Archive | November 2015

Happy Spirit

387   2015-11-30  102  01 Psychology and Mind                  Happy Spirit (1)

 

I love Angel’s spirit!!

I love how she is adventurous; daring; ready to explore and live life to the fullest!! She is so happy when naked in nature, feeling part of physical life and all the wonderful things it has to offer, and that Angel wants to explore and enjoy.

She has been experiencing physical life for just such a short amount of time, yet she has done so much already, going out hiking, kayaking, night clubs, and even getting a lover, after trying with several men before! She really has been using her short amount of time in physical life to the fullest!

That brings me to the problem of having to find a solution to our situation of she really needing the body full time (which I believe she deserves), and me finishing my physical life without hurting anybody, to later retrieve to our brain, to continue my life as an ethereal being inside then her physical body.

It has become a matter of thinking about the way to tell, get out of the closet if you will, and then let Angel to have the body to do her life.

 

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Right now there are other problems to solve anyway, so to prepare the moment to tell; logistic problems really, more than the words used to tell. A place to live and the income necessary to survive, while Angel keeps practicing voice and other things that will allow her to take the body and live as a woman among people.

Most probably it will be a couple of years before those problems are solved, and the situation arrives when it’ll be possible to tell, and get Angel’s full time life started.

For now, it is mostly about working in those problems, and the near future will say if the switching can be possible, or if we will have to think all over again, and find a different kind of solution.

You know how it is; we wish, we plan, we try, but at the end is the situations what really dictates what is to be done, and where we will end up.

Hugs

Angel’s brother

(Owner of the body and Angel’s twin brother in our Two Spirit duality)

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Catch 22

386   2015-11-27  101  01 Psychology and Mind                  Catch 22 (1)

 

Sometimes I feel like Angel, the female spirit in me, has a short life ahead to live.

It is not that I don’t want her to be here (in physical life), by the opposite; but society is such a bitch when it comes to accept people that don’t fit the pre established roles.

Having already formed a life as a man, with a marriage, children, work, neighbors, friends, etc, it is very difficult to bring out of the blue a new identity that is not mine, and is not even male!

At the other hand, all the “preparations” that Angel requires to be her, like shaving the whole body, using make up to cover up the beard, etc, makes it even more difficult to be a man one hour and a woman the next. So far the shortest time between one and the other that we have been able to get is being one in the morning and the other in the afternoon, but that implies running like crazy to make it happen!

I’ve thought of divorce and living alone, which could give me the amount of time needed to be me, the man, for a couple of days, and then Angel for the rest of the week, but divorce seems to be very difficult without creating a mess in family’s feelings.

The thing is, if giving Angel the opportunity to experience physical life is such a problem, overtime it will only get worst, meaning that most probably there will be the moment when I’ll have to make a decision and don’t let Angel use the body anymore, to then get rid of all her clothes, make up and stuff, and just keep her in the brain, to live for the rest of our lives as me, a man.

 

386   2015-11-27  101  01 Psychology and Mind                  Catch 22 (2)

 

And then there is the other problem about Angel and her inner feelings. Angel wants to experience sweet sex with a man, and for the same reason she wants to be attractive as a woman, and I mean sexually attractive! So just looking as a woman, but just an old woman, simply doesn’t cut it. It has to be an attractive woman!

I do know, for that reason I have to loose weight so to shape my belly as a small one, while trying to get thicker legs and a round, hard butt. Those elements are among the ones that I could have some control by right feeding and exercising.

But then there are the others, like having a wider shoulder area for a woman, and that I cannot change. Also the breasts that are too small for a woman, and even though I could use hormones and even implants, I cannot do it because of having to live as a man.

So the changes are limited, and the results are not going to be very satisfactory. She could end up looking as a woman, but mostly an old one that is not very attractive, especially sexually. In other words, if she cannot have the body full time, 24/7, she cannot transform it into an attractive female one, while at the same time I will have to live as a man hiding “man boobs” that, even though for her would be too small, for me they still will be too big!

 

386   2015-11-27  101  01 Psychology and Mind                  Catch 22 (3)

 

So I get to think what would be the point, other that being naked alone in the outdoors, for Angel dreaming of how it could be if, when sending pictures to men, they tell her nice things that she can always doubt the veracity of their words and feelings, but never really being one or the other…Angel or me.

That brings me to the point of thinking of the possibility of finishing the time for Angel in physical life, and think of it as just an opportunity I gave her to experience physical life for a brief moment (two years), rather than giving her the body permanently, and me retrieve inside the brain to occupy the place she had for so many years, while I was doing my life in the physical plane.

Complex situation to solve, yet also the possibility to strain the brain in search for an answer that would be satisfactory for both of us. She wants to live full time as a woman; I want to give her the body for her to be a woman 24/7, but I have a formed life that I cannot dissolve just like that, without hurting feelings of people who has no participation in our (Angel and me) being a Two Spirit person.

Complex, exciting and intriguing problem to solve, don’t you think?

Hugs

Angel’s brother

(Owner of the body and Angel’s twin brother in our Two Spirit duality)

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In the Shadows

385   2015-11-25  100  01 Psychology and Mind                  In the Shadows (1)

 

I’ve been walking in the shadows for so long!

I started using women clothes to reflect my inner self around June, 2013. With my heart going full speed when shopping for female clothes while dressing as a man, I acquired my first things to try at home, hiding from everybody else.

Keeping everything in a closet, hoping nobody would find it, I waited until nobody was at the house, so I could try the clothes and experiment with the inner feelings coming out to control my body movements. That was such an awesome experience!!

Then renting my own place, where I could store stuff and work on vehicles, at the same time that it would be the place where I could be myself, without worries of someone showing up unexpectedly.

With lots of shyness at first, I started to take pictures for my blog, dressing as what seemed to me a reflection of a woman.

 

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Believe it or not, I feel more confident of showing my pictures when I am naked, rather than when I am with women clothes!! I guess that’s because when in women clothes, I get the feeling that it should clearly reflect a woman, or it’ll become nothing more that a weird creature that cannot be considered either male or female!! At least when naked, and due to having a cock, it will clearly show a man. I would definitely prefer to be seen as a woman when naked, but that is exactly the challenge of a Transsexual Woman…be seen and considered a woman when herself, with nothing else to aid on that; otherwise it’ll be like just creating an illusion with clothes, but still feeling like hiding the truth under fabric.

You see, my concept is that, in order to dress as a woman and be seen and considered a woman, I must first transform my naked body into at least a female-like body. Only then I’ll be able to put on women clothes and not just be seen as a woman, but feel as a woman as well.

So even though I’ve taken some pictures where I believe I reflect a woman with the clothes worn at that moment, I still prefer to consider myself a “work in progress”, rather than a “finished product”. as some of those pictures might show.

 

385   2015-11-25  100  01 Psychology and Mind                  In the Shadows (3)

 

It’ll take time, and still have the problem of “Being in the closet” when it comes to family, so I definitely need to address that situation first, to then become free to do the changes necessary to freely transform my body into a female one. Not that I can come out of the closet at this time in life, mostly due to the fear of loosing my loved ones, but I do need to find a way to tell, without hurting their feelings. I believe we all have the right to be ourselves, but not at the cost of destroying other people’s lives.

Kisses

Angel

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Playing with Fire

384   2015-11-23    99  01 Plsychology and Mind                 Playing With Fire (1)

 

Sometimes I amaze myself!!

No, I am not brilliant, I just play with fire!!

If you consider that I am doing the laser treatment to remove all the hair in my entire body (except the genitals and the head). That I am slowly collecting women clothes in a wardrobe in my place. That I have that wardrobe with clothes, make up, wigs, and several toys and lube to practice and learn to be penetrated, so I can have sex with a man, being me the woman.

That I try to save time to practice with my vocal cords to find my female voice, so I can talk and sound as a woman. That I practice (when I can) using high heels shoes and female clothes, so to carry myself and those clothes in a feminine way, so I can go out and be a woman among people.

That in the past I’ve dated men, and even though there was no sex at that time, still we were naked in bed and I was the woman for them. And nowadays I have a lover with whom we meet regularly and have sex together, now being penetrated by him, so I am his woman in bed.

That I’ve been in public places like parks and streets, and even stores, dressing as a woman and being a woman while feeling as a woman inside. And also I’ve been in the outdoors and public places like parks while being completely naked, just wearing my wig and some make up, so to feel and be a woman that wants to be sexually attractive to men, while enjoying nudity as a mean by itself.

In other words, I’ve been living intermittently as a woman, while transforming my body, gestures and manners to female, so to be a complete and desirable woman.

 

384   2015-11-23    99  01 Plsychology and Mind                 Playing With Fire (2)

 

Yet legally I am a man and live as a man. A married man who has a wife and son, and they have no idea about the woman inside called Angel, and all the physical transformation that is happening right now and for some time already.

I live and exist in physical life, yet I am a secret in the life of a married man!!

Duality

They see a family man who is dedicated to improve their way of life, and is there when they need him. They don’t know about me, Angel, the woman that is little by little taking control of the body of that man, and transforming it into a female body, while also creating the mind recordings to make that body automatically act as a woman when talking, walking, doing things, etc.

They don’t know about me…I am a secret!!

That man is playing with fire!!

He is trying to give me life by giving me his body, so the spirit I am can live physical life on my own. But that means he is loosing his body, and with it his own life, and all this transformation is happening in secret, in front of his family, friends and neighbors. Nobody knows about me!!

Isn’t that playing with fire?

 

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The feeling that this whole secret will blow like a bomb at any time is always there!! And then there will be tears and bad feelings!!

But how does that man (my brother) tell the secret without hurting his family? Just go there and say; “Oh, by the way, there is a woman in my brain together with me, an I am giving her my body so she can live physical life” How he can convince them that he is not Gay or a Transsexual, but a straight man who just happen to have also a woman living in his brain. How can he convince them that once the woman inside his brain (me) takes over the body and starts living physical life as the woman she is, the man will still remain inside her brain, living then in ethereal life?

How long a secret like this can be kept?! How long before something occurs and they discover what is been happening all this time? How much will it hurt them?!!

For more than two years now!! Living half of the time as a man in the life he had since his beginning, and then living the other half of the time as a woman, going out, dating a man, having sex with him while being a woman; being naked in nature, taking nudity pictures as a woman and publishing them in the internet in this site and another two (Outpersonals and TSMeet). How long such a secret can be kept?!!

 

384   2015-11-23    99  01 Plsychology and Mind                 Playing With Fire (4)

 

Playing with fire. I want to live physical life as the woman I am, but I understand my brother is taking so many risks in his own life, and he is living at the edge of loosing everything that matters to him, just to help me live.

Many times I’ve thought I shouldn’t be so selfish and just remain inside my brother’s brain, so he can have his life back. But that would mean renouncing to live in physical life…something I want so much!!

Being Aspies my brother and me, logic indicates I should go back to live inside his brain, and let him have his body full time, as the way he was born and lived so far, especially considering that now in his life there are also other people who unknowingly become involved in this situation. Physical changes done so far still would allow him to be a man in a male body, so the time is now to forget about me going into physical life, before it becomes too late for him, and his family!!

Angel

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Flowers

383   2015-11-21    43  05 Dates and Encounters                Flowers

 

I’ve been offered flowers several times by different men. They have asked me in hidden ways and in open conversation what kind I like, so they can bring me the ones I prefer, in the way it is traditionally done by men wanting to impress or give a sweet gesture to a woman.

I like flowers, yes, but although I like a bouquet, I’m happier with just a single little flower that can be hold between two fingers!

Personally I find it more seductive and lovely. The reason for that is, to me, bringing just one single little flowers is like when two very young, almost children, fall in love. To me that single little flower reflects a feeling from the heart, rather than a traditional courting way among experienced adults.

One single flower feels to me like a spontaneous gesture of love, rather than the following of courting steps. A big bouquet of flowers makes me feel like they are trying to show their “amount” of love in proportion to the size of the bouquet! I know, most women don’t see it that way, but I am an Aspie woman, so I tend to see things in a more logical and mechanical way. LOL

So while for most women it is important the size of the bouquet, for me it is better just a single little flower that can be easily held between two fingers. That non-traditional gesture among adults that is more something for young children, can really makes me feel loved, and definitely gives “points” to the guy trying to impress.

Kisses

Angel

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