Tag Archive | Rules

Moment in Time

454   2016-06-09      31  06 Fiction Stories                             Moment in Time (1)

 

She wanted to be alive, to enjoy what is to be in life. She pushed to the limits for the processes to be created in order for her to take over the body, and continue life to the end. She knew she was asking too much!

Just three years before things were sort of fine for him. Although there was the doubt of his own identity, he still managed to have a life and people to live for. He had his job (which he hated, so thing were “normal”), had his place and his cars, together with the typical thousand projects that were part of his life. Things were going fine; not perfect, but fine.

The discovery of a woman inside his head came to explain so many doubts and confusions about his entire life, from his childhood to the present, but also brought the anxiety of not knowing what to do then. He was used to be a man and just have those strange Gay desires of being with another man sexually, but that was just a different “activity” of what he supposed to do as a man; just a slight deviation in with what sex is the person he would have sex with, and nothing else.

But a woman inside his head? What he supposed to do? Let her use the body so she can experience physical life, even though it would be in a male body? Maybe for just a short amount of time. What can go wrong if she takes the controls of the body and fly through life pretending it was him. Like borrowing the controls of an airplane from the pilot, just for a couple of minutes and when the airplane was going quietly at high altitude and in a stable curse. Take the controls for a moment and feel being the pilot, just long enough to know what it is, and then return the controls to the pilot; the rightful owner of flying the airplane. And all of this without communicating their doings to flight control. Nobody will ever know! Everybody would think it was him all the times.

But she took the controls and tried different maneuvers that she wasn’t prepared to do, and the pilot didn’t think she would do that, so the airplane started to spiral down, slowly at first, and then faster and faster. The pilot took the controls to recover the airplane from the fall, but she was still holding the other set of controls and fighting also to recover the airplane. It wasn’t clear for them both if their doings together was helping or getting things worst, but they did know they were going down anyway.

She didn’t know if she should release completely the airplane controls and let the pilot fight alone to fix her doing, or if she should fight the controls with him, trying to do her part in the process. In doubt, she persisted and remained.

 

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Seating at the patio table; staring at the computer trying to come up with something to write; his mind foggy and tired; the sickness; one of many. And what to do about the future. Should she keep the body and he retreat to inner corners of the brain, so she could live life for the rest of the time the body had? Should he recover the body and send her back to the inner corners of the brain, so he could take back his life, or whatever was left of it, to live there until he died? Should they share the body for the rest of the time? What to do? He couldn’t concentrate; he was tired, like he has been for the past three months now, as the deepest part reached so far in the spiraling down that started three years ago, when he discovered her existence. What to do?

Thinking; planning; calculating; analyzing, as he always did in the face of a problem encountered in the past. She was quietly seating in the back of the brain, knowing that somehow she was responsible for his downfall, after he allowed her to use his body. She didn’t feel good. For a while now she wasn’t the happy and impulsive little girl she used to be when first experiencing life. She knew she had messed up things, and she supposed to retreat to the brain now to let him take full control and forget about all the things and problems she incorporated in his already full schedule. But she wanted to live! Her only card left was his desire to give her his body completely, so she could have life while he would retire to the brain, tired of trying and failing. She knew she still had a slight chance.

With a page full of lines describing feelings, possibilities and facts, he was trying to understand what he supposed to do as the right thing, rather than the most obvious. When logic would say he should push her inside the brain and never let her come out again, so he could fix the problems and recover from the spiraling down, he had doubts about how long term that solution would be, before she would be trying to come out again, and even more, he would be bringing her to life himself. So many elements that he knew will not work if she was hidden in the brain, and so many elements that he knew also will not work if she took the body full time. What to do? What to think? And the mind remained foggy.

—————-

Although short jeans would be more appropriate and more comfortable to be working under the hood, she loved her mini skirt, and she knew guys would be paying close attention to her every time she leaned over the engine. She knew she was creating problems, as she always did, but she loved it! Her light blue jeans mini skirt; a brighter blue T shirt she fixed with a pair of scissors to make it shorter; her trusty short and old black leather boots, and a curious blue cap she found in a second hand store some time ago. She was dressing to kill, even if the event was a collector car show. She knew she didn’t have the best body, but her skin was fine and tanned, so with the added baby oil to make it shine, and together with her well practiced soft and sexy movements in her whole body and face, she knew she could shine as a sexy and desirable woman; one that would attract many possible buyers to her car, who were coming to see it as an excuse to take a better look at that babe.

Maybe she could sell the car and make some money, and maybe she could hook up someone for dating and sex, as she always did in those events. It was all fun! Including the faces of wives around, who were standing at a distance watching their husbands “go check that car real quick”, and giving her hate looks while in their minds they were going through all the bad words in the dictionary, from the first to the last page. She was having fun! There was a very special pleasure for her in to be more attractive to men than genetic women, which made her feel better about herself, especially when considering that she was a Transsexual woman. Life was great!

 

454   2016-06-09      31  06 Fiction Stories                             Moment in Time (3)

 

He knew there was a chance for her to reach her dreams of how to be, but odds were more in favor of having a complete failure, and just reaching a half way point that would not satisfy her, and yet would also be too far to come back and be a man again. She wanted to try, he knew, but he had to make sure she would succeed, or they both would be in deep trouble with a half changed body that would be of no use for any of them!

————–

Funny as it can be, he always felt the sad loneliness when walking desert lands, as it was that portion of the Texas South West area. His memories of those left behind to have time for him, as he never took before. That special tingling feeling in his stomach that was a permanent part of his trips alone, letting him know he would never be able to completely be one again. He became part of others in his past fifty years of life, so the second fifty would be of loneliness if he decided to retain his freedom. He was like a spoiled bird who lived too long in captivity, so the opportunity of freedom was not something it could take anymore, even if it dreamed of that every night.

But then, she could be alone in the desert and not feel loneliness. She never had a family of her own. For the first fifty years she was hiding in a corner inside the brain, so she didn’t learn of family or friends connections, by the opposite, she learned how to be alone and happy. So he knew it should be her having the body rather than him, but the fear of failure, together with the urgent and very real need of recovering from the spiraling down, he had no choice but to decide to take back the body. In many aspects life was easier as a man compared with as a woman, yet there was still that feeling of emptiness, and the doubts of having taken the wrong decision.

The time to decide had come. There would be no assurance of making the right decision. It was more like betting on one of three chances, and then hoping things will work out in the future. A lottery! Not something he was used to or liked it.

Angel

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Nudist Rejection

444   2016-05-02     72  04 Trips and Adventures                  Nudist Rejection (1)

 

I am a nudist. I consider myself so because I really enjoy the feeling of freedom when not wearing anything on me. Walking, doing things around the house, working in my shop, building something, hiking in nature, kayaking a quiet lake, all those things I do feel better when I am nude.

It is not about sex. When doing things nude I don’t feel any sexual desire and I don’t get aroused. I don’t even think about sex. I just feel very comfortable and with free movement in my body, with no restrictions from fabrics. I feel free, and I love it!!

So far I haven’t had the opportunity to spend time with other nudists, so still haven’t been in the situation to see how I would feel, and if it’ll be any sexual thoughts when there (including arousing!).

For this reason I tried to go to a nudist resort here in CO, and to avoid any problems, I first sent a letter asking if they accept Transsexuals. And the reason to ask is because I look like half woman in the top portion of my body, and half man in the bottom portion. In other words, I am a woman with small breasts and a penis. Not that my penis could be of offense to anyone considering its size (tiny), but my testicles are kind of big for my size, so they are very notorious.

 

444   2016-05-02     72  04 Trips and Adventures                  Nudist Rejection (2)

 

I know it might look strange to some people, especially to those with children that may worry about what their children could learn, or the concepts they might develop when exposed to the view of a Transsexual woman. So I consider appropriate and kind from my part to ask first, and not just go and try to force my right to be there.

They never answered!

The only reason I can see for that is to avoid saying no since they don’t want to say yes. In other words, I was rejected! Nudist resorts don’t want Transsexuals in their premises!

Now, I can somehow understand when a resort, a facility, a business, deny the access to a Transsexual under any reasons because they want to protect their business. They are not nudists, they are business people making money out of nudists, so they really don’t care about who I am, they just want to make sure they will not loose customers because customers start to leave when they see a Transsexual.

So I searched and found a nudist group here in the Denver area and sent a letter to them asking the same question. This group doesn’t have grounds, but they meet in their houses or places they know they can be nude.

They took a long time to answer. Actually they didn’t answer, but rather I received an automatically sent letter of acceptance. Only after about a week I received a letter from the organizer of the group giving me the welcome aboard and the list of already planned activities for the coming summer.

I checked the list and got interested in the second meet, which was a simple reunion in a kind of spa place that seems to be owned by the organizer. Sort of perfect for my first time!

But I didn’t go!

 

444   2016-05-02     72  04 Trips and Adventures                  Nudist Rejection (3)

 

Yeah, you’re right, I chickened!

The first thing that pushed me to not register for that meet was my voice. I still have a male voice, and even though for many transsexuals that is of no importance, and they go around dressed as a woman but having a male voice, for me it is very important to look like a woman in every aspect, which includes the voice. To me, if we want to be women we suppose to walk the extra mile and turn our bodies and our minds into women. We need to acquire the voice and the manners of a woman, together with the look when dressed or nude. Dressed I could pass as a woman if seen from a distance; nude I don’t pass as a woman because of my easily seen genitals; and with my voice I definitely don’t pass as a woman because of the sound of my voice, which is not deep, but it does sound male anyway.

So I chickened, that’s the truth. I saw my pictures and myself in the mirror and thought, I’m just going to make a fool of myself in front of everybody! They might accept me for who I am, but also they might reject me because of thinking I’m just a guy pretending to be a woman, and say nothing just to be polite. So I didn’t go.

But that got me thinking. I was rejected by a company making business while (supposedly) representing the spirit of nudists, and I rejected myself in the possibility of getting among other nudists that were not associated or under any company. So, even though I don’t know if nudists would reject me or not (since they most probably will not say), I used the company mentality to measure myself and make a decision. That would mean it is the company mentality the origin of rejection. While in a one on one it depends on every person, the company mentality is the applied norm that can be used to create acceptance or rejection depending on a generalized standard of reference, which can or cannot be logic, but still is the rule to follow.

That means I measure myself by the generalized standards of reference, and while it makes my road harder than normal in order to comply, and by which I can see more rejection of what may actually exist, at least I know, once reaching the point of compliance with such standards, I will truly look and “feel” to others around as a woman.

Angel

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TS Woman

416   2016-02-29   113  01 Psychology and Mind                TS Woman (1)

 

A Transsexual Woman, a TS, a Tgirl, a Gurl, a Shemale, a Tranny…anyway you call me because I am a woman in a man’s body. I have to say:

Yes, I am a woman with the feelings of a woman while in a man’s body. A mix of a man and a woman in my brain, with all the confusion sometimes it creates. With a body that doesn’t reflect a woman. With the imperfections I’m working on and the ones I could never correct. I am a woman inside and a man outside.

This is a Transsexual woman.

I am not a freak. I am not a weirdo. I am not a confused man. I am not a disease or a man-slut. I am not Gay, Crossdresser or a Drag Queen. I am a woman in a man’s body. I am a Transsexual Woman.

Is that so difficult to accept? Can I go out dressing as a woman even if I don’t look like one? Is that so hard to understand and accept? People going to church every Sunday; people talking about their openness to new concepts and ideas; people who claim to be modern and advance, can you accept a woman as she is, even if her body is a male one? No!!

They believe they are open minded, yet they reject those who don’t conform to what they were taught in their childhood. Men are men and women are women…anyone who claim to be the opposite of their genitals is wrong and a sick person!! Anyone who doesn’t condition her entire life, her thoughts, her desires, her feelings and dreams to the kind of genitals she has is wrong, crazy or a slut!! Genitals indicates who and what a whole person should be!!

But then…it is not just what the others think and if they accept me or not. It is how does it feel inside me. Is it worth all of these? My body feels like crap; I am deteriorating rapidly; pain; lack of energy; I don’t even feel like crying anymore! My body seats still looking to the nothingness while breathing through a bumpy road, even if I am not moving, while seating in a chair alone in an empty room. A physical body that once was male, and now is just the remnants of neither.

I am so tired!!

I don’t feel like living life anymore!!

Maybe reincarnation does exist, and maybe in a future life my genitals will be the same side of my mind. I hope.

But I am so tired right now of all this struggle, that I just want to sleep…forever!!

Some days…many days, are so difficult to be a Transsexual Woman!

Kisses

Angel

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One Line

413   2016-02-22   112  01 Psychology and Mind               One Line (1)

 

Checking my profiles in Outpersonals and TSMeet, and doing some changes to update my info, I read the very first line in the Introduction in Outpersonals, and I got thinking.

The line says: “A shy nudist; a dreamer; a caged soul; an explorer

Yes, how true!!

I am a Shy Nudist; I love to be naked and I miss being naked. I love nudity in the outdoors, walking without any clothes between trees in a forest or by a quiet lake at the mountains. but because I am a woman in a man’s body, I don’t dare to go public with my nudity (where would it be allowed?), so I cannot proudly let my naked body be seen by people by the fear of being rejected, made fun of, and even possible violence.

I am a Dreamer; I dream of being a woman; I dream of traveling; writing; being divorced; being free!! I dream all the time. I daydream. I imagine how things would be if, and I dream of what can I do to reach those dreams.

I am a Caged Soul because I am a soul without a body, so the body I am in is not mine and I cannot do whatever I want. I am caged by not having my own body and having to live in someone else body, restricted of free movement.

I am an Explorer; I am pushing the envelope in the body transformation to look more like a woman in the outside, even though I shouldn’t because it is not my body. An Explorer because I’ve tried many things my brother (the owner of the body) would have never tried. And I am going into an unknown world of Transgender life, like someone attracted to get inside a jungle of beauty, excitement and dangers.

Yes, I am a Shy Nudist; a Dreamer; a Caged Soul; an Explorer. And why it is so important to remember now what I wrote so long ago? So not to forget my own identity, even if it is a blurry image of a physical being that doesn’t exist.

I am a ghost trying to remember it’s blurry, nonexistent shape!!

So I added the line at the top of my Introduction in TSMeet also, to have the same introductory line in both profiles. Not that it will make any difference really since most people in those sites never read profiles, but it is nice to have it there. A one line that somehow says it all.

Kisses

Angel

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Woman as a Man

410   2016-02-11  111  01 Psychology and Mind                  Woman as a Man (1)

 

When I have the chance to use the body and be a woman in physical life, I have this feeling of wanting to be attractive and sexually desirable to men, so the need to dress in a sexy and provocative way.

I believe the reason for that is, by having to use a male body (my brother’s body), inside my mind I know I am at disadvantage compared with “real” women, and so get the urge of sort of “prove” that I am not just a woman, but a desirable one.

By feeling I am a desirable woman to men, and by seeing around men get interested and aroused by my image as a woman, I can feel sort of a “certified” woman, which kind of “override” the type of genitals I have under my clothes.

I know it is crazy, but so far that is the best explanation I can think of.

At the other hand, being a woman just because of being one doesn’t fit with my desires. I really don’t see the point of being just a regular woman with no attractiveness to men. You see, after my brother having done a life as a man, and with it accumulating a huge amount of man’s memories and knowledge, and by me not having much of my own, I mostly use my brother’s memories and knowledge. So when it comes to work, planning, and doing things in general, I have a strong tendency to act as a man in a completely natural way, so it is in the sexuality area where my own female feelings prevail.

 

410   2016-02-11  111  01 Psychology and Mind                  Woman as a Man (2)

 

With this, most of the things I do in physical life I can be perfectly happy acting as a man with female feelings inside. This means I can dress as a man; act, walk and talk as a man, and all that is perfectly fine with me; so being just a regular woman that is not much attractive to men makes no difference with my actual brother’s life, and so there is no point on being a woman in the outside for those kind of things.

Yet, when it comes to sexuality, acting as a man and having sex with a woman is not satisfying for me. I have to be treated as a woman in bed, and be with a man to have sex with.

So I can live as a man in the outside most of the time while having my female feelings in the inside, and just be a woman in the outside when sharing time with a man as lovers, being it doing things together, or having sex in bed.

This can be a big advantage for me from the point that I can enjoy physical life as a secret, while pretending to be my brother in the outside, so with no need to dress as a woman most of the times. But at the other hand it can be a problem since, to be a man or a woman, we need to live most of the times as either one in order to become “proficient” in being any of them.

 

410   2016-02-11  111  01 Psychology and Mind                  Woman as a Man (3)

 

In other words, If I don’t live 24/7 as a woman in the outside, it will be very difficult to reach the point of acting as a woman in the outside with complete confidence and proficiency. I will always be “half way!

Then, I can’t just decide: “So I’ll be a woman 24/7”  My brother has a life, and he cannot just dissolve it and simply disappear, so I can take the body full time. I have to let my brother live his life; after all, I came second, and he is the owner of the body, so it is him who has the preference in using the body most of the times.

It is a really complex situation where a unique balance has to be found. No recipe from someone else can be used as they did with complete success. What works for one, not necessarily will work for another, so my brother and I have to keep thinking and analyzing our personal situation, and find a solution that will satisfy the needs of each one of us.

Life is crazy, isn’t it?

Angel

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