Did I forget to put something on?
Well…my shoes are there!
What else can I be missing?
Oh Shit!! My Skirt!!
Well, I think I might look sexier this way
Who cares anyway!!
There is always an initial shock when people break up. I had it.
We broke up on Friday night, just past midnight.
Saturday and Sunday I had the feelings of throwing up, while feeling rotten inside, not knowing why.
It is Monday morning. I am over it now. Because I know now what really happened. But that doesn’t mean I will forget.
I will write about it. I will write about what happened. I will write about what was felt by both of us. What I understand really happened. I will write it because it is the best way for me to clarify my thoughts, and better understand the little details and their chronological order that contributed to the rise and fall of our relationship. To better understand how he is and was with me, and how I was with him. The good things I gave him, and the mistakes I made.
I am not perfect, and I know in any relationship very rarely it is the fault of just one of them. Most of the times they both are responsible in part for what happened, and I know what mistakes I made, so I’ll write about them too.
But overall I feel more responsible than him of getting so far in our relationship, and having such an explosive break up. I feel more responsible because I understand better what was going on, while he was just acting according to his hidden desires. I should had know better! It wasn’t a simple question. It was the dragging of differences for months, that sooner or later had to come up to the surface, and so a simple question became the trigger of all.
Maybe that’s why I felt so hurt? Maybe that’s why I felt so rotten? I made several mistakes, and I’ll write about it, so I don’t make the same mistakes again.
I hope he will find the love he is searching for, in the form of pure sex and devotion, as I never gave him; and someone that will not think so much, as I always do!
I sincerely wish him the best in his search, to find what he wants and need, so he can finally find the happiness he is been missing for so long in his life.
Sweet goodbye kisses for you Sam. May the best of life reach your hands and your heart pretty soon.
I am a dating sites slut!!
For the past couple of years I’ve opened profiles in at least 9 dating sites. Maybe more?
Today I have an active profile in only two sites; Outpersonals and TSMeet. In both my username is AwryAngel, so if you happen to stop by in any of those two sites, you can search for my profile while browsing the members there (I’m talking men and women…you…sick man!! LOL)
But also, in March 2013, I started my own site, this site, www.awryangel.com, mostly due to the lack of control I could have over what I could do in a site. You see, I wanted to be able to tell about what it is to be a Transsexual Woman; What transformations occur in the body and mind; and what it is to live in hiding, like a small mouse afraid of the world it lives in.
So this site, www.awryangel.com, became my own place, my digital home; the place I live in as a woman, and the place you can see not just my body and my adventures, but also my mind, fears and struggles. Yet this site is not for dating, so I kept opening profiles in dating sites.
Why so many of them?
Because I wanted to find one damn site that will work!! And I’m not talking about getting laid; I’m talking about the features of the site and the membership; the capabilities of organized mail system, page lay out, IM, personal blogs, magazines, etc. and a site that doesn’t freeze up!!
I gave my try to free sites, but the features were few, the site didn’t load up fast enough, and I had to be quick and alert so not to get nailed with a paid upgrade anyway!! Like being butt naked in an all men sauna!! Boy did I learn to move and cover my butt quickly!! I became “The Dodging Ass”, LOL!!
Finally, after trying so many places, I simply abandoned my profiles in those sites and concentrated my efforts in one. Not the best site, but the least worst: Outpersonals. I’ve been there for like five years now, and published almost 400 posts and hundreds of pictures, plus like 15 videos. As I said, the least worst site, but what the heck, they are doing business on our hornyness (is that a word?); so we have to pay for our lust; not in hell, but in dollars!!
Anyway, after those years there, and while perceiving my own transformation from “Curious”, to “Bi-Curious”, to “Maybe Gay”, to “CD”, to “Tgirl”, to a firm and loud declaration (inside the closet) of being a “TS Woman”, I’ve found I was in the wrong site (duh!!). What the hell is a Transsexual Woman doing in a Gay site anyway?!!
So just a couple of days ago I started a subscription in TSMeet, which is a site for Transsexuals. But this time I only dodged my ass for one day…and I surrender myself!! LOL. (Yep! Now I am a paying member)
So together with my own site, www.awryangel.com, now I am in Outpersonals and TSMeet.
I hope in this new site I can get to meet Tgirls with whom we can become friends, and help each other to improve ourselves as women, and maybe even a little girl fun too. So I’ll give it a try to TSMeet, and see how it goes. No more profile opening everywhere. I guess you could say this dating site slut is coming down, LOL
Still, you may find those abandoned profiles in those other sites, but like a dead end corridor in an art gallery, all you will find is pictures and maybe some videos, yet you will see you can’t get anywhere from there.
To become a woman in every aspect has proved to be so difficult!! It is not just about putting on women’s clothes, make up, softening the voice and using soft and female movements, as it might seem, or at least as it is done by most Crossdressers.
Everything seems to be so different between men and women when you try to switch from one to another! Most people don’t have to worry about this, but in my case, being a Two Spirit person, and being me the woman in this duality, I need more than want, to be able to look as a woman when I am in public in physical life.
There are so many aspects to work in, like the voice, the body shape, the manners, and obviously also the face. There is also the way the mind works; the different perception of the surroundings a woman has compared with a man, and the thinking processes it creates and implies, which makes a woman like, want and be in a completely different way a man is (shopping for tools or shopping for clothes!!), but that is a subject for its own post.
When working in the face, so far I’ve been doing laser hair removal to get rid of all the beard, and with it, the darkening of the face by it. As you know, men have a darker face due to the beard, even if they are very well shaved. In my case, my brother’s face used to be very dark because of his beard, but with the laser treatments it is getting, very slowly, lighter in color, and more female-like.
Still, even though the face is getting lighter in color, and also reducing the size of the eye brows, I just can’t get the female look of the face!! Sometimes, just by pure luck, for a brief moment I can get a female like face. But most of the times my face (when being me) doesn’t look as a woman’s face!!
It is like my brother’s face (a man’s face) keep showing up when I try to be myself, and I just can’t understand where the difference is, so to be able to switch from one to the other as it is needed.
When I see pictures like the ones in this post, I don’t see a woman but just a man with long hair! Doesn’t matter what my lover might say, to me my face is still not a woman’s face! To me, with the way my face shows, I wouldn’t be able to pass as a woman if walking a street surrounded by people.
So the need to do the minute changes that are required to transform a man’s face into a woman’s face; but those minute changes just escape me, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t understand where the difference is!
And the problem becomes even harder because for me the face has to look female without using make up, but just a wig and nothing else. No earrings, no necklace, no make up, and not even a humectant cream in the face!
The reason for being so strict in my requirements to have a female face is that most women don’t wear anything most of the times. When they are doing things like grocery shopping or exercising at a park, most of them don’t use anything in their faces, and yet everybody will know they are women when they look at their faces.
To me the key is to be able to get a woman’s face while having nothing in my face, and only wearing a wig (since I cannot grow my hair long enough). That way, if I add the other elements like make up, earrings and a necklace, my face will go from female to an attractive female, which is the way it supposes to be.
Just like the body suppose to look female while naked, so from there anything female I wear will only enhance my female body, and I would be able to dress simple things and in single layers because I would not need clothes to create the female look, the face should be female by itself, so anything used would be just an add on to make it look better.
So I keep looking at the pictures and trying to find what the key is to change a man’s face with long hair, to a woman’s face without make up and accessories.
Maybe someday I’ll find what the key is, but for now it just about keep trying, with the hopes that in the future I’ll know what I’m searching for.
Life is such an adventure!! When you think everything is settled one way, things can change and give you a different place in life and perceptions.
For a long time I couldn’t be penetrated in my ass, no matter what I tried; but finally sometime ago, my lover could penetrate me, showing me I too could experience what is to have a man inside. After a successful second time a couple of days ago, I have no doubts now it wasn’t an accident, but something that can be completely reproduced at will if certain steps are followed.
That completely changed my personal perspective of what I can do and how I can be when related to be penetrated for sex, getting me closer with this to be a woman in the outside as I feel inside.
But it also changed my perspective on what my shape could be!! Together with getting very good results with the laser treatments, now I can think that maybe it could be possible after all to have a more female look in my body by having a more proportional shoulders-hips female shape.
As you know, a man has wider shoulders than hips, while usually a woman has wider hips than shoulders, so when dressing as a woman while having a male body, one of the things that quickly betray you is your shoulders-hips proportion. That’s why so many Tgirls and Crossdressers use hip pads under their clothes, so to adjust the proportions.
The problem is that, one, it is uncomfortable to wear pads under the clothes (at least for me), and two, when naked there is no advantages in pads because simply they cannot be worn, and I want to have the female proportions starting from when completely naked!!
For a long time I thought there was nothing that could be done to fix that problem, just like I thought I could never be penetrated in my ass; but now that finally I can be penetrated, and while on that I could discover one of the causes was my own body reactions, which I can learn to control, facilitating with it the penetration, now I can think due to that that I could change my shoulders-hips proportions; maybe not to a completely female proportions, but at least to the point where my shoulder width could be the same as my hips width.
That not only could allow for a more female look when naked, but also would make easier the switching from man to woman and vice versa. Then it’ll be a matter of choosing specific designs in clothes to enhance a more male or female look depending on what is intended, making easier for my brother and me to use the body by turns with a quick and easy change.
For now my shoulders are wider than my hips, but if I can change that to the same width, I would be really happy!! You see, I am not much interested in getting wider hips than shoulders because if I have same width in both, the body would become naturally male/female proportions, making the switching from one to the other a more natural thing.
Now, how do I make my hips wider? (Since I cannot reduce the width of my shoulders!!). Most probably that would have to be between specific butt exercises and female hormones, for which I would have to talk to a specialized doctor in the field.
Maybe what the doctor will tell me will not be what I want to hear, but for the moment I can’t think of any other way to achieve those results, so I have to try going that way. And even if the answers are not what I am looking for, still, I feel very optimistic about what I could achieve in the long run!!
I’ll keep you posted on what I learn.