Archive | April 2016

Previous Lives

434   2016-04-28   122  01 Psychology and Mind                Previous Lives (1)

 

Since I was with my brother from the time he was a child, all his life, from which he has his memories, I too have my own memories of a life and growing up, to the point I am today. There are differences in the way we perceived and remember our lives. Some of the feelings are the same and some others are different. One of the memories we both have is this one, which have an incidence in both of us, yet the feeling is different since I am a woman and my brother a man. So seeing this memory from my perspective, this is what happened.

I never knew for what reason, but since being a very small child I was always intrigued about Japan. In the times when libraries were the only way to get information (70’s in South America), I couldn’t get much. But my fascination with Japan was always there. At the other hand, I’ve been always afraid of giant walls falling over me. I used to have fever attacks when a child, and most of the times I had hallucinations, and I always had the same two; either a giant wall of water was falling over me, or it was a giant circus tent the one falling over me; in neither case I could escape. I knew I could run, but there would be no point since I knew I would be crashed by the giant tent or the giant wall anyway. The feelings of being so powerless at that moment, completely surrounded and deprived of vision and breathing until I die, no matter how much I kick and try to escape, it simply terrified me!

I was always so terrified of not being able to see and breath, to the point I’ve never been able to learn to swim! As soon as my eyes, nose and mouth get under water, my heart starts racing! I’ve even tried filling the lavatory with water and putting my face in it, and again, as soon as I feel I can’t see because my eyes get covered by water, and can’t breath, because my nose and mouth get under water, my heart jumps to a 1000 MPH!!

Also, I’ve always wanted to travel and see places; that’s why I bought a motorhome and being restoring VW Campers from the 70’s and 80’s; I love the concept of a motorhome or camper to travel, but not much interested in going by ship or airplane, even if the destinations are of my interest.

Then, these feelings of being a woman when I was born in a male body, yet the refusal to give control to a man as a couple. The desire to be independent and protect my freedom no matter what. I might feel as a woman, I might like to be the one being taken and penetrated in bed, but outside the bedroom I am your equal, and if you don’t like it, I’ll just go and never come back!

Because of these things I came to the conclusion I must have been a Japanese Woman in the past, like in the 1700’s or 1800’s. Probably living in a small village by the ocean. She must have spent a lot of time walking by the ocean, dreaming of traveling and seeing places, in a time when travel to new and exotic places was done by ship only, as there was no other way by then. Then, in the past Japanese women were considered very second to men, and they had to obey and be of service to their husbands, which must have been very frustrating to women. Maybe this, assuming she was married, could have been the reason why she wanted to travel far away, not only to satisfy her curiosity about other places, but also to escape a life of oppression and violence, and find new opportunities. Like a second lease in life!

 

434   2016-04-28   122  01 Psychology and Mind                Previous Lives (2)

 

Probably she walked a lot by the beach dreaming of traveling and freedom, when a tsunami came, destroyed the village and killed her in the process. So being me that Japanese woman, I fear walls of water since I died by one of them, being crashed, surrounded and held until I died by drowning, no matter how much I fought. So my hallucinations as a child and my irrational fear to being under water without the possibility to see and breath. And I know the problem is, not being able to see and breath, because I tried in a reservoir using goggles and a snorkel, and even though my heart was racing when submersing my face under water, just by being able to see and breath while underwater I was able to calm down myself after a couple of minutes, to the point of even trying swimming as a frog for a moment! So I know, if it is with scuba diving equipment, I can have fun under water, but without aids to protect my vision and breathing, I just can’t!

Everything fits. My extreme curiosity of visiting Japan (since I was Japanese), My desire to be a woman even if I was born in a male body (since I was a woman), my desire for freedom and independence (since Japanese women had it very difficult in the past), and for the same reason, when the dictatorship took my country, and by seeing the abuse of men in uniform just because they had guns, I guess for me it wasn’t just about going away for freedom, but I developed a rejection to military and guns; I can’t stand the abuse of the given power, like a soldier in the dictatorship, or a Japanese man to women in the past! I feel as a woman, but a very feminist one! LOL

Then, my fascination with motorhomes and campers, as they can travel places over solid ground, rather than by water or air, where it doesn’t make any difference if it is a ship or a plane, either way you are trapped no matter what, until you die, and there is nothing you can do since you don’t have control over the machines and the environments (you die if the ship sinks in the ocean or if the plane falls from the sky), while in a car or motorhome you have control and can anticipate and prevent; much of your safety is in your hands, not somebody else’s hands; and the environment is not so unforgiving as the open ocean or the air from a 10,000 ft altitude! It’s about feeling of having control over one’s life!

And that Japanese woman probably spent a lot of time walking by the beach, dreaming of traveling to a far away exotic land, where she could get a second lease in life with freedom to be. The funny part is that I traveled to the US in search of freedom from the dictatorship, and got to see an exotic land myself, and had an opportunity for a better life! That Japanese woman did get her dream after all, even if it was a couple of hundred years later after she died!! I cry every time I think of this!!

Oh, and I don’t know how it happened since I wasn’t trying to get that result. Because of the clothes I was wearing, I thought of a picture of a Country Style Woman, but instead I ended up with a picture of a Japanese Girl!! LOL

 

434   2016-04-28   122  01 Psychology and Mind                Previous Lives (3)

 

So many things, isn’t it? I am not saying this is how it is and how this happened, but I believe at least it grants a second thought, don’t you think?

Kisses

Angel

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Drones

433   2016-04-25     71  04 Trips and Adventures                  Drones (1)

 

As time goes by and the price of drones drops, I imagine pretty soon we will have to put up with those things all the time. It will be almost impossible to enforce our right to privacy, so we will get flooded with them anyway. At the other hand, what privacy? Honestly. Our emails, our phones, our spending, our credit, everything is becoming public property; anybody can check our names and discover where we lived the past ten years; if we had divorce; bankruptcy; job changes, and so much more.

Now, seen from the other end; if I buy a drone and go to the mountains, I will love to fly it all over to see nature from the air. If in one of those times I happen to find a nudist hiking, most probably I would hover my drone to have a good look at the person, and then fly somewhere else. Even if I am recording the whole fly, I wouldn’t do anything with the images of the nudist, and I imagine most people would do exactly the same. Nowadays nudism is not so strange as it used to be 10 years ago. Nudism is not common, but is not a shocking thing anymore. If someone is hovering a drone over us while we are walking or kayaking naked, I’ll assume they are just enjoying the view, but that’s all.

So what do we do if we see a drone hovering over us?

If it is a police drone, I doubt they would do anything if they discover a nudist kayaking a solitary place, and even hiking, as long as it is a solitary place. If police is using a drone in a remote area without people, most probably they are searching for something else, and their finding of a nudist will only spice a little their day, but most probably they will not do anything about it since that’s not what they are there for. I would think, the best we can do in that case is just look at the drone, smile and wave, to then resume our hiking or kayaking; that way police will know nothing is wrong, just a nudist enjoying the solitary place. If it is a couple, or women and men, I would imagine it would be very important for everybody to smile and wave, so police knows there is no kidnapping and/or abuse to the women there. Maybe it could be a good thing to always carry a piece of paper with “Nudist” written in it, so to show it to the police drone to clarify nothing bad is happening. Hey! After all we are proud to be nudists, right?

 

433   2016-04-25     71  04 Trips and Adventures                  Drones (2)

 

Now I wonder, if a drone hovers over my property, I assume I am in all my rights to shoot it down and keep it with me until police arrives, so I can show it to them; and if the owner happens to show up asking for the drone, he/she will be liable for invasion of privacy, and the possession of the drone will be the proof. I think I would love to have a small drone equipped with fake guns, so if another drone comes to bug me, I can fly mine close to the other and let the owner see my guns, LOL. That could be practical to keep drones away!

But seriously, we live in a time where privacy is becoming exchanged by the numbers in anonymity. If somebody takes a video of us naked in the woods, and then post it in the internet, the chances of that video being found by people who knows us is very slim. It is us, people over 50 years old that still holds the older ways of having privacy; younger people live posting themselves in Facebook and YouTube, and they are not afraid of who can see what they post. Even more, they don’t even save the pictures they take, like we used to do in the past. For us pictures and videos were elements to see over and over again throughout the years, and to show to our friends and family. For the younger generation pictures and videos are elements for the moment, to be discarded quickly in the name of the next picture or video. If they gets us nude on video, most probably they will have a good laugh showing the video to their friends, to then record something different on top of that. It is us that, since we take other people’s privacy seriously from what we were taught and our experiences in past decades, that we also require our own privacy to be taken seriously; and so we feel disrespected and angered when others don’t do the same as we would do.

Something that happened to me a couple of weeks ago that shows this. After a blizzard here in Denver, I went out the next day and started taking pictures of all the snow around. I found myself at some point at a Walmart parking lot, and while taking pictures of the piled up snow between cars, a woman came out of her parked car and shouted at me “Hey! Don’t take pictures of my car!”. I said sorry and moved away. Then I got thinking, why she was so upset when the parking lot has video surveillance 24/7? Nobody else cared!! So I imagine she was the “old style”, while most people already assumed they are being watched all the times everywhere!

I can imagine, just like we need to learn to be seen nude by others in public in a nudist beach to become a true nudist; the same way we will have to learn to be watched from the sky by drones just in the same way we are finally accepting to be watched by cameras in streets, intersections, banks, hotels, and every imaginable place we happen to use in our everyday lives these days. The privacy that used to exist and was so cherished no longer exists in modern society; it has been replaced by no privacy that doesn’t matter because there’s so much material being collected every second, that society learned not to care about that anymore. In other words, old privacy was about not doing, while new privacy is about not caring about. This doesn’t mean I like it, but I guess that’s the direction society is going to.

Kisses

Angel

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Time to Return

432   2016-04-21     86  02 Physical Changes                        Time to Return (1)

 

Well, I guess the time has come for me to give physical life a goodbye. Not that I want to, in fact I have so many projects that I would like to complete, but the circumstances call me for graciously return the body that once seemed to be mine to use, transform, and even keep; yet reality reminds me it was just a borrowed body. I had a borrowed life.

My brother’s health has deteriorated too much in the past six months. His energy went down; his mind and focusing capabilities are down, and with the bowel movement problems, together with the lumps developed around his anus, which the doctor said it was Herpes, right now the body is mostly dragging rather than walking.

But that’s not all. Because of acquiring the Fibromyalgia syndrome, which was diagnosed and given medicines at the beginning of 2015 (April), his energy levels went down to about 50 percent of what it used to be, and that is with the action of the medicines! Because of this, he tried to keep his job, but being a very physically demanding job, in August 2015 he had to quit, before they fire him.

With this, my brother has been without income since August last year. It is 9 months in which he has been able to survive, but right now he needs to get out of that. And because of not having all his energy, he hasn’t been accepted at jobs where he placed applications, so it seems nobody wants a worker that can give only 50 percent, which is understandable. But then, it means also my brother will have to find alternative ways to make income, and while having so low energy, it’s going to be a complicated task! Then there’s also the problem of not doing something that will satisfy him as a career, so another thing to pay attention to.

His badly deteriorated health; his income down; not having a job and/or a career, and having to deal with all that while having only about 50 percent of his energy; and then add he has family, a wife and son to spend time with, participate with them and take care of them, honestly I am amazed he has been able to keep up!

And on top of that, I am using his body to live my life, reducing his time and possibilities to take into the problems he has to attend! While also implying secrets to keep from his family and friends, as it is my wardrobe in his place, where there are my clothes, make up, toys, wigs, etc. And then his computers with my pictures, videos and writings, which are all compromising if somebody gets in them.

No wonder why my brother is having such stressing life!! It seems some of his physical problems could be just too much stress, rather than a physical reason. So it has become imperative he reduce the elements that create stress, and dedicate to fix all his problems once and for all.

So I have to go!

 

432   2016-04-21     86  02 Physical Changes                        Time to Return (2)

 

Seriously; I am the biggest reason for his stressing life! If you consider I don’t leave him enough time to attend his problems, I imply a big secret to keep, which includes physical things that can be discovered; and then deviating his attention from solving his problems to concentrate in how to make the body more female; meeting with a friend (I stopped dating men more than 2 year ago); writing posts in 4 blogs and answering letters from 2 dating sites, I simply didn’t leave him time for himself!!

So you see, I have to go. I already closed the accounts in those dating sites, and I will get rid of all the clothes and stuff I have and clean up his computers of my pictures, videos and writings, so his place will have no secret to hold. That should make some stress disappear. And by stopping all connection with dating sites and people there, and the blogs that I used to write in and keep up, his time will be increased greatly.

I will only keep this blog active.   Awryangel.com is my home, and I will keep posting here, but will stop existing in physical life. It will be thoughts, opinions, perceptions, etc so I will remain existing anyway, but without taking so much time and creating so much stress in my brother’s life.

Another thing that I had to do, I had to say goodbye to a friend with whom we’ve been meeting and dating for three years now. We used to be lovers, or Friends With Benefits, it really doesn’t matter now. We had very sweet sex, and sometimes also amazing sex!! He was the best lover in bed I ever had, and I told him. And I tried my best to make him feel good and cared for. Out of bed though, we are so different that we had several very heated arguments, to the point of saying goodbye a couple of times.

 

432   2016-04-21     86  02 Physical Changes                        Time to Return (3)

 

I had to say goodbye to him because I will not be in physical life anymore, so I can’t meet with him again. I sent him a letter explaining things and the three pictures you can see in this post. The first is from the time of my first attempt at physical life 3 years ago, while wearing female clothes and trying make up. My friend told me he liked that picture. The second picture is me, how I look as a woman in a borrowed male body, and holding a complicated mind that analyze everything, to the point of bother everybody around, LOL. And the third picture reflects my desire of adventure, my desire of living in physical life.

Those three pictures reflect who I am, from my beginning until today. That’s why I sent those pictures to my friend, and why I use them again in this post. They reflect the spirit I am while being in physical life. A brief moment in time; like a shooting star burning itself to shine, while happily and carelessly racing the night sky until no physical body is left, and just the spirit remains…if anybody will ever believe in her true existence.

I guess it’ll be like an adventure; a new stage in my life. I will be alive in a different way from before. 3 years ago my brother gave me the opportunity to taste physical life for a brief moment. Just a simple thing, yet it turned into a crazy, frenzy life for both of us, to the point of taking us both to the edge of death; seriously! But I’ll tell you about that in all details in another post.

Kisses

Angel

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Dream Date

431   2016-04-18     48  05 Dates and Encounters                Dream Date (1)

 

We all dream of something we would like to experience, and I guess that shows who we are, what we want, and what are we searching for.

Since I feel as a woman, I like to be the female, kitty type one. Dressing sexy in what in my concepts is sexy, which seems to differ from what guys and CD’s in sex dating sites most commonly like.

I’ll be wearing a light fabric dress; the kind that opens in front and you put it on like a jacket. It would be a very simple design dress, that covers my butt like a mini skirt, and is closed in front with a line of buttons, and then an integrated belt. I will have nothing else on me; no shoes, no underwear, nothing. Just my wig and make up, and some light jewelry like earrings and a necklace.

My date will visit me at my place, so I’ll be waiting for him with my dress on and some wine ready to serve. When it comes to men I like the simple type, not the big muscle kind; he is in decent shape but nothing great. He is wearing jeans, a T shirt and tennis shoes when he visits me. Think of a geek type; maybe a library rat.

We get together and he holds me and kiss me while I give myself up to him. He starts unbuttoning my dress and I let him, as a sign that I am his to play with. He opens my dress and start massaging my breasts as we chat for a moment about how our days have been going. Then he walks me to my bed. I go in front of him and he lifts my dress and grabs my butt as we walk.

I pour some wine in the glasses and play some romantic music in the stereo. We drink and dance slowly while kissing. Then he takes my dress off and I am completely naked in front of him while he is still with his clothes on. I am his, for his pleasure. I kneel in front of him and make love to his cock for a while, so he can feel pleasure. Then he takes me to bed and bend me over, having my butt in front of him. He massage my whole body and kiss me all over very sweetly, as he knows that gets me wild.

 

431   2016-04-18     48  05 Dates and Encounters                Dream Date (2)

 

He kiss and licks my ass, to then play with it pouring lots of lube, and then he enters me, very slowly and carefully, while I feel him taking me and making me his. Then he grabs me from my hips and starts fucking me harder and harder, while I stand the fucking, the shaking, the use he is giving me. There’s nothing I can do, other than let him fuck me, and that gives me so much pleasure knowing he is having pleasure by using me to get his sexual relief.

Then he lift me and throw me in bed face down, so he can fuck me while being on top of me. He fucks me in my ass, at the same time he grabs me tight from my shoulders and breasts, while breathing heavily in my neck. All his weight is over me, so I feel I can’t move; I can’t do anything; I have to stand the hard fucking until he decided he had enough. He is the wolf; I am the prey and he is feasting on me!! So I close my eyes and enjoy being his for his pleasure.

When he is ready to cum, sometimes he cums inside me; other times he cums all over my back and butt, and other times he turn me around and cum in my face, my mouth or my breasts. He leaves me with his cum on me.

Then he takes me by the hand and guide me to the shower, where he starts washing me all over, while I stand still with my arms over my head and my eyes closed for him to wash his toy. His hands run all over my body, invading every very personal place. But I let him because I know he enjoys having me all, and I enjoy being his all.

He soaps my body with his hands, and then wash away the soap, again, with his hands. I am touched everywhere several times. I am groped and used by him, while I stand still with my arms on my head, and remain with my eyes closed, so he doesn’t feel controlled on what he can and cannot do because of my eyes. He owns me and he knows it.

 

431   2016-04-18     48  05 Dates and Encounters                Dream Date (3)

 

Then he drys my body with the towel, and takes me by the hand to the living room, to have another glass of wine, listen to the soft music, and seat in the couch with me leaning my head in his shoulder or over his legs. I talk very softly and slightly touch his body, so he knows I am his kitty to pet for a moment.

Times always fly when having fun, and when six hours had gone in like five minutes, he has to leave. So I go with him to the front door hugging him and softly rubbing my face in his neck while purring like a kitten. Then at the door, he is standing ready to go while I am standing still naked, saying goodbye. We kiss, he gropes me again and give me a quick spank, and then he leaves.

He is happy because he had me. He loves me because I give him pleasure the way he wants it, and I love him because he is very sweet and tender with me, and he treats me like a fragile kitten that needs love. We give each other what the other wants sexually, and in the way each other want it. So even though I reduce myself to serve him and give him pleasure, and he takes me and uses me for his pleasure, we both do it with respect, care and love, so we know we are for each other.

Then the times we have outside of the bedroom talking and discussing things…that’s a completely different story! But I’ll tell you about that in another post.

Kisses

Angel

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Energy and Stress

430   2016-04 14      85  02 Physical Changes                        Energy and Stress (1)

 

It’s been really strange. For the past about six to eight of weeks my energy levels went down big time. I knew what I had to do, but simply had no energy to do it. The lists of things to complete went passing and passing, and even though I knew I was getting nothing accomplished, I simply couldn’t do anything; I had no energy at all!! I just sat in there, watching the lists, thinking I should do something, yet couldn’t even get up to start anything.

After thinking a lot why that strange situation, I concluded it could be the problems with my no bowl movements that might have been affecting my energy levels somehow.

You see, about six months ago I stop having bowl movement. At first I didn’t realize and just thought might have been something I ate, and disregarded the problem with the idea that after a couple of days everything would be fine. Well, after a couple of days I started having those strange lumps around my anus, and that’s when I thought of a sexual infection; something acquired through my lover, with whom we had been having sex and me receiving partial anal penetration.

He denied having any disease, and I knew I haven’t been with anybody else for the last couple of years, so the strange lumps around my anus kept growing in complete mystery of why.

Then came the colonoscopy test I was going to do because of the continual insistence of my doctor; “You are over 50, you should have a preventive test done”. I didn’t want the test, so dodged the bullet and simply didn’t do it; until I thought of a sexual disease because of the lumps around the anus, and the extended no bowl movements, now for about four months!

I drank the whole gallon of fluid to clean up the colon before the test; I had my time seating at the toilet feeling the strange water flow from my ass, until the water came clean; I got ready for the test. Then something strange happened. My stomach became flat, the lumps around my anus disappeared, and I got a lot of energy to do things!

 

430   2016-04 14      85  02 Physical Changes                        Energy and Stress (2)

 

First, I realized how bloated I’ve been for the past couple of months! It wasn’t just being fat; it was being bloated!! I knew I was still overweight, but shouldn’t have such big, beer kind of belly!! Something was in my stomach creating the problems.

Second, I associated the lack of energy and the existence of the lumps around my anus with the no bowl movements. Like if this no bowl movement was creating all the problems; my big belly by bloating; the lumps in my anus as a reaction of the body for not evacuating the waste properly, and no energy as a physical consequence of this all.

But by the next day, test day, the lumps returned, even if I hadn’t eaten anything and my colon was empty. So I went to have the test with the idea of telling my doctor about this. He checked the lumps around my anus and asked me if I had sex through my ass. I lied, I told him no. He is the family’s doctor, so didn’t want to admit it to the same doctor that sees my wife! He said it was Herpes, and that was something acquired by anal sex. He couldn’t do the colonoscopy because of the risk of breaking some of the lumps and spreading an infection.

To me it was depressive! Sort of a confirmation that my lover of the time had to be the one that gave me the sickness. And the next day, after having my regular, light meals, there was no bowl movement, the lumps got bigger and spread, and energy disappeared once more. Back to the beginning!

Since no energy to do any physical activity, I spent time in the computer, not writing posts or anything productive since together with the lack of physical energy I also had no creativity and couldn’t concentrate in any specific thought, but instead was surfing the net to try and find what could be the problem I was having. After a couple of weeks on that I found it could be no sexual disease, but simply an obstruction of the colon what was creating all the problems. No bowl movements, so generated bloating, lack of energy and the lumps in my anus.

 

430   2016-04 14      85  02 Physical Changes                        Energy and Stress (3)

 

Up to that moment about four months have passed since the bowl movement stopped. This was about six weeks ago. Still no energy, so couldn’t complete physical tasks, and so dedicated myself to think why. Why I was having all these problems. My conclusion was that it might be excessive stress that is causing all of this physical problems, that in turn created all the other problems.

So pushed myself in trying to find why I could be so stressed out, while also trying different ways to fix the possible colon obstruction. That was the time I came up with the past long posts about Two Spirits, and the explanation of how the whole transgender thing might work; while observing my body reactions to treatment with forced bowl movement with the use of milk of magnesia every day, for about a week.

Well, I got many conclusions about how this whole transgender thing might work, and I got a very decent amount of energy back, so was able to start doing physical things again. And concluded also that the reason for such big stress could be my indecision in telling or not to family and friends about me, Angel, and explaining I am a Two Spirits person. In other words, coming out of the closet!!

And to add even more problems, due to not having laser hair removal in my body for about a year now, the body hair is growing faster and stronger, so it has become more difficult to shave it, and right the next day after shaving there is a big itching in the whole body caused by the coming hair rubbing against other parts of the body, like leg against leg, so I get a big rush in my skin.

Because of this I’ve decided to stop shaving for a while, so to avoid having yet another problem to deal with. But instead I’ve been having the new problem of seeing my body hair grow a lot, so I feel bad in how it looks, since now the body hair is “accusing me” that I am not a woman but a man, or at least that I am a woman that looks like a man rather than herself. Yuk!!

 

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So it is understandable if I am so stressed out in front of all these problems and such big and life changing decision. It is like my subconscious is pushing me to come out and start living alone, divorced, and being a woman in public, rather than a man. Yet, at the other hand, my conscious is making me consider how I could destroy other people’s lives by coming out, and what are the real possibilities of me being physically a woman. Big puzzle!! So the result is big stress.

I don’t know if I reached a point where I cannot longer keep the secret and desperately need to tell and be myself, and that creates the stress that in turn creates the physical problems? Or if there is a sexual disease or colon obstruction that is really a physical problem creating everything, including stress and confusion.

Obviously the best thing to do in this case would be to get tested for sexual diseases, and get the infamous colonoscopy done once and for all, so to know what is really happening. The problem is that right now I don’t have medical insurance, so I would have to pay everything from my pocket and that is too much for me, so I can’t afford the expenses, and so I am sort of trapped in a loop!

Just a couple of days ago I stopped taking milk of magnesia every day, to see if my bowl movements have returned to normal after the “treatment” of forced bowl movements for a week. Nope!! So I’ll go back to take that milk for another week to see how things evolve; all until I can pay for the tests and the doctors visits.

I know I might have what they call a serious condition, especially if it is a colon obstruction, but for now I have no choice and have to take the risk of things getting worst, until someday in the future I’m able to get professional treatment. The good thing is that by experimenting on myself and keep surfing the net for answers, at least I get to learn a lot about the human body, the human mind, and to think about what to do to be myself without hurting anybody.

I’ll keep you posted in what is happening, and how things are evolving (or revolving, LOL)

Kisses

Angel

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