Body Changes

501 2017-06-15 93 02 Physical Changes Body Changes (1)


After a brief interruption with post number 500, now I can resume in telling you about the possibilities I see to have a part time life as a woman, while my brother can retain part of his man’s life for the rest of the time.

So; for what I understand, if testicles are removed, since there is no more Testosterone production, Testosterone injections have to be used to compensate for what the body needs for a normal functioning. In the case of Transsexual Women, instead of using Testosterone injections the doctors would use Estrogen injections, so to make the body work as a female body, which in turns create changes like redistributing the body fat in a more female proportion, reducing the amount of fat at the waist and giving more to the hips, together with creating small breasts, sometimes even with functioning nipples!

Also, it suppose to be changes like reduction in body and face hair, sometimes augmenting head hair, softening of the skin, and several more things, including nasty mood changes and possible depression and even suicide thoughts (ouch!).

Risky, I know; but since nothing is decided yet, it is still the time to analyze pros and cons of every possibility available. As I mentioned before, since my brother can live his life with his body never being seen again by his wife, it is possible to consider the possibility of transforming the body to a certain point where he can use it as a male body most of the times, and me as a female body the rest of the time.

Most probably he would have to “compress” his small breasts with a cloth band to hide them under his T shirt, while keeping his male ways and voice; and I would have to “enhance” the lack of shape with appropriate female clothes and movements, together with developing a female voice and manners. None of us would be 100 percent man or woman, but he should pass good enough as a man while I should pass OK as a woman; although, I hope I could pass OK as a woman when naked, but he will definitely not!

With the voice, for what I understand, using Estrogen instead of Testosterone would not promote any changes in the sound of the voice when going from male to female. I believe when going from female to male there are some changes in voice, becoming deeper than before. But from male to female there are no changes in that matter, so the only way to go there is to work on voice training to attain a more female-like voice.

There are many videos in YouTube and programs for sale that can be used for that purpose (I have a couple of paid programs and several videos saved), but obviously it takes lots of practice and dedication to achieve a decent result; something in the couple of years work (sigh!)

So the plan would be to extirpate the testicles and penis, and start taking Estrogen shots every month…for life! That should help in developing a more female-like figure, which would combine with the unchangeable elements (like bone structure, harder face, etc) to create a kind of Androgynous body that should be possible to dress as a man or a woman as needed. You can see in the picture below, it’ll make very little difference between having the penis and testicles and having none! (sorry bro! :(  ). But to me it’ll make a world of difference!


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As a man; short hair, compressed breasts, loose man’s T shirt, jeans and tennis shoes, together with a male voice and manners.

As a woman; long hair (wig), small breasts, sexy shirt, mini skirt and tennis shoes, together with a sort of soft female voice and manners.

It will be a lot of work, but I am so excited about the possibility!

But of course there are big problems. Not just the “eternal” voice and manners training, which includes, voice, face and eyes expressions, gesticulation, seating, walking, and so on, but the problem of age!

You see, my brother is 55 right now. If the whole process takes 5 years, he will be 60 by the time we can use the body by turns; which means I will be an older woman! There is nothing wrong with a woman being in her 60’s, but since I didn’t have the chance to experience physical life from the beginning, I dream of being a sexy woman that can be considered beautiful, sexy and very attractive. So it is a very late start in life!

I can still “salvage” some of the “sweet years” a girl and a woman have from like 15 to 45, but it won’t be much, and I still would look old. And even worst, salvage something but not for a long time anyway. By starting at 60 years old, if we (my brother and I) can keep a very healthy lifestyle, so to keep the body at its best, still the limit to enjoy a more “physical” life would be until around 70, so just 10 years! If you are over 50 you know 10 years go flying! Only when you are 5, 10 years are an eternity.

So to enjoy the female pleasures of feeling attractive and sexually active I will have 10 years at the most! Then it could be a nice lady that can still travel, but getting involved in mostly “talking” relationships, as most people in their 70’s usually don’t have very good sexually working bodies. And unfortunately a lady in her 70’s wearing a mini skirt is usually considered ridiculous rather than sexy! Oh well!!

So that’s the plan. At least my plan. My brother is still thinking the possibilities and problems involved that should be considered. In any case, I’m still shaving the body and enjoying my small breasts while naked when being alone. :)

Now, there has been some situations that might help my “cause” in the short term, but I’ll tell you about that in the next post. In the meantime, have a wonderful week, and thank you for visiting my site!

Sweet kisses




499 2017-06-01 92 02 Physical Changes Possibilities (1)


So yes, I did shave the legs, LOL. Just take a look at the picture above to see the mess I created! I guess I was too much in a hurry to see results and didn’t take the time to do things carefully. At least the rash and skin damage were only at the most upper part of the legs, so it is just a small portion…nothing a couple of days applying Aloe Gel can’t fix.

And so now it is just the arms that aren’t shaved, which I cannot do because it’ll be too obvious; being summer time (almost) my brother wears T shirts with short sleeves, so the arms would accuse something strange going on. The rest of the body should be OK since my brother always use something in the upper part (never without a shirt), and never wears shorts, so all the so far shaved areas will be always covered with clothes; my brother never even go barefoot! It is me the one who loves to be naked every time I can! LOL

Now, in the previous post I mentioned I was planning something to “force” my time living in physical life. What happens is that, if I cannot take the body completely to be a woman full time and “out of the closet”, meaning by that with legal sex and name change, then the next best thing should be to live as a woman part time, while my brother remains in physical life continuing his own life. In other words, he would remain as a man legally, yet physically his body could be “adapted” to be used sporadically as a woman.

You see, as I already mentioned, my brother and his wife are basically roommates sleeping in different bedrooms. They never see each other naked again and for the past 15 years, which is what allows me to shave the body to have it hairless for when I can use it. And if they never see each other naked again, she never sees his genitals either, which means they can be removed!

I know it may sound a little extreme, but my brother would gladly let me have the body to transform it into a female body, except that he knows that would mean loosing his family. He and his wife may not be a couple anymore, but my brother still have feelings for his family and doesn’t want to loose them, so it is not so simple as to tell them he is “switching sides”. They would never understand and/or accept. I know she would not.

So why not to use the situation as it is and, considering she never see him naked, just do half surgeries and remove the penis and testicles, but without creating a vagina, and definitely without changing name and sex legally. In the outside my brother would continue living as a man and looking “mostly” as a man, while under his clothes it’ll be a body with a shape mostly female, except for the absence of a vagina. The shape between the legs would be generally female; and with the aid (and need from then on) of female hormones to compensate for the absence of the testicles (no Testosterone generation anymore) small breasts should develop. It wouldn’t be a perfect female shape, especially for the still male proportion between shoulders and hips, but at least it should be close enough to be a woman physically, even if not the most attractive, as you can see in the picture below, which I touched up to make disappear the penis and testicles and reduced the waist as to visualize the body after loosing the extra weight, together with adding a wig to obtain the general look.


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Not the best looking woman, I know, but I think it should “pass” good enough to be seen as a woman rather than a man.

There are many other little details to worry about related to how my brother can still have his man’s life with a semi-female body under the clothes, together with many other little details to worry about related to how I can have a woman’s life with an incomplete female body and no identity, but I’ll tell you more about those in the next post.




As a Woman

The kind of woman I dream of becoming.

Nice body proportions; nice breasts; a beautiful body and face.






The kind of woman I think I’ll becoming.

A squared body; just a common woman with a more male-like face.






The kind of woman I fear I’ll becoming

A body out of feminine proportions; a man’s face; an old woman!





Perhaps it is my own excessive requirements to meet when it comes to become a woman that gives me so much doubts; maybe it is a real fear based on my male body proportions that could never be changed; or maybe just the lack of knowledge on what female hormones and Orchiectomy can do in my favor in my body; I don’t know. The thing is, I have so many doubts on making a decision to pursue the sex change and a new life as a woman.

I’ve collected thousands of pictures of beautiful women; older women; small breasts; ugly women, and so on. All in the attempt to see what I could become. I need references of what it could be for real and not just my own dreams and desires. I’ve seen so many Tgirls who live as women yet don’t look like one; and with it can be desirable only to men looking for a man with a cock and female clothes on. I don’t want that!

If I go ahead in the complete change of body and life; dragging with it hurting the lives of my loved ones; then I have to be sure it’ll be worth all the caused pain to others and all the hard work and expenses in my own life. So the need to explore all the possible outcomes of a sex change. The mind, the body, the works, the expenses, to what end, for what result, and maybe more important, will it be worth hurting others for those results!




Don’t Tell



It’s kind of frustrating when you think of it. Among other reasons, I wanted to tell what was happening with my mind and body while going through this process of discovering who I truly am and the transformation of my body in that process, counting the good and the bad things all together. And since it is always easier to tell openly to a writing program than to people face to face, I can tell without restriction; just as it is.

Yet it seems many people don’t tell, not even to a writing program; not even under the motivation to help others who might be going through the same situations. And while I tell as it is, even under the risk of making mistakes and being wrong, or changing my mind and opinion down the road, I still tell honestly, just to try to let others know what it is to be in this situation of transition, with all the good and bad parts of it. Yet I can’t find others telling their experiences in the darkest parts of their lives; so I have to move discovering by being blind in the subjects.

And one of the subjects that has been very complicated for me is the one about being penetrated while having sex. As you might remember, I mentioned before how impossible has been for me to be penetrated because of pain and lack of sufficient dilation of my anus. Only one man has been able to penetrate me in a couple of occasions (about 3 or 4), but it has been always with pain and no pleasure, and always only after a lot of work from both of us.

Now, and because of this, I always thought that maybe I wasn’t born to enjoy the pleasures of being penetrated in my anus by a man while me feeling as a woman, being a transsexual woman. It seemed to me if after so many attempts and never getting my anus to open enough to allow penetration, that might mean that in my case it just isn’t meant to be. And if I finally get penetrated, as it has happened a couple of times with my friend, it will always be painful and without receiving any kind of pleasure, oftentimes accusing to the possibility that I might not have any type of pleasure sensor inside my anus. But now I have another possible answer.

You see, I’ve also mention before that my body seem to have developed hemorrhoids, which several doctors had given me several different opinions of what it might really be. One said it is hemorrhoids, another said it is Herpes, while another said it is Warts, and none of them ordered any kind of blood tests or performed any kind of detailed examination; they just took a very quick look (one second at the most) and immediately gave a diagnosis!

Well, I’ve been searching the net for pictures of all those different conditions and how they are developed, and found that what I have should be just a strong and neglected case of hemorrhoids, and nothing more. A very recent blood test for HIV and STD performed at a medical facility here in Denver, who does these kind of tests for free to the LGBT community, gave only negative results in about 30 different conditions searched for in the blood tests.




This makes me think I have just a strong case of hemorrhoids and nothing else. And then, after performing my own test of internal condition in my anus using my finger, I could feel the grape-like shapes inside and around the anus, just like it shows in the outside. And this tells me something else. For more than a year now I’ve had a very strong and continuous situation of constipation, which has prevented me from being able to have normal bowl movements at all, forcing me to use Milk of Magnesia to get my body rid of all the waste that supposed to get out everyday.

Thinking about this, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I had this internal hemorrhoids for more than a year now, maybe even for several years! And maybe I never had any case of constipation, but what happened is that these internal hemorrhoids were growing more and more internally, until they just simply “clogged” the anus, preventing the body to have normal evacuation; and even more, maybe it was because of these internal and inside the anus hemorrhoids that not just I couldn’t evacuate as it should, but also they created problems in the normal dilation of the anus, giving me all those problems to be penetrated, and even more, creating all the pain rather than pleasure when finally being penetrated by my friend.

So if this is true, all I need to solve several problems: constipation, no bowl movements at all, no dilation of my anus for penetration, pain in the process of penetration, and pain and no pleasure while having a cock inside me, all of these could be solved with just eliminating the hemorrhoids inside, around, and outside the anus! Then there would be no “clogging” of the anus, and no problems of dilation; so it’ll be normal bowl movements and the possibility of being penetrated, and even more, maybe also feeling pleasure out of it!

The only thing that keeps me in doubts is that I read hemorrhoids develop when straining too much because of constipation. In other words, it suppose to be constipation first to then develop hemorrhoids. If I never had true constipation, how did I develop hemorrhoids? Unless they are really Warts developed inside first, to then move to the inner ring of the anus, to then move to the outside of it. If that’s the case, then what I have is really Warts, even though the STD blood tests show negative in everything! And that would mean also that I should have these internal Warts for several years now since my problems for penetration exist from my first attempts at it at the time I just started my exploration of my inner feelings, around 8 years ago. When did I get the virus that creates Warts then? In my very first attempt at being penetrated? Or maybe even at the time of my first man to man experience while in my thirties, even though at that time it was just kisses and me sucking his cock; nothing else!

I guess it is about keep reading and searching for answers in the internet. Fortunately, after the blood test, I got an appointment with a nurse, who started that day with procedures of freezing the Warts to eliminate them. Maybe after several sessions at least those in the outside can be eliminated, and later, next year, I can search for the possibility of surgery to get rid of those in the inner ring and inside of my anus. That would show me if my constipation case was just a problem of clogged pipes, and if my penetration and pain problems were just because of little dilation and rubbing against the Warts inside. We’ll see what happens.





477   2016-09-01     88  02 Physical Changes                       Cocoon (1)


It feels so strange! Trapped, suffocating, pushing to get out…where!
Supposed to be a man’s life, but all of that is in the air now, so where to go?
Seems to be a woman’s life from now on, but will it be?

It feels like being inside a cocoon, or at least I want to think it is something like that, I hope.
Trapped inside, suffocating, wanting to know, with a body that doesn’t respond.
Can’t get out, can’t go anywhere, something is happening to my body, it is sick, I can’t heal it.

Sometimes I want to think I am inside a cocoon and my body is going through a transformation, from man to woman. That all the sicknesses are just a process to become female. That all the problems are just a process to change into something else…a woman!

Sometimes I feel I am inside my own coffin! Desperately pushing, trying to get out. With a dying body by the way of being sick, and all the other problems as a way to shut down and leave forever. Slowly rotting in my own thoughts and desires, until the time to depart arrives.

Where I am?

Thoughts, imagination, desires. Are they feasible projects that can be count on? Are they reality?
Or just delirium of a dying body and mind?
Like a Jewish person in a German concentration camp in IIWW, planning what he will do when being freed.
Illusions! Fake hope.
I’m sorry! A hug from my heart to all of them! I mean it!

A cocoon. I want to think this whole time and all these problems are just a way of being in a cocoon.
Imposing myself the feelings of being a butterfly that still is not, but soon will be.
Lying to myself pretending I am the worm that precedes a bright future of hopes and happiness.
A beautiful butterfly!
Yes…let myself believe…I will be!
This whole time is just the cocoon. The pain, the sicknesses, the problems, the doubts.
It is all just the painful transformation that goes before of being reborn.
It will pass, it will be better, it will be beautiful!

I want to believe! Within the darkness of my doubts…I want to believe!