Four Years

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Four years it’s been, when I dared to walk in a parking lot for the very first time wearing some female clothes; to then try nudity as a woman, scared to death that I could be caught! How do you explain:

“But I am a woman! No, no…that penis down there is not mine…it is my brother’s!”

That was the time before this body acquired Fibromyalgia Syndrome, so it has all its energy, and with that, I had all the hopes of changing things; of being able one day to live in physical life permanently. It was a matter of just planning things and then executing the plan; what could go wrong?

The picture at the top of this post is from that very first time as a woman, wearing cheesy pink like an eight years old girl (I didn’t have a clue about clothes by then).

The picture below is from the same day, just minutes after the first picture, at the moment I started to feel more daring! LOL


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It wasn’t the first time I was naked in the outdoors. First it was my brother when he discovered the pleasures of Nudism back in 2005, and then it was me using the body, but still with no wig, make up, or anything woman. In the outside you would have seen a naked man. By the time of these pictures you would have seen a mix of both male and female and none in particular. Shocking I guess?

These were the first pictures, and many more came after that. Nudity in the outdoors…I guess no day goes by without me thinking about it!

It’s been four years since these pictures and lots of things have changed, and yet nothing has changed in the end. I’m still dreaming of becoming a full time woman just like four years ago, but only new problems have added to the original ones, yet the firsts still remain. Everything has became more complicated; physically, financially, even emotionally between my brother and his wife. From the time when just more money was needed to achieve freedom, until now when the syndrome has moved my brother’s wife to start being the friend he never had before, and which was the main complain and reason to divorce. An older and sicker man that implies a deteriorated body for a woman, only now that man has a bigger emotional debt to his life, limiting the possibilities for me, that woman, to accomplish my dreams. I keep planning, yet everyday that passes I have less and less tools to make things happen.

These pictures remind me of a time only four years ago when I dreamed of a future, and yet after those four years it seems only dreams are left behind. How many things happened in this time? I had lovers, I had problems and big scares, I had adventures and saw places and experience many things, yet all seems like a dream I had last night; all gone. If it wasn’t for so many pictures left behind and even my babies I could doubt it all really happened. Only dizziness and tiredness is what I was left with by now.

So I look at the pictures and realize it wasn’t just a dream! I did live all of that. A couple of lovers, several dates, visiting restaurants and bars dressing as a woman, walking the streets at dawn feeling free as a woman, even if I could hear some laughter in the distance because of my non-passable look. Participated in a couple of dating sites, nudist sites, and posted hundred of pictures and a even a couple of videos; all as if I was building my life as a woman in physical life. Yet nothing seems to remain by now. I haven’t visited bars dressing as a woman for more than a year now, and even those dating sites profiles have been abandoned for the same amount of time; no activities as a woman for more than a year now.

Because of acquiring the syndrome lack of mobility came to my brother, and with it the inability to work, leading to poverty to his pockets, which together always lead to a stop in dreams. No mobility, no work, and so no money to buy time for brief moments of freedom, only pictures remain of a time when my brother and I could dream of building a different reality, to wake up and realize we both are stuck in the land of nowhere. Like standing in the desert tired and thirsty, looking all around to see nothing but sand and a harsh, burning sun; no way out.

Today my brother had to call a company that specializes in selling collector and unique cars, to bring them his beloved car he had wanted to restore and use for so many years. He had the car since 1985 and have driven it several times. He even did a very through repair about 15 years ago, leaving the car beautiful and driveable. Now he will have to sell it to get some money to compensate for his consuming debts acquired as a result of not being able to work for a couple of years now. How frustrating!

I guess today we both are down because of having to sell the car. The foreclosure of a dream, as the song says. And more than just the fact that he has to sell the car, it is the physical situation that shows and makes feel the implosion of what once was a dream of changing life and destiny, to become just a dream while reality has become about loosing and deteriorating. Having to sell his car is sort of proof that things are going in a wrong and destructive direction!

Only pictures of another time are left. Memories of dreams. The old Victorian house falling apart; once dreamed of living in, now avoided like the plague. They were just dreams!


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