Archive | December 2016

Leaving

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Thinking, thinking, thinking. Or should I say sinking?

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been doing a chronology of what happened in the last five years, trying to understand why I’ve been spiraling down so badly. Physically, emotionally and intellectually things have gone downward for me. I needed to understand what is the reason (or reasons) why everything went crazy and destructive.

After analyzing what I’ve found, the only conclusion I can get to is something I already knew; I shouldn’t be here! This is the body of my brother and not mine. He gave me the chance to try on physical life a little more than three years ago, so I could experience what it is to be “alive”. He let me use his body to feel myself walking in a park, and later on trying nudity in Nature. He allowed me to take more and more of his time and his body, so I could experience more things.

But it was intended as a way to let me “taste” life, rather than take over his own…which is what I did!

Living under heavy stress for three years takes its toll, and my brother’s body can show. His health has gone crappy and his mind has gone crazy. And the only thing for me to do now is what I’ve been trying to do for a while, yet haven’t been able to accomplish…go back inside the brain and return the body to him. Let him dedicate his time to the things he has to attend, rather than taking it to do my personal life.

Such are the problems of sharing one body between two spirits!

So I’m writing this post as the last one.

This blog started on March 15, 2013 and ends on December 12, 2016.

This is post number 497; only 3 posts shy of 500; but the count on the side might not show 497. The reason for that is that I may delete some posts and pictures that could be compromising for my brother’s life. I already deleted a couple of hundred pictures from the site, and that’s why some posts may not have any in them, but just a date and number in the place where the pictures used to be.

Still, I’ll leave the site up, in case somebody finds it and some of the posts can become useful to them; but I don’t want the content to come back later on, and kick on my brother’s life. I know, I should have thought of that before posting; but that is just another proof of my irresponsibility towards my brother. Now I’m trying to set things straight.

So this is my last entry. I don’t know if I will come back later in time and start posting again. Maybe I’ll do it from inside my brother’s brain, but not from physical life. Maybe I’ll never come back again and just live as a secondary female thought in my brother’s man’s life. Maybe after a while it’ll be me the new owner of the body after kicking my brother out of his own brain, who knows.

But I want to thank all of you who have been quietly reading this blog. I hope you found something to think about, something to laugh about, and liked some of the crazy pictures I’ve posted in these three and some years. Your letters throughout this time have been very important to me! A big hug and kiss to all of you!

Love you

Angel

 

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Tail of a Woman

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Just spending some time there, doing nothing. Remaining in that surrender position imagining maybe somewhere close by there is a man spying on me from a window; feeling aroused by the view of my nude, horny body.

Desire!

With very slow movements my tail balance from side to side, as in trying to tempt that man at the window to pleasure himself using my body.

You can come here and have some fun” I suggest in a fainted voice to the man I know is not there.

In the meantime, I just keep dreaming while enjoying that soft tingling in my whole body that comes from being nude, being in a surrender position, and being horny with desires of feeling being a complete woman.

Angel

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As a Woman

The kind of woman I dream of becoming.

Nice body proportions; nice breasts; a beautiful body and face.

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The kind of woman I think I’ll becoming.

A squared body; just a common woman with a more male-like face.

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The kind of woman I fear I’ll becoming

A body out of feminine proportions; a man’s face; an old woman!

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Perhaps it is my own excessive requirements to meet when it comes to become a woman that gives me so much doubts; maybe it is a real fear based on my male body proportions that could never be changed; or maybe just the lack of knowledge on what female hormones and Orchiectomy can do in my favor in my body; I don’t know. The thing is, I have so many doubts on making a decision to pursue the sex change and a new life as a woman.

I’ve collected thousands of pictures of beautiful women; older women; small breasts; ugly women, and so on. All in the attempt to see what I could become. I need references of what it could be for real and not just my own dreams and desires. I’ve seen so many Tgirls who live as women yet don’t look like one; and with it can be desirable only to men looking for a man with a cock and female clothes on. I don’t want that!

If I go ahead in the complete change of body and life; dragging with it hurting the lives of my loved ones; then I have to be sure it’ll be worth all the caused pain to others and all the hard work and expenses in my own life. So the need to explore all the possible outcomes of a sex change. The mind, the body, the works, the expenses, to what end, for what result, and maybe more important, will it be worth hurting others for those results!

Kisses

Angel

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Am I a Woman?

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What is to be a woman? What makes someone a woman in front of people’s eyes? The general shape? The face? The “decorations”? The way she talks and the things she talks about?

For a long time I’ve had the doubt in my mind if I am really a woman. The reason is when I see other women and what they wear and do, and I don’t feel up to do the same. For example, when they use extravagant (for me) nail paint in several colors, with glitter and all; and the same when they wear colorful make up in their eyes!!

In those cases I try to convince myself that it is not a sign of being a woman, but rather just a personal preference on what to wear. For me it is about using very simple and basic colors, and always the least possible.

Another thing that puzzles me is when women use a lot of make up and wear expensive clothes, yet they are fat!! For me in this case it is about being slim and with a better shape, rather than using make up.

You see, I restore cars, which means I tend to see the make up and clothes in a woman like the paint, moldings and decorations in a car; what you use to make the car look great, independently of what are the conditions of the car. You can take a junk car and paint it very nice, but underneath the car is still a piece of junk!! Better fix the mechanicals and make it run nice and smooth, so it’ll be impressive after driving it. A junk car with nice paint will look great in a first impression, but as soon as you drive it, you will feel deceived!!

This would mean the looks are not so important compared with the personality and how she is in and out of the bedroom. That’s true; we all know it. But society show us people go by first looks rather than deep knowledge, so if I am to enter society as a woman, one thing is what I may feel inside and another is how I look in the outside. If in the outside I don’t look and act as the majority of women, society will not see me as one!

So for society what is a woman (or a man) is what is shown in the outside, independently of how the person is inside, which would give more chances of acceptance to a Crossdreser than a Transsexual, which gives me doubts if I am really a woman; mostly because I don’t seem to conform to what society dictates.

That of course shouldn’t mean I am not a woman just because I think, feel and act different from genetic women; but definitely makes me doubt myself sometimes, especially because I’ve never been “officially” in the female world in society, so for now it is all mostly thoughts and opinions, theorizing about being in a world that so far I’ve only seen in the distance.

Kisses

Angel

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