Since I was with my brother from the time he was a child, all his life, from which he has his memories, I too have my own memories of a life and growing up, to the point I am today. There are differences in the way we perceived and remember our lives. Some of the feelings are the same and some others are different. One of the memories we both have is this one, which have an incidence in both of us, yet the feeling is different since I am a woman and my brother a man. So seeing this memory from my perspective, this is what happened.
I never knew for what reason, but since being a very small child I was always intrigued about Japan. In the times when libraries were the only way to get information (70’s in South America), I couldn’t get much. But my fascination with Japan was always there. At the other hand, I’ve been always afraid of giant walls falling over me. I used to have fever attacks when a child, and most of the times I had hallucinations, and I always had the same two; either a giant wall of water was falling over me, or it was a giant circus tent the one falling over me; in neither case I could escape. I knew I could run, but there would be no point since I knew I would be crashed by the giant tent or the giant wall anyway. The feelings of being so powerless at that moment, completely surrounded and deprived of vision and breathing until I die, no matter how much I kick and try to escape, it simply terrified me!
I was always so terrified of not being able to see and breath, to the point I’ve never been able to learn to swim! As soon as my eyes, nose and mouth get under water, my heart starts racing! I’ve even tried filling the lavatory with water and putting my face in it, and again, as soon as I feel I can’t see because my eyes get covered by water, and can’t breath, because my nose and mouth get under water, my heart jumps to a 1000 MPH!!
Also, I’ve always wanted to travel and see places; that’s why I bought a motorhome and being restoring VW Campers from the 70’s and 80’s; I love the concept of a motorhome or camper to travel, but not much interested in going by ship or airplane, even if the destinations are of my interest.
Then, these feelings of being a woman when I was born in a male body, yet the refusal to give control to a man as a couple. The desire to be independent and protect my freedom no matter what. I might feel as a woman, I might like to be the one being taken and penetrated in bed, but outside the bedroom I am your equal, and if you don’t like it, I’ll just go and never come back!
Because of these things I came to the conclusion I must have been a Japanese Woman in the past, like in the 1700’s or 1800’s. Probably living in a small village by the ocean. She must have spent a lot of time walking by the ocean, dreaming of traveling and seeing places, in a time when travel to new and exotic places was done by ship only, as there was no other way by then. Then, in the past Japanese women were considered very second to men, and they had to obey and be of service to their husbands, which must have been very frustrating to women. Maybe this, assuming she was married, could have been the reason why she wanted to travel far away, not only to satisfy her curiosity about other places, but also to escape a life of oppression and violence, and find new opportunities. Like a second lease in life!
Probably she walked a lot by the beach dreaming of traveling and freedom, when a tsunami came, destroyed the village and killed her in the process. So being me that Japanese woman, I fear walls of water since I died by one of them, being crashed, surrounded and held until I died by drowning, no matter how much I fought. So my hallucinations as a child and my irrational fear to being under water without the possibility to see and breath. And I know the problem is, not being able to see and breath, because I tried in a reservoir using goggles and a snorkel, and even though my heart was racing when submersing my face under water, just by being able to see and breath while underwater I was able to calm down myself after a couple of minutes, to the point of even trying swimming as a frog for a moment! So I know, if it is with scuba diving equipment, I can have fun under water, but without aids to protect my vision and breathing, I just can’t!
Everything fits. My extreme curiosity of visiting Japan (since I was Japanese), My desire to be a woman even if I was born in a male body (since I was a woman), my desire for freedom and independence (since Japanese women had it very difficult in the past), and for the same reason, when the dictatorship took my country, and by seeing the abuse of men in uniform just because they had guns, I guess for me it wasn’t just about going away for freedom, but I developed a rejection to military and guns; I can’t stand the abuse of the given power, like a soldier in the dictatorship, or a Japanese man to women in the past! I feel as a woman, but a very feminist one! LOL
Then, my fascination with motorhomes and campers, as they can travel places over solid ground, rather than by water or air, where it doesn’t make any difference if it is a ship or a plane, either way you are trapped no matter what, until you die, and there is nothing you can do since you don’t have control over the machines and the environments (you die if the ship sinks in the ocean or if the plane falls from the sky), while in a car or motorhome you have control and can anticipate and prevent; much of your safety is in your hands, not somebody else’s hands; and the environment is not so unforgiving as the open ocean or the air from a 10,000 ft altitude! It’s about feeling of having control over one’s life!
And that Japanese woman probably spent a lot of time walking by the beach, dreaming of traveling to a far away exotic land, where she could get a second lease in life with freedom to be. The funny part is that I traveled to the US in search of freedom from the dictatorship, and got to see an exotic land myself, and had an opportunity for a better life! That Japanese woman did get her dream after all, even if it was a couple of hundred years later after she died!! I cry every time I think of this!!
Oh, and I don’t know how it happened since I wasn’t trying to get that result. Because of the clothes I was wearing, I thought of a picture of a Country Style Woman, but instead I ended up with a picture of a Japanese Girl!! LOL
So many things, isn’t it? I am not saying this is how it is and how this happened, but I believe at least it grants a second thought, don’t you think?