She wanted to be alive, to enjoy what is to be in life. She pushed to the limits for the processes to be created in order for her to take over the body, and continue life to the end. She knew she was asking too much!
Just three years before things were sort of fine for him. Although there was the doubt of his own identity, he still managed to have a life and people to live for. He had his job (which he hated, so thing were “normal”), had his place and his cars, together with the typical thousand projects that were part of his life. Things were going fine; not perfect, but fine.
The discovery of a woman inside his head came to explain so many doubts and confusions about his entire life, from his childhood to the present, but also brought the anxiety of not knowing what to do then. He was used to be a man and just have those strange Gay desires of being with another man sexually, but that was just a different “activity” of what he supposed to do as a man; just a slight deviation in with what sex is the person he would have sex with, and nothing else.
But a woman inside his head? What he supposed to do? Let her use the body so she can experience physical life, even though it would be in a male body? Maybe for just a short amount of time. What can go wrong if she takes the controls of the body and fly through life pretending it was him. Like borrowing the controls of an airplane from the pilot, just for a couple of minutes and when the airplane was going quietly at high altitude and in a stable curse. Take the controls for a moment and feel being the pilot, just long enough to know what it is, and then return the controls to the pilot; the rightful owner of flying the airplane. And all of this without communicating their doings to flight control. Nobody will ever know! Everybody would think it was him all the times.
But she took the controls and tried different maneuvers that she wasn’t prepared to do, and the pilot didn’t think she would do that, so the airplane started to spiral down, slowly at first, and then faster and faster. The pilot took the controls to recover the airplane from the fall, but she was still holding the other set of controls and fighting also to recover the airplane. It wasn’t clear for them both if their doings together was helping or getting things worst, but they did know they were going down anyway.
She didn’t know if she should release completely the airplane controls and let the pilot fight alone to fix her doing, or if she should fight the controls with him, trying to do her part in the process. In doubt, she persisted and remained.
Seating at the patio table; staring at the computer trying to come up with something to write; his mind foggy and tired; the sickness; one of many. And what to do about the future. Should she keep the body and he retreat to inner corners of the brain, so she could live life for the rest of the time the body had? Should he recover the body and send her back to the inner corners of the brain, so he could take back his life, or whatever was left of it, to live there until he died? Should they share the body for the rest of the time? What to do? He couldn’t concentrate; he was tired, like he has been for the past three months now, as the deepest part reached so far in the spiraling down that started three years ago, when he discovered her existence. What to do?
Thinking; planning; calculating; analyzing, as he always did in the face of a problem encountered in the past. She was quietly seating in the back of the brain, knowing that somehow she was responsible for his downfall, after he allowed her to use his body. She didn’t feel good. For a while now she wasn’t the happy and impulsive little girl she used to be when first experiencing life. She knew she had messed up things, and she supposed to retreat to the brain now to let him take full control and forget about all the things and problems she incorporated in his already full schedule. But she wanted to live! Her only card left was his desire to give her his body completely, so she could have life while he would retire to the brain, tired of trying and failing. She knew she still had a slight chance.
With a page full of lines describing feelings, possibilities and facts, he was trying to understand what he supposed to do as the right thing, rather than the most obvious. When logic would say he should push her inside the brain and never let her come out again, so he could fix the problems and recover from the spiraling down, he had doubts about how long term that solution would be, before she would be trying to come out again, and even more, he would be bringing her to life himself. So many elements that he knew will not work if she was hidden in the brain, and so many elements that he knew also will not work if she took the body full time. What to do? What to think? And the mind remained foggy.
Although short jeans would be more appropriate and more comfortable to be working under the hood, she loved her mini skirt, and she knew guys would be paying close attention to her every time she leaned over the engine. She knew she was creating problems, as she always did, but she loved it! Her light blue jeans mini skirt; a brighter blue T shirt she fixed with a pair of scissors to make it shorter; her trusty short and old black leather boots, and a curious blue cap she found in a second hand store some time ago. She was dressing to kill, even if the event was a collector car show. She knew she didn’t have the best body, but her skin was fine and tanned, so with the added baby oil to make it shine, and together with her well practiced soft and sexy movements in her whole body and face, she knew she could shine as a sexy and desirable woman; one that would attract many possible buyers to her car, who were coming to see it as an excuse to take a better look at that babe.
Maybe she could sell the car and make some money, and maybe she could hook up someone for dating and sex, as she always did in those events. It was all fun! Including the faces of wives around, who were standing at a distance watching their husbands “go check that car real quick”, and giving her hate looks while in their minds they were going through all the bad words in the dictionary, from the first to the last page. She was having fun! There was a very special pleasure for her in to be more attractive to men than genetic women, which made her feel better about herself, especially when considering that she was a Transsexual woman. Life was great!
He knew there was a chance for her to reach her dreams of how to be, but odds were more in favor of having a complete failure, and just reaching a half way point that would not satisfy her, and yet would also be too far to come back and be a man again. She wanted to try, he knew, but he had to make sure she would succeed, or they both would be in deep trouble with a half changed body that would be of no use for any of them!
Funny as it can be, he always felt the sad loneliness when walking desert lands, as it was that portion of the Texas South West area. His memories of those left behind to have time for him, as he never took before. That special tingling feeling in his stomach that was a permanent part of his trips alone, letting him know he would never be able to completely be one again. He became part of others in his past fifty years of life, so the second fifty would be of loneliness if he decided to retain his freedom. He was like a spoiled bird who lived too long in captivity, so the opportunity of freedom was not something it could take anymore, even if it dreamed of that every night.
But then, she could be alone in the desert and not feel loneliness. She never had a family of her own. For the first fifty years she was hiding in a corner inside the brain, so she didn’t learn of family or friends connections, by the opposite, she learned how to be alone and happy. So he knew it should be her having the body rather than him, but the fear of failure, together with the urgent and very real need of recovering from the spiraling down, he had no choice but to decide to take back the body. In many aspects life was easier as a man compared with as a woman, yet there was still that feeling of emptiness, and the doubts of having taken the wrong decision.
The time to decide had come. There would be no assurance of making the right decision. It was more like betting on one of three chances, and then hoping things will work out in the future. A lottery! Not something he was used to or liked it.