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I’ve seen it on TV or magazines
sometimes. A man or a woman standing in a busy street holding a hand
written sign saying “Free Hugs”. Usually (they say)
it is about how in our society we forget, and even reject, something
so human and so necessary as a honest and caring hug, and so they are
trying to bring a reminder to people by offering free hugs to anyone
who might want it or badly need it.
How many times we have found ourselves
in a situation of needing a hug? I know I had…many times!
So decided to “pretend” to do
the same, but in this case for “digital” hugs. Now please
don’t get me wrong, I know a digital hug is like nothing…only the
real thing works. But by being a Transsexual Woman it is very
difficult to stand in a street offering free hugs without risking an
attack. So the safest way, especially in the way I would like to be
standing there offering hugs…completely naked since I am also a
Nudist, is to do it digitally.
That’s why I took these pictures and uploaded them here today. To offer a caring free hug from a nudist transsexual woman for all of you that might need it or want it.
But I wonder, if I could be safely
standing naked in a busy street offering free hugs, by being a
transsexual woman, how many men and/or women would decided to take
that hug? I know if I was a CIS woman (born female) many guys
would go for the hug, assuming I would be a young and attractive
woman. And at the other hand, how many men and/or women would decide
to take that hug if I was a young and attractive man?
I know a born female young and attractive woman would have many hugs from men of all ages, but I’m not so sure about the results for a born male man, even if he was young and attractive. So I assume for an old trans woman like me, who is not exactly the most attractive, probably nobody would dare to take that hug, LOL. Still, it would be an interesting social experiment, don’t you think?
As I mentioned before, I am “naturally
weird”. At least that’s what it looks like to NT’s
(Neuro-Typicals) or “normal” people. I have
Asperger’s Syndrome, so I am an Aspie (and very proud of it!).
For those who don’t know, Asperger’s Syndrome basically means our brain is wired in a different way, and we don’t have the Sociability Software in our brains. It also mean we tend to have a “spot light” type of mind, contrary to the more “flood light” type of mind in “normal” people. Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome is considered a “High Functioning” kind of Autistic person.
By having our brain wired in a
different way we perceive the surroundings in a different way. We
see things people cannot see and we don’t see what the majority can.
That’s why we are commonly accused of not having empathy. That is not
true. We do care about others, we just don’t do the typical things
they do to show that. As an example: Long time ago, when I had a
regular job, I never said “Hi” in the morning and never
said “bye” at night. People thought I didn’t care. For them
it is a common courtesy rule of interaction. For me it is an invasion
of privacy! If someone wants to share how he/she is doing he/she will
speak and I will listen and comment, but I will not push them to tell
with my questions.
One day a coworker stopped going to
work for several days. Nobody knew what happen to her and nobody
investigated if she was fine or hurt in an accident or something,
even though they always talked with her and showed being friends.
After asking coworkers about her and not finding anyone who knew, I
went to Human Resources and asked. They refused to give me her phone
know. A couple of days later the lady from human resources told me
the missing coworker just decided to move to another job, but she was
fine. I told the rest of the team and they said “oh, that’s good
to know” and went back to their activities. Empathy?
So we Aspies see and perceive people
and situation in a different way. Even our body language is different
(which is bad for job interviews since the interviewer usually
read us wrong), but these differences are not better or worst,
good or bad…just different. Aspies and “normals” are
different but none is better than the other, although not knowing the
differences many times creates conflicts between the two.
Another difference is that we don’t have the Sociability Software and we have a “spot light” type of mind, rather than a “flood light” type of mind as it is common in “normals”
By not having the Sociability
Software we are not bound by an instinctive force to socialize.
We can be fine alone. As an example: It that same job I mentioned
before there was another Aspie. A man in his 50 who never talked to
anyone, but was very kind if anyone started a conversation with him.
At some point the company needed two people to spend the whole shift
alone in a huge warehouse checking some merchandise. Everybody
complained because for them it was too boring to spend the whole day
practically alone and not having the chance to chat all day. This
other Aspie and me spend several weeks doing that, and we were very
happy! If we traded 2 words in the whole shift it was too much, but
that was fine, we were Aspies. We considered we were there to do a
job and not being paid to talk, so we just concentrated in working.
Not only we could spend a 12 hours shift without talking, but we
actually enjoyed that!
You see, the Socialization Software
means you cannot put two strangers closer than 5 feet without them
feeling the urge to say something. Just think of people at the
cashier in a grocery store or waiting for the bus. They have to say
something or they will feel uncomfortable. We Aspies can spend the
whole day side by side, even with a close friend, and not need to say
a single word; but we can still perceive the company and enjoy it.
The Socialization Software is an
instinct that has worked in bringing the first people together, thus
allowing the creation of a society and a civilization, so it is a
good thing. We Aspies just don’t have it, but that doesn’t mean we
don’t have empathy or care for others.
The Socialization Software is
what pushes you to “start” a connection, but it is your
mind and heart what can continue that. If you don’t have your mind
and heart in continue to grow the just made connection into a
relationship then everything dissolves, like your chat at the bus
stop or with the cashier at the grocery store. Unless of course the
cashier is a cute girl, in which case you will try to get her phone
number, but if the cashier is an old and ugly lady…LOL
Now, “normal” people have a
“flood light” type of mind. This means they have
many things in mind and can interact with many things and people at
once, like in a party (or a job), but they don’t go very deep
in each interaction (like the example of the missing coworker in
the previous post). How many people have you befriended in social
sites, to overtime things simply dissolve completely? You have been
busy with other things. You see? Many things, nothing too deep.
Nothing wrong with that. It’s just the way things are for most
people…the “normal” ones.
We Aspies at the other hand have a
“spot light” type of mind, meaning we don’t interact
with many things and people at the same time (that’s why we are so
bad at parties) but we can concentrate and go deeper in an
activity or subject. We Aspies have been known to bore to death
others with a specific subject in a conversation, LOL
But also we take each activity and/or
person more in dept. That’s why just feeling a woman inside wasn’t
enough for me; I had to restart this site and explore more in dept
the feelings, the minds, and everything related to being a
transgender. And also that’s why, even though my marriage has gone
awry, I can’t just walk away, but I’ll explain you more in detail
about my marriage in another post.
So you see the differences between
Aspies and “normals”. Nothing special; nothing better or
worst, just different. And so now you can see why sometimes my
writing might seem weird, LOL
I live as a man but I am a woman
within. Or at least that’s how we Transsexual Women consider
ourselves and by those with a more open mind.
Our genitals would be what…about 5
percent of the whole body? Yet we are classified by laws and general
society mentality by our genitals and not by our inner feelings and
thoughts, which is our personality…who we are.
From that point of view, and since
society classify us by our genitals, shouldn’t I be more like a woman
carrying a man within? 95 percent of the surface body is a woman and
only 5 percent is a man.
So I decided to make some fun out of
the problem and took this picture to try to reflect I am a woman
carrying a man within and not the other way around, as society points
I must clarify; I am a woman, and the
man I carry…he is just a dick! LOL (He doesn’t even get hard!)
I know, there is a lot that could be
debated here, but as I said, this post and picture are just for fun!
Hey! We all need to laugh at our
problems from time to time, don’t we?
When I was 45 I started exploring these
hidden inner desires. Throughout those years I discovered Nudism and
fell in love with it! I dated several men as a possible Bi man, Gay
man, and finally as a Transsexual Woman. I had from one night stand
dates, to a one relationship with love involved that lasted two
years. I experimented with female clothes, make up and worked up my
voice to a more feminine one. Had so many scare and funny moments.
There were times when I was so hopeful about the future, to other
times when I was seriously considering suicide. No escape from
In those 12 years I also started a change in my body from a hairy man to a smooth woman, as you can see in the pictures below. The left side is from November 2005 and the right side is from February 2014 (8 years, 3 months). You can see how my breasts grew and my penis shrunk.
It’s been such a rough ride! Mostly
because it all has been in secret! You see, I am a married and
family man for the society part, and in complete secret I’ve
collected female clothes, some basic jewelry, make up, and even sex
toys! I’ve taken more than 100GB of videos and pictures. Had
profiles in dating sites (I think a total of around 12!) and
had my own Transsexual website for 4 years.
I even had a big scare when, after a
couple of sex encounters, my body started to show strange signs that
made me think I had acquired an STD from one of those unknown men I
met for sex. Fortunately a series of tests showed negative in all of
them, so I could breathe easier, but it was a couple of months of
added stress for all the problems that could have been if I was
positive! And in all that period I had to go through in
silence…all in complete secrecy! Hiding everything in plain view,
as it is by publishing on the internet!
No wonder why I acquired Fibromyalgia
Now, in the exterior and family life I
am a 57 years old man trying to recover from the syndrome and get
back on my feet again physically and financially, while in my secret
life I am a 57 years old Trans Woman who sees her dreams of becoming
a real woman slip away due to age and obligations acquired more than
30 years ago.
But throughout the years I’ve learned
that one should never give up. I keep fighting Fibromyalgia…and
slowly but definitely I’m winning! And even though I might never
have the opportunity of Sex Change Surgery, I believe I can still be
an old but with a fairly decent look Transsexual Woman Pre-Op. And
definitely there will be a time when I’ll be able to enjoy Nudism
Life can be very rough sometimes, but definitely it is worth living it all the way, don’t you think?