Sadness

504 2017-07-06 51 07 All Others Sadness

 

It’s been a sad day today. My brother’s mom passed away last night. So today has been all day with phone calls and texts received from people sending their sympathies. My brother and I have been crying a lot.

She was my brother’s mom, but for me she was also a mom (somehow), so the sadness its there for both of us.

I guess it is something only time will help with, but in the meantime my brother will be creating a garden representing his family, more like a way to express his feeling in a positive way, rather than just crying. I agree with him and will be helping him making it. It will be nice.

Other than that, there is just no desire to do anything else or to think about anything else. There is no energy. Maybe sleeping a lot will help, who knows. Everything is sort of in stand-by for a while.

I’ll let you know what happens

Kisses

Angel

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It Runs!!

503 2017-06-29 162 01 Psychology and Mind It Runs!!

 

Reading my last post I can say, yes, I was down! My brother and I. Mostly because of not seeing a way out after a couple of years with the syndrome (Fibromyalgia). Like if everything tried didn’t work more because of a curse rather than a logic path of occurrences (you cannot explain logic to someone falling a cliff!). Well…things haven’t improved in the financial area in this past week, but I guess the mood can change anyway, so back to the drawing board!

Taken from the excitement of trying to start an engine that hasn’t run for several years, to the point when it finally starts and come back to life in a cloud of smoke and random explosions. “It runs!!” Details, like a smooth operation and without smoke and oil drips can be worked out as time goes by. The ups and downs of life could we say.

So after much thinking on what we both want (my brother and I), a general idea together with some representative pictures have emerged. Now we have a better image of what to pursue, both in the physical and the material aspects. Not that we will achieve everything we want, but it is good to have a better idea rather than just different, disconnected thoughts. Having more specific goals to pursue. It does feel better!

For my brother, remain married, but reaching the point of more freedom to travel to remote places and camp on his own, since she doesn’t want to do that; together with dedicating more time to build his career rather than spending most of his time in stand by for his family. At the same time, taking the risks of having a double life, which includes the possibility of surgeries, to give me the opportunity to live physical life “Part Time”. If we reach that point (surgeries) he will have to be very careful not to be seen naked for the longest amount of time possible, so nobody will know he doesn’t have male genitals anymore. And I say for the longest amount of time possible since in reality it seems almost impossible to keep a secret like that forever.

For me, working on transforming this physical body into a more female shape, together with the corresponding mind training to achieve a passable and believable woman; at the same time of using my share in physical life to contribute to my brother’s works and secret. I will not be a full time woman, but I will have enough time to enjoy physical life, and with a more female-like body.

Nothing is written in stone. Things can always change. But at least now we both have a better idea of what could be a path to follow that will gives us what we want, without taking or limiting the other. A good reason to smile again! :)

Kisses

Angel

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Four Years

502 2017-06-22 161 01 Psychology and Mind Four Years (1)

 

Four years it’s been, when I dared to walk in a parking lot for the very first time wearing some female clothes; to then try nudity as a woman, scared to death that I could be caught! How do you explain:

“But I am a woman! No, no…that penis down there is not mine…it is my brother’s!”

That was the time before this body acquired Fibromyalgia Syndrome, so it has all its energy, and with that, I had all the hopes of changing things; of being able one day to live in physical life permanently. It was a matter of just planning things and then executing the plan; what could go wrong?

The picture at the top of this post is from that very first time as a woman, wearing cheesy pink like an eight years old girl (I didn’t have a clue about clothes by then).

The picture below is from the same day, just minutes after the first picture, at the moment I started to feel more daring! LOL

 

502 2017-06-22 161 01 Psychology and Mind Four Years (2)

 

It wasn’t the first time I was naked in the outdoors. First it was my brother when he discovered the pleasures of Nudism back in 2005, and then it was me using the body, but still with no wig, make up, or anything woman. In the outside you would have seen a naked man. By the time of these pictures you would have seen a mix of both male and female and none in particular. Shocking I guess?

These were the first pictures, and many more came after that. Nudity in the outdoors…I guess no day goes by without me thinking about it!

It’s been four years since these pictures and lots of things have changed, and yet nothing has changed in the end. I’m still dreaming of becoming a full time woman just like four years ago, but only new problems have added to the original ones, yet the firsts still remain. Everything has became more complicated; physically, financially, even emotionally between my brother and his wife. From the time when just more money was needed to achieve freedom, until now when the syndrome has moved my brother’s wife to start being the friend he never had before, and which was the main complain and reason to divorce. An older and sicker man that implies a deteriorated body for a woman, only now that man has a bigger emotional debt to his life, limiting the possibilities for me, that woman, to accomplish my dreams. I keep planning, yet everyday that passes I have less and less tools to make things happen.

These pictures remind me of a time only four years ago when I dreamed of a future, and yet after those four years it seems only dreams are left behind. How many things happened in this time? I had lovers, I had problems and big scares, I had adventures and saw places and experience many things, yet all seems like a dream I had last night; all gone. If it wasn’t for so many pictures left behind and even my babies I could doubt it all really happened. Only dizziness and tiredness is what I was left with by now.

So I look at the pictures and realize it wasn’t just a dream! I did live all of that. A couple of lovers, several dates, visiting restaurants and bars dressing as a woman, walking the streets at dawn feeling free as a woman, even if I could hear some laughter in the distance because of my non-passable look. Participated in a couple of dating sites, nudist sites, and posted hundred of pictures and a even a couple of videos; all as if I was building my life as a woman in physical life. Yet nothing seems to remain by now. I haven’t visited bars dressing as a woman for more than a year now, and even those dating sites profiles have been abandoned for the same amount of time; no activities as a woman for more than a year now.

Because of acquiring the syndrome lack of mobility came to my brother, and with it the inability to work, leading to poverty to his pockets, which together always lead to a stop in dreams. No mobility, no work, and so no money to buy time for brief moments of freedom, only pictures remain of a time when my brother and I could dream of building a different reality, to wake up and realize we both are stuck in the land of nowhere. Like standing in the desert tired and thirsty, looking all around to see nothing but sand and a harsh, burning sun; no way out.

Today my brother had to call a company that specializes in selling collector and unique cars, to bring them his beloved car he had wanted to restore and use for so many years. He had the car since 1985 and have driven it several times. He even did a very through repair about 15 years ago, leaving the car beautiful and driveable. Now he will have to sell it to get some money to compensate for his consuming debts acquired as a result of not being able to work for a couple of years now. How frustrating!

I guess today we both are down because of having to sell the car. The foreclosure of a dream, as the song says. And more than just the fact that he has to sell the car, it is the physical situation that shows and makes feel the implosion of what once was a dream of changing life and destiny, to become just a dream while reality has become about loosing and deteriorating. Having to sell his car is sort of proof that things are going in a wrong and destructive direction!

Only pictures of another time are left. Memories of dreams. The old Victorian house falling apart; once dreamed of living in, now avoided like the plague. They were just dreams!

 

502 2017-06-22 161 01 Psychology and Mind Four Years (3)

 

Angel

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Body Changes

501 2017-06-15 93 02 Physical Changes Body Changes (1)

 

After a brief interruption with post number 500, now I can resume in telling you about the possibilities I see to have a part time life as a woman, while my brother can retain part of his man’s life for the rest of the time.

So; for what I understand, if testicles are removed, since there is no more Testosterone production, Testosterone injections have to be used to compensate for what the body needs for a normal functioning. In the case of Transsexual Women, instead of using Testosterone injections the doctors would use Estrogen injections, so to make the body work as a female body, which in turns create changes like redistributing the body fat in a more female proportion, reducing the amount of fat at the waist and giving more to the hips, together with creating small breasts, sometimes even with functioning nipples!

Also, it suppose to be changes like reduction in body and face hair, sometimes augmenting head hair, softening of the skin, and several more things, including nasty mood changes and possible depression and even suicide thoughts (ouch!).

Risky, I know; but since nothing is decided yet, it is still the time to analyze pros and cons of every possibility available. As I mentioned before, since my brother can live his life with his body never being seen again by his wife, it is possible to consider the possibility of transforming the body to a certain point where he can use it as a male body most of the times, and me as a female body the rest of the time.

Most probably he would have to “compress” his small breasts with a cloth band to hide them under his T shirt, while keeping his male ways and voice; and I would have to “enhance” the lack of shape with appropriate female clothes and movements, together with developing a female voice and manners. None of us would be 100 percent man or woman, but he should pass good enough as a man while I should pass OK as a woman; although, I hope I could pass OK as a woman when naked, but he will definitely not!

With the voice, for what I understand, using Estrogen instead of Testosterone would not promote any changes in the sound of the voice when going from male to female. I believe when going from female to male there are some changes in voice, becoming deeper than before. But from male to female there are no changes in that matter, so the only way to go there is to work on voice training to attain a more female-like voice.

There are many videos in YouTube and programs for sale that can be used for that purpose (I have a couple of paid programs and several videos saved), but obviously it takes lots of practice and dedication to achieve a decent result; something in the couple of years work (sigh!)

So the plan would be to extirpate the testicles and penis, and start taking Estrogen shots every month…for life! That should help in developing a more female-like figure, which would combine with the unchangeable elements (like bone structure, harder face, etc) to create a kind of Androgynous body that should be possible to dress as a man or a woman as needed. You can see in the picture below, it’ll make very little difference between having the penis and testicles and having none! (sorry bro! :(  ). But to me it’ll make a world of difference!

 

501 2017-06-15 93 02 Physical Changes Body Changes (2)

 

As a man; short hair, compressed breasts, loose man’s T shirt, jeans and tennis shoes, together with a male voice and manners.

As a woman; long hair (wig), small breasts, sexy shirt, mini skirt and tennis shoes, together with a sort of soft female voice and manners.

It will be a lot of work, but I am so excited about the possibility!

But of course there are big problems. Not just the “eternal” voice and manners training, which includes, voice, face and eyes expressions, gesticulation, seating, walking, and so on, but the problem of age!

You see, my brother is 55 right now. If the whole process takes 5 years, he will be 60 by the time we can use the body by turns; which means I will be an older woman! There is nothing wrong with a woman being in her 60’s, but since I didn’t have the chance to experience physical life from the beginning, I dream of being a sexy woman that can be considered beautiful, sexy and very attractive. So it is a very late start in life!

I can still “salvage” some of the “sweet years” a girl and a woman have from like 15 to 45, but it won’t be much, and I still would look old. And even worst, salvage something but not for a long time anyway. By starting at 60 years old, if we (my brother and I) can keep a very healthy lifestyle, so to keep the body at its best, still the limit to enjoy a more “physical” life would be until around 70, so just 10 years! If you are over 50 you know 10 years go flying! Only when you are 5, 10 years are an eternity.

So to enjoy the female pleasures of feeling attractive and sexually active I will have 10 years at the most! Then it could be a nice lady that can still travel, but getting involved in mostly “talking” relationships, as most people in their 70’s usually don’t have very good sexually working bodies. And unfortunately a lady in her 70’s wearing a mini skirt is usually considered ridiculous rather than sexy! Oh well!!

So that’s the plan. At least my plan. My brother is still thinking the possibilities and problems involved that should be considered. In any case, I’m still shaving the body and enjoying my small breasts while naked when being alone. :)

Now, there has been some situations that might help my “cause” in the short term, but I’ll tell you about that in the next post. In the meantime, have a wonderful week, and thank you for visiting my site!

Sweet kisses

Angel

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Post 500

500 2017-06-08 50 07 All Others Post 500 (1)

 

When I published the post “Leaving” (2016-12-12) telling you that I would close this blog, I also mentioned I became just 2 posts shy of 500.

Isn’t that a big number for a “non-profit” blogger? I mean, most blogger who don’t publish with the intention of making money usually abandon their blogs after just a couple of months of writing, which means rarely reach 500 posts. I started in 2013-03-15; so now I reach more than 4 years, 500 posts, thousands of pictures, and not a single cent made in the process! LOL

But this blog is not about making money, and you can see that in the fact that there are no publicity banners anywhere in this blog. I don’t even know if they generate any money to bloggers, but I never place any of them in this blog because I wanted to create a “quiet” place for people to read, without any nasty distractions as it is in other blogs; at least that’s how it seems to me, especially when I visit those other blogs.

So post number 500 it is! I guess like a fresh start, especially considering that at some point I decided to abandon the idea of living in physical life, just to return a couple of months later with the resolution of finding a way to make it happen anyway, even if it is part time only and without legal identity.

Starting all over again; well, not all over. After so many posts where I talked about what is to be a Two Spirits person, the psychological part of the processes in the human brain, the struggles in today’s society for transsexual people, the infinite number of details to consider when transitioning, and even when just dressing up for one day, and so many more things, today I feel I have a better base from which analyze what can be done and how, and it seems that would be the base for the next couple of posts.

 

500 2017-06-08 50 07 All Others Post 500 (2)

 

I know this is a very personal blog, but I still hope it can be of any help to people who might be in similar conditions to mine; I know when searching the net at first, I didn’t find any blog or information on how it feels, what it feels, what are the internal (mind) problems that have to be faced when discovering there is a duality in one’s feelings and desires. There is plenty of information on how to dress up, how to use make up, how to walk, and even how to cultivate a female voice, but I didn’t find any information in the how and why, together with analysis of the human mind in today’s society. So I hope I can contribute a little bit to the big but incomplete pool of information out there.

Hey! I passed the half a million visitor some time ago, so that’s a reason for me to be very happy! :)

So I’ll keep posting about how the human mind works in situations of transsexualism, and the struggles married men face when confronted to their own inner thoughts and feelings in their lives, when they discover late in life (and marriage) they are Transsexuals, Two Spirits, or even Gay. Obviously I can only have a vague idea of what it might be the other way around, when it is women discovering they are a man inside or Lesbians, so in that area my observations and analysis are more superficial.

If you have any comments or suggestions to make, please feel free to contact me through the Contact Page. So far I don’t have the comments option in every post since, honestly, I have no clue on how to activate it!

Hope you have a wonderful day, and will see you in the next post, where I’ll resume telling you about my “sinister” plans to take my brother’s body (part time) to be and experience physical life again.

Kisses

Angel

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