Archive | November 2, 2019


I am a woman.

When I was a child I wasn’t much attracted to play with dolls but rather with toy cars, so I grew up to enjoy fixing and transforming vehicles; a Tomboy girl if you like. But while in school I did have a couple of crushes in some of the boys there. I remember finding them so handsome and dreaming about kissing their lips. I spent so much time hoping they would approach me and invite me out for a walk, which never happened.

In my young years I so much admired the character of Alex, performed by Jennifer Beals in “Flashdance”, a sort of teenage movie from the 80’s. I found it so sexy to be a dancer and a welder; living in a warehouse and pursuing a dream. Deep inside I so much wanted to be like her, in my life and in my look. But I also dreamed of having the look of the girls in the band “Bangles”, and also dreamed of sexily dancing completely naked the song “Wishing” from “A Flock of Seagulls”. I had a crush on Gary Numan and Kris Kristofferson (I know, they looked completely different, LOL).

When my baby was born it was the happiest moment of my life! I just couldn’t hug him enough. We played and I taught him many things. I even renounced to my career as an aircraft mechanic to stay at home and raise him instead. Spent years delivering papers at night since that job gave me an almost full income (at that time) while taking me just two hours every night, but left me the whole day to spend with my baby. I could complement the income working on customer cars during the day at home, but I could stop at any time to take my baby to and from school, help him with homework and just spend time together playing and laughing.

I am extremely sensitive and easily cry with a love song or a love story. When seeing birds flying in the sky and rabbits running in my backyard I feel so happy I could dance while holding a big smile; and I can be so easily hurt with a single word or a single look. Hugging is such an important thing for me, and always needed physical contact. That feeling of being hugged and protected from the world. Letting myself fall asleep in my man’s chest.

When it comes to sex I love to surrender my body to my man and let him take me. But also love to be sweetly touched and kissed in all my body. I just love the feeling when I am on my back in bed, with my legs open, and he is over me, strongly holding me while having me. I can’t move with him over me holding me tight, but that adds to the feeling of being desired and taken. And also I love when he is seating in a couch and I am naked, kneeling between his legs, sweetly caressing his manhood until he cum in my mouth, to then swallow his load with a smile, so he can feel I love him and care about him.

Yes, I am a woman.

Unfortunately when I was born I had a penis instead of a vagina, so the doctors classified me as a male, and that changed everything!

My parents thought they were bringing a boy home…a boy that never was what they expected of a son. A cry baby in school; a sissy boy for other mechanics at those car repair shops where I worked as a teenager; a not-enough-man for a dissatisfied wife; to finally discover by the age of 50 being a transsexual woman rather than a man.

It was “complicated” to be different throughout those first 50 years of my life, but when I discovered the reason why, all Hell broke loose! The need to know; the need to experiment to confirm; the need to experience “the other side” that seemed to be the right side for me.

Secretly buying women’s clothes, wigs, make up. Shaving my entire body in the winter months only, when we all use more clothes, so family wouldn’t notice. Trying to transform my body to a more female-like. Training my voice, my movements, my gestures, all to be more like the woman I feel I am.

Going away to dress up where nobody could see me, so to feel for a moment that “other side”. Secret dating profiles in sex dating sites to try and meet men for sex, to be a woman for them. Visiting therapists and psychologists to help me figure out myself. Attending meetings with transsexual people at those help centers to tell our stories, where I heard funny and horror stories side by side.

Even having a boyfriend for a couple of years in a relationship that had more downs than ups. Being lied to so many times about my look as a woman, to later hear and see other people around laughing at that faggot dressing as a woman when going out for a drink to a transsexual bar. Living scared of being found and attacked by those who feel God made a mistake when creating us, and they having the right to correct God’s mistakes by beating to death a freak like me.

Living as a “part time” woman all in secret for several years. And even keeping everything a secret when I developed a problem in my body that made me think of having acquired an STD, or even worst, Aids, which fortunately wasn’t the case but simply a big rush that after a couple of months disappear completely. At least all the tests showed negative. But going through those months, all in secret, thinking on what if, and how I would tell my family!

So I ended up smoking two packs a day, went into alcohol and drugs, and contemplated suicide so many times I lost count. I gained 60 pounds of weight and even acquired Fibromyalgia Syndrome due to the excessive stress this whole situation created by itself and by being all in secrecy. I became a mess!

Yes, it’s been riding in Hell!

So where is that woman now? I know I am still here inside this male body, only now my societal classification changed from man to transsexual, or even to faggot. And since I am too late for sex change surgery, my only option now is maybe to become a Nullo at best. A desperate attempt to reflect in the outside, even if it is only in part, what I feel inside. But I know no matter what I do or say I will never be seen for who I am…a woman.

Now I am a fetish for men who what to be fucked by a tranny…a woman with a cock. I am not a human being anymore, but rather a sex toy for those who want to experience the thrill of being the dominated one for a moment, to later go back to their lives as a man, a top. That secret moment of excitement with a sex reversal roles left behind as just a moment in time in the life of a public man, while I remain behind in the dark as the sex toy with no inner feelings to consider. Kept in secret from family and friends.

I know there are trans women out there who love to top, but it is not my case, yet I’ve always been thrown in the same bag. Just like no two men are the same, also no two trans women are the same. But it seems like the general thinking is, if she has a cock, she must love to fuck. Well, not me!

Now, if I show you only my back, like in the first two pictures, maybe I can “trick” you into seeing the real me…a woman. But if I turn around and show you my front, like in the third picture, then for most people my female feelings simply disappear and I become that desirable sex toy for that secret moment in the life of a very discreet man.

When the doctor told me I had Fibromyalgia Syndrome he also told me in 5 years I will be in a wheelchair. That was back in March, 2014. I investigated and learned about 50 percent of people acquiring the syndrome end up in complete disability and only 1 percent recover from it. Needless to say I was ‘overwhelmed” with the news. I cried like for one hour at the parking lot after the doctor’s appointment. I was ready to divorce and do my life as a woman, even at the risk of loosing my son’s love. But instead I couldn’t work anymore, so jumped from having savings to having debts. I couldn’t divorce and do my life! Since I couldn’t work anymore I needed my family to take care of me.

It was five years of fighting the syndrome, and finally in March, 2019 I could leave the medicine behind. I am not recovered. I am still at about 50 percent of what I used to be, but I am not in a wheelchair!

Those five years were the time I got into drugs and alcohol, gained weight due to the medicine (side effect), and contemplate suicide so many times. But now I’m back working at about 50 percent in car restoration on my own; I’m loosing weight (about 20 pounds so far) and left behind alcohol and drugs, and cigarettes to about one pack a day instead of two. I will recover!

I am not that strong, but simply I just want to see my baby grow and be there for him in case he needs someone in those tough moments life throw at all of us.

I am a woman but I know I will never be seen as one, no matter what. But I guess at this point it doesn’t matter anymore. While in the outside for society I am a man and a father, I know inside I am a woman and a mother.

My attempts to express myself in physical life as the woman I am have resulted in becoming just a sex toy for some, while being criticized and laughed at by others, so these days I live as a woman only digitally in this, my site.

Maybe I will never have the opportunity to experience life within society as the woman I am inside, but I do live inside as the woman I am, and that is something no person or society can take away from me.

I am still a woman!