Tag Archive | Male

Four Years

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Four years it’s been, when I dared to walk in a parking lot for the very first time wearing some female clothes; to then try nudity as a woman, scared to death that I could be caught! How do you explain:

“But I am a woman! No, no…that penis down there is not mine…it is my brother’s!”

That was the time before this body acquired Fibromyalgia Syndrome, so it has all its energy, and with that, I had all the hopes of changing things; of being able one day to live in physical life permanently. It was a matter of just planning things and then executing the plan; what could go wrong?

The picture at the top of this post is from that very first time as a woman, wearing cheesy pink like an eight years old girl (I didn’t have a clue about clothes by then).

The picture below is from the same day, just minutes after the first picture, at the moment I started to feel more daring! LOL

 

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It wasn’t the first time I was naked in the outdoors. First it was my brother when he discovered the pleasures of Nudism back in 2005, and then it was me using the body, but still with no wig, make up, or anything woman. In the outside you would have seen a naked man. By the time of these pictures you would have seen a mix of both male and female and none in particular. Shocking I guess?

These were the first pictures, and many more came after that. Nudity in the outdoors…I guess no day goes by without me thinking about it!

It’s been four years since these pictures and lots of things have changed, and yet nothing has changed in the end. I’m still dreaming of becoming a full time woman just like four years ago, but only new problems have added to the original ones, yet the firsts still remain. Everything has became more complicated; physically, financially, even emotionally between my brother and his wife. From the time when just more money was needed to achieve freedom, until now when the syndrome has moved my brother’s wife to start being the friend he never had before, and which was the main complain and reason to divorce. An older and sicker man that implies a deteriorated body for a woman, only now that man has a bigger emotional debt to his life, limiting the possibilities for me, that woman, to accomplish my dreams. I keep planning, yet everyday that passes I have less and less tools to make things happen.

These pictures remind me of a time only four years ago when I dreamed of a future, and yet after those four years it seems only dreams are left behind. How many things happened in this time? I had lovers, I had problems and big scares, I had adventures and saw places and experience many things, yet all seems like a dream I had last night; all gone. If it wasn’t for so many pictures left behind and even my babies I could doubt it all really happened. Only dizziness and tiredness is what I was left with by now.

So I look at the pictures and realize it wasn’t just a dream! I did live all of that. A couple of lovers, several dates, visiting restaurants and bars dressing as a woman, walking the streets at dawn feeling free as a woman, even if I could hear some laughter in the distance because of my non-passable look. Participated in a couple of dating sites, nudist sites, and posted hundred of pictures and a even a couple of videos; all as if I was building my life as a woman in physical life. Yet nothing seems to remain by now. I haven’t visited bars dressing as a woman for more than a year now, and even those dating sites profiles have been abandoned for the same amount of time; no activities as a woman for more than a year now.

Because of acquiring the syndrome lack of mobility came to my brother, and with it the inability to work, leading to poverty to his pockets, which together always lead to a stop in dreams. No mobility, no work, and so no money to buy time for brief moments of freedom, only pictures remain of a time when my brother and I could dream of building a different reality, to wake up and realize we both are stuck in the land of nowhere. Like standing in the desert tired and thirsty, looking all around to see nothing but sand and a harsh, burning sun; no way out.

Today my brother had to call a company that specializes in selling collector and unique cars, to bring them his beloved car he had wanted to restore and use for so many years. He had the car since 1985 and have driven it several times. He even did a very through repair about 15 years ago, leaving the car beautiful and driveable. Now he will have to sell it to get some money to compensate for his consuming debts acquired as a result of not being able to work for a couple of years now. How frustrating!

I guess today we both are down because of having to sell the car. The foreclosure of a dream, as the song says. And more than just the fact that he has to sell the car, it is the physical situation that shows and makes feel the implosion of what once was a dream of changing life and destiny, to become just a dream while reality has become about loosing and deteriorating. Having to sell his car is sort of proof that things are going in a wrong and destructive direction!

Only pictures of another time are left. Memories of dreams. The old Victorian house falling apart; once dreamed of living in, now avoided like the plague. They were just dreams!

 

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Angel

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Body Changes

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After a brief interruption with post number 500, now I can resume in telling you about the possibilities I see to have a part time life as a woman, while my brother can retain part of his man’s life for the rest of the time.

So; for what I understand, if testicles are removed, since there is no more Testosterone production, Testosterone injections have to be used to compensate for what the body needs for a normal functioning. In the case of Transsexual Women, instead of using Testosterone injections the doctors would use Estrogen injections, so to make the body work as a female body, which in turns create changes like redistributing the body fat in a more female proportion, reducing the amount of fat at the waist and giving more to the hips, together with creating small breasts, sometimes even with functioning nipples!

Also, it suppose to be changes like reduction in body and face hair, sometimes augmenting head hair, softening of the skin, and several more things, including nasty mood changes and possible depression and even suicide thoughts (ouch!).

Risky, I know; but since nothing is decided yet, it is still the time to analyze pros and cons of every possibility available. As I mentioned before, since my brother can live his life with his body never being seen again by his wife, it is possible to consider the possibility of transforming the body to a certain point where he can use it as a male body most of the times, and me as a female body the rest of the time.

Most probably he would have to “compress” his small breasts with a cloth band to hide them under his T shirt, while keeping his male ways and voice; and I would have to “enhance” the lack of shape with appropriate female clothes and movements, together with developing a female voice and manners. None of us would be 100 percent man or woman, but he should pass good enough as a man while I should pass OK as a woman; although, I hope I could pass OK as a woman when naked, but he will definitely not!

With the voice, for what I understand, using Estrogen instead of Testosterone would not promote any changes in the sound of the voice when going from male to female. I believe when going from female to male there are some changes in voice, becoming deeper than before. But from male to female there are no changes in that matter, so the only way to go there is to work on voice training to attain a more female-like voice.

There are many videos in YouTube and programs for sale that can be used for that purpose (I have a couple of paid programs and several videos saved), but obviously it takes lots of practice and dedication to achieve a decent result; something in the couple of years work (sigh!)

So the plan would be to extirpate the testicles and penis, and start taking Estrogen shots every month…for life! That should help in developing a more female-like figure, which would combine with the unchangeable elements (like bone structure, harder face, etc) to create a kind of Androgynous body that should be possible to dress as a man or a woman as needed. You can see in the picture below, it’ll make very little difference between having the penis and testicles and having none! (sorry bro! :(  ). But to me it’ll make a world of difference!

 

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As a man; short hair, compressed breasts, loose man’s T shirt, jeans and tennis shoes, together with a male voice and manners.

As a woman; long hair (wig), small breasts, sexy shirt, mini skirt and tennis shoes, together with a sort of soft female voice and manners.

It will be a lot of work, but I am so excited about the possibility!

But of course there are big problems. Not just the “eternal” voice and manners training, which includes, voice, face and eyes expressions, gesticulation, seating, walking, and so on, but the problem of age!

You see, my brother is 55 right now. If the whole process takes 5 years, he will be 60 by the time we can use the body by turns; which means I will be an older woman! There is nothing wrong with a woman being in her 60’s, but since I didn’t have the chance to experience physical life from the beginning, I dream of being a sexy woman that can be considered beautiful, sexy and very attractive. So it is a very late start in life!

I can still “salvage” some of the “sweet years” a girl and a woman have from like 15 to 45, but it won’t be much, and I still would look old. And even worst, salvage something but not for a long time anyway. By starting at 60 years old, if we (my brother and I) can keep a very healthy lifestyle, so to keep the body at its best, still the limit to enjoy a more “physical” life would be until around 70, so just 10 years! If you are over 50 you know 10 years go flying! Only when you are 5, 10 years are an eternity.

So to enjoy the female pleasures of feeling attractive and sexually active I will have 10 years at the most! Then it could be a nice lady that can still travel, but getting involved in mostly “talking” relationships, as most people in their 70’s usually don’t have very good sexually working bodies. And unfortunately a lady in her 70’s wearing a mini skirt is usually considered ridiculous rather than sexy! Oh well!!

So that’s the plan. At least my plan. My brother is still thinking the possibilities and problems involved that should be considered. In any case, I’m still shaving the body and enjoying my small breasts while naked when being alone. :)

Now, there has been some situations that might help my “cause” in the short term, but I’ll tell you about that in the next post. In the meantime, have a wonderful week, and thank you for visiting my site!

Sweet kisses

Angel

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As a Woman

The kind of woman I dream of becoming.

Nice body proportions; nice breasts; a beautiful body and face.

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The kind of woman I think I’ll becoming.

A squared body; just a common woman with a more male-like face.

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The kind of woman I fear I’ll becoming

A body out of feminine proportions; a man’s face; an old woman!

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Perhaps it is my own excessive requirements to meet when it comes to become a woman that gives me so much doubts; maybe it is a real fear based on my male body proportions that could never be changed; or maybe just the lack of knowledge on what female hormones and Orchiectomy can do in my favor in my body; I don’t know. The thing is, I have so many doubts on making a decision to pursue the sex change and a new life as a woman.

I’ve collected thousands of pictures of beautiful women; older women; small breasts; ugly women, and so on. All in the attempt to see what I could become. I need references of what it could be for real and not just my own dreams and desires. I’ve seen so many Tgirls who live as women yet don’t look like one; and with it can be desirable only to men looking for a man with a cock and female clothes on. I don’t want that!

If I go ahead in the complete change of body and life; dragging with it hurting the lives of my loved ones; then I have to be sure it’ll be worth all the caused pain to others and all the hard work and expenses in my own life. So the need to explore all the possible outcomes of a sex change. The mind, the body, the works, the expenses, to what end, for what result, and maybe more important, will it be worth hurting others for those results!

Kisses

Angel

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Mind Exercise 3

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This is more a deviation of my mind rather than a true mind exercise, but I post it here anyway. Hope you like it :)

 

-If a spirit is asexual
-If a spirit becomes male or female according to brain construction, type of genitals, hormonal balance, and society teachings

-What if we skip the spirit part?
-What if we consider just energy “powering” a brain and body?

-Then spirits wouldn’t really exist
-It can be spirits that turn male or female depending on society teachings, brain construction and so on
-Or it could be a creation of the brain.

-There is no spirit, it is just an entity created with and within the brain
-So there are no eternal spirits
-So before and after life don’t exist

-Shit!!

-Why do I think so much?!
-Must be a punishment from Hell in a reincarnated life
-From a previous life where spirits don’t exist and we just dissolve after death. (?!)
-Can I just get along with myself?
-LOL

Let’s try again…

-Energy powers a brain and body
-When the brain is powered, it develops a mind
-And from that, the mind develops a sense of entity
-The mind feels and believe to be an eternal spirit
-Rather than accepting to be just a temporary creation

-I’ve always been intrigued why in some religions people cry so desperately when a loved one dies.
-Shouldn’t they be happy for the loved one because he/she is going to a better place as a spirit?
-And only be sad because they will not have the chance to interact anymore with the departed?

-Maybe deep inside their brain they know the departed really is dissolving?
-Never to be again?
-So no matter how deeply ingrained they may have their religion, they still know there are no spirits?

-Who knows.

 

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The thing is…

If spirits don’t exist and all that it is for life is energy that comes to power the brain and the body, and with it the brain creates the entity, the concept of self; to then search for an answer of who he/she is; to later come up with the answer of being an eternal spirit, more as a fear of dissolving after death rather than because of finding the truth, then the Two Spirits concept doesn’t really exist, and even the concept of being born in the wrong body (Transsexual, Transgender) also doesn’t exist. It would be all a creation of the brain.

The brain is built in a specific way depending on what kind of genitals the body has, the levels of hormones in the body, etc. Then society teaches the way the brain should control the body according to what society sees in the body (type of genitals). Males are taught to be men and females are taught to be women.

But even though the human body and the human brain are marvels of nature, they are not perfect, so mistakes do occur. Sometimes the construction of the brain is slightly different from what the type of genitals would dictate, and so the person feels in the wrong body. Other times the brain can be constructed in another different way, creating then in the person a different kind of feeling. These brain construction variations are many, and that’s why we have artist, engineers, politicians, and even “loosers!”

There are so many variations in the construction of the human brain, that we even have Aspies! (hi!). And these variations of the brain construction are as many as body construction variations. All kinds of people; all kinds of brains. And that’s the beauty of the human race! (among other things).

So, in this post I would have to conclude there is no Spirit; it is all a creation of the brain; which would lead to the questioning if religion is also real or not, or just another creation of the brain as a way to “certify” that we don’t just “dissolve” after death, but continue in an eternal journey. But that would be for another post.

Interesting, don’t you think?

Kisses

Angel

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Sex Question

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In the same line of the previous post, trying to better understand myself, here is another question:

If there was an injection that is used only once and is free, and the the use of this injection would be to completely suppress sexual desire for the rest of my life…would I take it?

By using this injection I would never feel sexual desire ever again.
I would never feel attraction to anyone of any sex, other than for a friendship
The effects will never subside

Would I take it?

YES!!

It might seem strange to answer yes, especially considering how important is sexuality in a person; but that’s exactly the reason why I would take it.

You see, sexuality as sexual desire, attraction to others and actually having sex, is so important in most people’s lives that it can be a wonderful thing…or a curse! The need for sexual intercourse is deeply ingrained in our brains as a survival instinct of the specie as a way to keep us searching for sex most of the times, all from a time when we used to be cave people. But nowadays having sex anytime, anywhere and with anybody (willingly or not) doesn’t fit in our actual society rules, and our own moral behavior. Now we meet people, get attracted to someone, and from there we follow specific rules of dating and sex, which includes the proper respect for the other person.

Because of this we have more sexual desire than we can actually have sex! So to compensate there are several ways to provide people with sexual relief, including porn in its many forms, dating sites, and the the old masturbation thing.

Now, for some people (I guess the majority) the mentioned forms of “side” relief might work just fine, but for me it doesn’t. I never watched porn other than maybe 2 movies in total (in 50 years), I used to masturbate maybe twice a month when young, and lately no more than a couple of times a year, and while dating sites do provide with connection with other people searching for sex, the encounters are very sporadic (once a year average if being very active in the sites) and the found person not necessarily satisfy personal needs.

 

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All this takes me to the point of wanting sex and not having it…for years (ring a bell?), so in my personal case it would be such a relief not to feel sexual desire anymore. It is not just the frustration of not having physical sex for years without the alternative of the typical alternatives, but also the problem of being a woman in a man’s body.

By being a woman in a man’s body there is the additional problem of having male genitals (that don’t work anymore) and the perception other people have that I am a man rather than a woman. This means that if I want to attract men and be seen as a woman I have to physically change my body to female, with all the problems, cost and time it implies.

At the other hand, if I didn’t have any sexual desires, with not feeling any attraction to other people, male or female, wouldn’t it be a lot easier in my life? I could remain as a man since that’s the body I have, I could remain married and have a happy life with family, and there would be no hidden desires, plans, projects and all the madness a transsexual person of my age have to live through.

It is said a 30 years marriage where there is no sex is nothing new, but in exchange there are other things and values that matter more than sex, and it is true; friendship, companionship, and tons of memories. Also, if in my personal case the sexual attraction I feel towards men is the main element that pushes me to feel as a woman and desire to become a FT woman, then by not feeling sexual desire not only I could stop wanting to be a woman, but also it could mean recovering my marriage and previous life as a man. In my personal case, what difference would it makes being a man or a woman if I don’t feel any sexual desire! And if so, why change my previous life as a married and family man if, by not desiring sex, nothing would change.

So you see why I would take that injection. And you…would you take it?

Kisses

Angel

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