A couple of days ago my son and I spent the whole day together, and since he is on vacation this week, we went together to buy firewood to have for winter time. He is in his 30’s, an adult and a professional. We chatted about history, politics, sci fi, and many more things; we loaded and unloaded my vehicle with firewood (about half a cord), and later we watched some sci fi TV programs. It was a wonderful time for me spending time together as father and son. When I compared that with my experiences with men when I was being a woman in the outside to have sex with them I think it just doesn’t make any sense to transition.
You see, with my son, while in the outside we were father and son, inside I was a woman the whole time, enjoying the time spent with my “baby” (he is even taller than me, but in my heart he will always be my baby, LOL). Funny how those men I had sex with as a woman, indirectly taught me that pursuing the pleasures of the body with sex cannot compete with the pleasures of the spirit by spending time with my son as a woman inside, while having the external shell of a man.
What happens is, yes I would love to transition and become a woman in the outside, but if by doing that I will risk loosing the relationship we have with my son, it’s just not worth the risk of loosing him.
When I analyze my own behavior as a father with my son while he was growing up I can see I was always having the ways of a woman more than of a man, even if in the outside I was a man. He knows me to be in a certain way and, without knowing at the time, we became very close with me being a woman inside. So this means I’ve been living and enjoying being a woman all the time, and being that way my son and I established a wonderful relationship.
Now, I am not saying you have to be a father with the inner feelings of a woman to establish a wonderful relationship with your kids. Certainly a wonderful relationship is born out of mutual love, independently of what side people feel inside. What I’m saying is that, in the case with my son, it worked perfectly well, even if all these time I was a woman inside while being a father in the outside.
Obviously, having sex with a man while being a woman, and the relationship with a son are two completely different things and cannot be compared, but analyzing that sex is about the pleasures of the body, while the relationship with a son is about the pleasures of the spirit, it is easy to conclude what should have preference in our most important decisions. I believe the spirit should have preference over the body. And I am NOT a religious person.
Many people say and believe we are eternal spirits in a temporary physical body. From that point of view wouldn’t be more important to give preference to the spirit than to the physical body? Then we should direct our efforts to what is better for the spirit, and not to what is better for the body. So from that point of view, destroying a friendship relationship with a wife, and a father and son relationship with a son, so to be able to transition in order to have the possibility to have sex with men as a woman would be a really bad decision!
If we are how we feel inside and not the body we have, then giving preference to the spirit (or inner feelings) should be the right thing to do, wouldn’t you agree? Yes, I would love to transition and have a more female-like body, and date men and have sex with them, but after some years thinking about this whole transsexual thing I can only conclude, although it would be nice to transition, it is not the most important part of being a human being. It is not my external appearance what dictates who I am, but rather how I feel inside and how I perceive and act in the world. And to have female feelings doesn’t necessarily mean having female ways of talking, walking and gesturing; it is more about the way we perceive the world around and how we react to it.
So, considering all these elements I have to conclude that, although important for my inner peace, transition to a female-like form in order to align my inner feelings with my external appearance, all at the expense of loosing a family is just not the right thing to do.
If I had realized that I was a woman before forming a family, then there would have been no questioning about transitioning or not, and all the efforts would have been dedicated to obtain that physical transition to align my inner feelings with my external look, so I could have the opportunity to establish a relationship with a man rather than with a woman. But since I realized my true inner feelings after forming a family, their own feelings take precedence. After all, they have no part in what my inner feelings are, so if I didn’t realize at a younger age they shouldn’t pay with their happiness for my own mistake. At least that is my thinking about this situation.
So as I mentioned before in a previous post, unless something really extraordinary happens, transition shouldn’t be a part of my plans, and it should remain just a possibility. So I will not transition and, by the opposite, I will continue my life as a man in the outside, while nurturing my female feelings inside. And this doesn’t mean I’ll live a miserable life. I will just discard the possibility of sex with men as a woman in the physical aspect, but I will continue living as a woman inside and in digital form through my site just as I have been doing it my entire life, while enjoying the pleasures of the spirit as a human being with the interactions with my son and my wife as friends. Life is still wonderful!
Maybe in the future I still will consider a double life where, while living as a family man, still have a secret side being a transsexual woman in hiding, and dressing as a woman just for the pleasure of seeing in a mirror an image of a half way woman attempting to reflect her inner feelings in a physical form, just like I was doing for five years until two years ago. Who knows. Or maybe I will even do penis and testicles extraction and have HRT for life to further even more that attempt in that secret double life. I don’t know right now. But whatever happens, if I can still enjoy the friendship and relationship we have now with my son, then everything will be fine.