Yes, I was. I used to dress “sexy” according to myself, but later I discovered I was dressing as an old slut. I used to be “a woman in search of sweet love and sex”, but later realized I was going to bed with anyone wanting to be with me from those sex dating sites I used to have a profile at. I took the wrong approach to discovering my inner female feelings. Seemed to me at that time if I wanted to explore my inner feelings as a woman I had to get in bed with men. Well, in part is true. But later discovered I was taking the physical and sexual approach…an external approach. And I did that while being a “child”.
Let me explain.
I’ve had these female feelings since I can remember, as I mentioned in the previous post “Woman”, but because of raising and society I always disregarded them as “inappropriate” and continued to live as a boy and later as a man. Only by my 50 birthday I had the “courage” to challenge what I was taught and accepted I was a woman inside. So I decided to experiment to see, to learn. And so from 50 to 55 I went into a frenzy of sex dating sites keeping profiles and going to bed with any man who happened to have an interest in me. But my approach was wrong. At that moment I didn’t realize maturity is not universal. Someone can be mature as a professional, but still be played like a toy in the love and sex areas, and vice versa. Just because I was in my 50’s and had learned many things in life it didn’t mean I would automatically be mature as a woman. Instead, I was like a 10 years old girl wanting to explore sex and love, while in the body of a 50+ man trying to look as a woman. I was The Old Slut!
A mature man dressing as a woman in what I felt to be sexy, but I was acting like a 10 years old girl dressing slutty while thinking to be sexy, and expecting to attract men to treat me with sweetness and love. No wonder why most of my sex encounters went bad! LOL. I didn’t have a dad or mom telling me “You don’t look sexy, you look like a slut, and so they will treat you like a slut. If you want to be respected, you have to start by respecting yourself”
In my own defense I can say, after living 50 years as a man, and even becoming a husband and a father, my knowledge of how to be a woman was zero, so only after accepting my female feelings I started to “grow” as a woman. Those first 5 years I was acting like a 10 years old girl just discovering the world and her own sexuality, so naturally I got it wrong. My own experiences as a man were useless in a women’s world.
In those 5 years I did all I could to change my body to a more female-like look. I guess my thoughts were that if men accepted me as a woman, then I would feel complete as a woman. Now I understand it is not that much of looking as a woman but mostly finding my inner balance where I can feel comfortable with myself, and being whatever I end up being, so the physical aspect becomes second in my priorities.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love sex and I dream of having sex with a man being a woman for him (as I will be telling you in future posts), but I already tried that aspect only to crash and burn every time I went to bed with a man, so while sex is still important to me, I acknowledge I have to grow up more as a woman first, before deciding what changes I want to do to my body.
But perhaps the only possible change left available to me at my age is the extraction of my penis and testicles and continue with monthly injections of Estrogen for the rest of my life; but even there I have to be careful. You see, as I mentioned in the previous post “Woman”, without any genitals at all, and retaining the “bush” I could somehow look like a woman and be legally a woman in a nudist environment, which is important to me since I am a nudist. The problem with that is all the side effects with the extraction of the penis and testicles and the use of Estrogen as a hormone replacement therapy. It is known among the side effects there are elements like loss of sexual desire, depression, mood changes (that in some cases have led the person to go into suicide), and reduction in the immune system…not a good perspective! And even some trans women who went all the way to change sex and have a vagina created in them have reported a sort of “regression” in their original feelings, leading them to feel in the wrong body…again! I don’t think something like that could happen to me, but again, none of them did believe that either, so if I make any physical change to my body I have to be completely sure before going under the knife, wouldn’t you agree?
That’s why I believe the first step for me now is just to grow as a woman in my inner feelings and see where does it lead me. Physical changes can come later as needed. Maybe I will do the penis and testicles extraction later on and become an “incomplete” but legal woman; maybe I will learn to live as a woman with male genitals but still legally as a man, or maybe I’ll continue to live as a man with secret female inner feelings, who knows.
But whatever changes happen in my mind I will tell you here. I want this site to be a place for trans women pre-op to be a place were they can compare their feelings with mine and hopefully learn something about themselves, and for those who don’t know who we trans women are have a place to learn about us and what is really in our minds, rather than consider us for what they can see in porn movies.
Since I am already 57 a full body transformation is out of my possibilities, so now it is more about learning all I can about being a trans woman and communicate that to people as a way to try and contribute a grain of sand in the process of acceptance in society, while learning about myself in the ultimate goal of finding my own inner balance and happiness…and the future will tell me what to do next!