My name is (a secret), and I’m a married man in his fifties who has a woman within.
Throughout my life I’ve always felt as a man attracted to women, but from time to time have also felt attracted to men, and in some other times even felt as a woman, or at least wanting to be a woman that is attractive to men. So at the age of 45, and for the past several years, I’ve been exploring these hidden feelings to understand what they are and who I am. After much reading, exploration, and joining different gay dating sites for a couple of years to discover if I was Gay, Bi or what, and some male to male encounters that went awry, I finally discovered who I am:
I am what would be considered Bi-Gender or Two Spirit, which means I am 100 percent a straight man that likes women, and 100 percent a straight woman that likes men. I am not in between and acting both roles at the same time. It is either being a man or a woman. I am two persons in one body!!
So taken from the American-Indian culture, I would be what is called a Two Spirit person, or a body containing two spirits or souls.
I am not Gay, which is a man who likes men; or Crossdresser who is a man who enjoys dressing and acting as a woman temporarily, but is happy living as a man. Rather, I am more like two distinctive persons living in one body and who share it by turns. Perhaps what psychologist would call “Double Personality?”
In encounters with other men, I’ve been able to keep switching from being the man with a woman, to being a woman with a man, while playing in bed, but it is always one or the other in my mind instead of someone who is both roles at the same time.
For this reason, and after living life as a man only, I’ve decided to bring to physical life the woman within me, and this blog is to chronicle the feelings, thoughts and the society perspective involved; but mostly, the process of research and transformations I will go through in the physical and mental areas in order to have a body that can be a man’s body when I am the man inside, and as a woman’s body when I am the woman inside.
My intention is to remain living as a man, with the looks and behaviors of a man, but being able to switch to a woman with the looks and behaviors of a woman when she feels the need to express herself in the physical world. Because of this, throughout this blog you will find writings explaining feelings, doubts, projects, rants, etc., and also there will be pictures and videos, most of them of nudity, ranging from simple, to artistic, to erotic, to sometimes plain porno.
Most of the posts will be written by Angel, the woman inside me, with just a few written by me, and some others written by both of us switching constantly.
So the final reason for this blog is to let Angel (the woman in me) express herself freely in a physical world she never had the chance to experience in her own body. And the reason for the name Awry Angel is because it seems to me that name is a good way to reflect when things go bad, like in the case of a man who also has feelings as a woman. I don’t think it’s wrong to give physical life and the possibility of self expression to the woman within me, but taken from the society point of view and its customs, freeing the woman in me and creating this blog is rebellious enough to be considered a man who lost it; who became crazy…hence Awry Angel!
And the name Angel to the woman inside me was given to her when she opened a profile in a gay site under the name AwryAngel. After two days someone wrote to her and called her Angel, probably taking the name from her handle in the site. So she became Angel, as the name given to her.
So please try to keep an open mind when reading and going through this blog, and if you have any suggestion, advice, comment, etc, please feel free to contact me.