Tag Archive | Lesbian

It Runs!!

503 2017-06-29 162 01 Psychology and Mind It Runs!!


Reading my last post I can say, yes, I was down! My brother and I. Mostly because of not seeing a way out after a couple of years with the syndrome (Fibromyalgia). Like if everything tried didn’t work more because of a curse rather than a logic path of occurrences (you cannot explain logic to someone falling a cliff!). Well…things haven’t improved in the financial area in this past week, but I guess the mood can change anyway, so back to the drawing board!

Taken from the excitement of trying to start an engine that hasn’t run for several years, to the point when it finally starts and come back to life in a cloud of smoke and random explosions. “It runs!!” Details, like a smooth operation and without smoke and oil drips can be worked out as time goes by. The ups and downs of life could we say.

So after much thinking on what we both want (my brother and I), a general idea together with some representative pictures have emerged. Now we have a better image of what to pursue, both in the physical and the material aspects. Not that we will achieve everything we want, but it is good to have a better idea rather than just different, disconnected thoughts. Having more specific goals to pursue. It does feel better!

For my brother, remain married, but reaching the point of more freedom to travel to remote places and camp on his own, since she doesn’t want to do that; together with dedicating more time to build his career rather than spending most of his time in stand by for his family. At the same time, taking the risks of having a double life, which includes the possibility of surgeries, to give me the opportunity to live physical life “Part Time”. If we reach that point (surgeries) he will have to be very careful not to be seen naked for the longest amount of time possible, so nobody will know he doesn’t have male genitals anymore. And I say for the longest amount of time possible since in reality it seems almost impossible to keep a secret like that forever.

For me, working on transforming this physical body into a more female shape, together with the corresponding mind training to achieve a passable and believable woman; at the same time of using my share in physical life to contribute to my brother’s works and secret. I will not be a full time woman, but I will have enough time to enjoy physical life, and with a more female-like body.

Nothing is written in stone. Things can always change. But at least now we both have a better idea of what could be a path to follow that will gives us what we want, without taking or limiting the other. A good reason to smile again! :)




Post 500

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When I published the post “Leaving” (2016-12-12) telling you that I would close this blog, I also mentioned I became just 2 posts shy of 500.

Isn’t that a big number for a “non-profit” blogger? I mean, most blogger who don’t publish with the intention of making money usually abandon their blogs after just a couple of months of writing, which means rarely reach 500 posts. I started in 2013-03-15; so now I reach more than 4 years, 500 posts, thousands of pictures, and not a single cent made in the process! LOL

But this blog is not about making money, and you can see that in the fact that there are no publicity banners anywhere in this blog. I don’t even know if they generate any money to bloggers, but I never place any of them in this blog because I wanted to create a “quiet” place for people to read, without any nasty distractions as it is in other blogs; at least that’s how it seems to me, especially when I visit those other blogs.

So post number 500 it is! I guess like a fresh start, especially considering that at some point I decided to abandon the idea of living in physical life, just to return a couple of months later with the resolution of finding a way to make it happen anyway, even if it is part time only and without legal identity.

Starting all over again; well, not all over. After so many posts where I talked about what is to be a Two Spirits person, the psychological part of the processes in the human brain, the struggles in today’s society for transsexual people, the infinite number of details to consider when transitioning, and even when just dressing up for one day, and so many more things, today I feel I have a better base from which analyze what can be done and how, and it seems that would be the base for the next couple of posts.


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I know this is a very personal blog, but I still hope it can be of any help to people who might be in similar conditions to mine; I know when searching the net at first, I didn’t find any blog or information on how it feels, what it feels, what are the internal (mind) problems that have to be faced when discovering there is a duality in one’s feelings and desires. There is plenty of information on how to dress up, how to use make up, how to walk, and even how to cultivate a female voice, but I didn’t find any information in the how and why, together with analysis of the human mind in today’s society. So I hope I can contribute a little bit to the big but incomplete pool of information out there.

Hey! I passed the half a million visitor some time ago, so that’s a reason for me to be very happy! :)

So I’ll keep posting about how the human mind works in situations of transsexualism, and the struggles married men face when confronted to their own inner thoughts and feelings in their lives, when they discover late in life (and marriage) they are Transsexuals, Two Spirits, or even Gay. Obviously I can only have a vague idea of what it might be the other way around, when it is women discovering they are a man inside or Lesbians, so in that area my observations and analysis are more superficial.

If you have any comments or suggestions to make, please feel free to contact me through the Contact Page. So far I don’t have the comments option in every post since, honestly, I have no clue on how to activate it!

Hope you have a wonderful day, and will see you in the next post, where I’ll resume telling you about my “sinister” plans to take my brother’s body (part time) to be and experience physical life again.




Am I a Woman?



What is to be a woman? What makes someone a woman in front of people’s eyes? The general shape? The face? The “decorations”? The way she talks and the things she talks about?

For a long time I’ve had the doubt in my mind if I am really a woman. The reason is when I see other women and what they wear and do, and I don’t feel up to do the same. For example, when they use extravagant (for me) nail paint in several colors, with glitter and all; and the same when they wear colorful make up in their eyes!!

In those cases I try to convince myself that it is not a sign of being a woman, but rather just a personal preference on what to wear. For me it is about using very simple and basic colors, and always the least possible.

Another thing that puzzles me is when women use a lot of make up and wear expensive clothes, yet they are fat!! For me in this case it is about being slim and with a better shape, rather than using make up.

You see, I restore cars, which means I tend to see the make up and clothes in a woman like the paint, moldings and decorations in a car; what you use to make the car look great, independently of what are the conditions of the car. You can take a junk car and paint it very nice, but underneath the car is still a piece of junk!! Better fix the mechanicals and make it run nice and smooth, so it’ll be impressive after driving it. A junk car with nice paint will look great in a first impression, but as soon as you drive it, you will feel deceived!!

This would mean the looks are not so important compared with the personality and how she is in and out of the bedroom. That’s true; we all know it. But society show us people go by first looks rather than deep knowledge, so if I am to enter society as a woman, one thing is what I may feel inside and another is how I look in the outside. If in the outside I don’t look and act as the majority of women, society will not see me as one!

So for society what is a woman (or a man) is what is shown in the outside, independently of how the person is inside, which would give more chances of acceptance to a Crossdreser than a Transsexual, which gives me doubts if I am really a woman; mostly because I don’t seem to conform to what society dictates.

That of course shouldn’t mean I am not a woman just because I think, feel and act different from genetic women; but definitely makes me doubt myself sometimes, especially because I’ve never been “officially” in the female world in society, so for now it is all mostly thoughts and opinions, theorizing about being in a world that so far I’ve only seen in the distance.




On Call Woman



So, given the circumstances, all I can be right now is what I’d like to call an “On Call Woman”

It is not even the remains of a previous life as a man, but by the opposite, it is a man’s life that has just a project of a woman within. I don’t even exist under the physical concepts people have of existence. I am an ethereal form that exist in a non-physical plane. I am a spirit only; and I’m trying to occupy an existing physical body which pertains to another spirit who has already built a complete life and family, making very difficult for me to just take that body to experience physical life without destroying what this other spirit has.

So I can only borrow the body from time to time, and for specific purposes only, like going out as a woman for a couple of hours in a planned outing. Then is back to return the body and wait for sometimes months before I can borrow the body for a couple of hours again. It has to be a very precise situation planned ahead of time, and not just the spur of the moment. Then the body becomes a man again.

That’s why I like to call it an On Call Woman.

So what used to be a more common occurrence, now has become a very rare one. Dressing as a woman has been very seldom in the last year, and is the plan to remain as it is right now.

Another reason for that is all the discomfort the body has to go through in order to be seen as closely possible to a woman rather than a man. The whole body has to be shaved now since Laser seems to be loosing its original effect, perhaps needing a second round of sessions, which the time for that hasn’t come yet. So for now shaving the whole body means redness and itching all over, that heavily complicates normal activities, not even mentioning the large amount of time wasted in the shaving process itself.




Then the amount of time that has to be invested in make up, hair preparation with a dying wig, and all the complementary elements like necklace, earrings, etc. To add to that the risks of being seen by neighbors at my place, which have shown a heavy tendency to keep their eyes on me when going in and out of my place! It is just too much risk; forcing me to take everything in a suitcase and dress up and prepare while standing at a public parking lot!

Have you ever been in a grocery store parking lot; get out of your vehicle; and while standing in front of an open door with the suitcase open in front of you, strip naked to change your clothes from male to female, including your underwear for panties? To then close the doors, get back inside the vehicle now dressing as a woman, and start with make up and wig while using the courtesy mirror in the driver’s sunvisor? Your heart would be beating at a thousand miles an hour! Not just because of the possibility of being seen by others, but also because of the possible legal consequences of that! And later on is the reverse situation, going again over the parking lot clothes changing in public, before going back to my place.

So it has become too much of a problem for every time less and less reasons. Being a Part Time Woman is too far away now, left alone becoming a Full Time one! So for the time being and the immediate future, it’ll have to be just “On Call”. I don’t like it, but for now, if I want to minimize body discomfort and risks, there is nothing else I can do.




Mind Exercise 3



This is more a deviation of my mind rather than a true mind exercise, but I post it here anyway. Hope you like it :)


-If a spirit is asexual
-If a spirit becomes male or female according to brain construction, type of genitals, hormonal balance, and society teachings

-What if we skip the spirit part?
-What if we consider just energy “powering” a brain and body?

-Then spirits wouldn’t really exist
-It can be spirits that turn male or female depending on society teachings, brain construction and so on
-Or it could be a creation of the brain.

-There is no spirit, it is just an entity created with and within the brain
-So there are no eternal spirits
-So before and after life don’t exist


-Why do I think so much?!
-Must be a punishment from Hell in a reincarnated life
-From a previous life where spirits don’t exist and we just dissolve after death. (?!)
-Can I just get along with myself?

Let’s try again…

-Energy powers a brain and body
-When the brain is powered, it develops a mind
-And from that, the mind develops a sense of entity
-The mind feels and believe to be an eternal spirit
-Rather than accepting to be just a temporary creation

-I’ve always been intrigued why in some religions people cry so desperately when a loved one dies.
-Shouldn’t they be happy for the loved one because he/she is going to a better place as a spirit?
-And only be sad because they will not have the chance to interact anymore with the departed?

-Maybe deep inside their brain they know the departed really is dissolving?
-Never to be again?
-So no matter how deeply ingrained they may have their religion, they still know there are no spirits?

-Who knows.




The thing is…

If spirits don’t exist and all that it is for life is energy that comes to power the brain and the body, and with it the brain creates the entity, the concept of self; to then search for an answer of who he/she is; to later come up with the answer of being an eternal spirit, more as a fear of dissolving after death rather than because of finding the truth, then the Two Spirits concept doesn’t really exist, and even the concept of being born in the wrong body (Transsexual, Transgender) also doesn’t exist. It would be all a creation of the brain.

The brain is built in a specific way depending on what kind of genitals the body has, the levels of hormones in the body, etc. Then society teaches the way the brain should control the body according to what society sees in the body (type of genitals). Males are taught to be men and females are taught to be women.

But even though the human body and the human brain are marvels of nature, they are not perfect, so mistakes do occur. Sometimes the construction of the brain is slightly different from what the type of genitals would dictate, and so the person feels in the wrong body. Other times the brain can be constructed in another different way, creating then in the person a different kind of feeling. These brain construction variations are many, and that’s why we have artist, engineers, politicians, and even “loosers!”

There are so many variations in the construction of the human brain, that we even have Aspies! (hi!). And these variations of the brain construction are as many as body construction variations. All kinds of people; all kinds of brains. And that’s the beauty of the human race! (among other things).

So, in this post I would have to conclude there is no Spirit; it is all a creation of the brain; which would lead to the questioning if religion is also real or not, or just another creation of the brain as a way to “certify” that we don’t just “dissolve” after death, but continue in an eternal journey. But that would be for another post.

Interesting, don’t you think?