Archive | October 2015

Who is to Tell?

377   2015-10-29    83  02 Physical Changes                        Who Is to Tell

 

I found this one in the net, and thought it is so true!! (Up to some point, of course).

I should confess of having, maybe too strong and too often, the fear of being judged in a negative way my “veracity” of being a woman. In simple words; I’ve been afraid of “not to pass”, and the possible negative reactions people might have. Yet now, in part because of reading the quote above, but mostly because of all the advice given to me by Darling_Annette at TSMeet, I can feel now that it really doesn’t matter, as long as I don’t push it to much.

When I say not to push it too much, I mean things like dressing as a woman with a skirt and high heels, yet having a male voice.

The thing is, it seems one way (for me) to make things easier, is to “transfer” to them, the others around, the “responsibility” of “telling” out loud I am a man in woman clothes (in their concepts) rather than a genetic woman.

Like I mentioned, if I dress a skirt, high heels, and accessories like necklace, earrings, etc. I am saying with my clothes I am a woman, yet they can discover I am not a genetic woman, so in that case it is like I am lying…like I am pretending to be a woman, while I am not, so I am the one telling the lie

At the other hand, if I wear a pair of jeans, tennis shoes,T shirt and no accessories, then I am not trying to pass as a woman, it is them who believe so, and this means they are fooling themselves!! I am not pretending anything else, so it is them telling the lie to themselves…not me.

What this “transfer of responsibility” does is, I can feel better myself while going out and about as a woman, and not be nervous all the time.

I know it sound crazy and like I am trying to avoid the responsibility of being a woman when out there, but for me it seems like a nice “intermediate” step that I can use to be out there without feeling scared, and with it, feeling even more motivated to jump into the waters and get started!!

I’ll do that!!

Kisses

Angel

.

Cocks to Play

376   2015-10-26    95  01 Psychology and Mind                  Cocks to play

 

I consider myself a TS and a Tgirl at this point. A Transsexual because I am “in between” being a man and a woman, while trying to switch to be a woman. And a Tgirl in the sense of being a woman with a cock; meaning by that, I feel as a woman, yet I have a cock, which doesn’t pertain to my female feelings.

Because of this, of having a cock, I don’t like a man playing with it when we are having sex. To me my cock is the wrong part, and so I prefer he doesn’t even touch it!! Especially when there is the rest of the body to play with!!

Also, I don’t like second names for my cock, like “Man’s Clit”!! It is not a clit…it is a cock, so by being the wrong part, I prefer nobody touch it when having sexual games in bed.

For what I’ve seen so far in TSMeet; many girls don’t want their cocks to be played with, and it seems for the same reasons I have; they feel as women in the wrong body, with the wrong genitals. Yet there are other Tgirls who like their cocks to be played with, and even more, they like to use them to fuck the man, or another Tgirl!

I don’t know if they feel like they are women, and simply accept the fact they have a cock instead of a pussy, and so just use it as it is supposed, or if they feel as a man, and the female part is just a “spice” to their sexual games.

At least in my concepts and for what I can see, the most important part in a man’s sexuality is his cock; he likes to play with it; he likes someone to play with it; he gets most of his sexual pleasure from using his cock, and even his self esteem is closely related to his cock, more than anything else; contrary to a woman, when playing with her pussy is the last part of a sexual game, and her biggest sexual pleasures come from a man playing with her breasts and butt, and adoring her whole body, while the shape of her body is what gave her the most self assurance (and the opposite if her body is not what is considered attractive in a woman).

Funny when you think that most of us grew up thinking there were only two sexes, man and woman, or better said, male and female, and yet now we can see there is such an infinite range of possibilities that can be obtained from the different combinations of sex genre and feelings had.

At one hand it is nice to have so many possibilities from which to choose from; but at the other, it makes so confusing some times to create our own self classification.

Kisses

Angel

.

Words of Love

375   2015-10-22    94  01 Psychology and Mind                  Words of Love (1)

 

If words can tell, please allow me to say.

I am a good spirit. I care about others and want them to be happy with themselves and their lives. Many times my words to them don’t mean anything personal to me, or my feelings are not towards the person I’m taking to; but still, I want to say things that will make them happy.

Yes, I lie. I say things sometimes I don’t believe myself; or words that mean nothing to me; but my intention is not to communicate my personal feelings, but rather give the other person feelings of happiness.

I want to make them happy!

The same happens when having sex with someone. I kiss more with my heart than my lips. I move and smile, letting my body be controlled by my mind generated feelings of love for the one I am trying to make happy. I personally may not feel love for that person, but I generate in my mind feelings of deep love for the one I am with, and let my body be flooded with those feelings, so my body moves and do, controlled for those generated feelings of love.

Artificially I temporary become deeply in love with the person I am with, so I can give love to that person, to make him/her feel there is someone who is deeply in love with them, so they don’t feel as lonely spirits desperate for another to connect with them. They can feel they are deeply loved, so they can feel happiness.

Yes, I lie. I pretend I deeply love them from my heart and my mind, so they can experience being loved. So they can feel they are not alone. So they can feel happiness.

I am a good spirit, please allow me to say. At the risk of being consider arrogant, I say what I believe about me.

I am an imperfect spirit. I have many defects as an ethereal being, and many mistakes as a physical one. My body is male when I am a female in my mind and heart. My body, with my movements, voice and gestures, is the wrong one; but if you could see beyond my body, to experience my spirit, you would see the imperfect woman I am, and also the good feelings I have.

 

375   2015-10-22    94  01 Psychology and Mind                  Words of Love (2)

 

I know I am an imperfect spirit and an imperfect physical creature, but I also know that, by having true intentions of make people happy, I am a good spirit still.

When having sex, my body cannot responds to the needs of the moment. There is extreme sensitivity and pain; and I cannot be penetrated easily; and when I am penetrated, there are no pleasure sensors inside me, so I don’t experience pleasure when being penetrated. There are so many things other bodies can do that mine cannot, because of the personal physical limitations, extreme sensitivity and pain, so instead I generate the feelings of deep love in my mind, to communicate them through my body and my doing.

If you want to have sex with me, you will have a very limited response and capabilities from my body, which destroys the intentions of pure sex for the sake of only physical pleasure. But if you are open to receive feelings, you will perceive my irradiation of love for you, which I believe is the best part of me, and what I can do better.

So you don’t have sex with me to experience pure physical pleasure, because honestly, I cannot deliver to the levels you would want. You have sex with me to perceive and experience the irradiation of being deeply in love with you; the feelings in your mind of being deeply loved by someone; the care and the tenderness that comes when two spirits connect at an ethereal level. You have sex with me not for the physical pleasure, but for the pleasure in your mind. For the happiness your spirit, you, can enjoy.

I am an imperfect creature, controlled by an imperfect spirit; but I am a good spirit; and that’s what you can experience with me. I’ll make you feel you are deeply loved; because I want to make you happy. I might not be able to make you satisfied in your physical body, but I can make you happy in your heart.

Because I am a good spirit!!

Kisses

Angel

.

Unrest

374   2015-10-19    93  01 Psychology and Mind                  Unrest

 

Sometimes it becomes so difficult to feel at peace inside!!

While searching for some sexy swimsuit in the internet, I found this picture. The model is just perfect!! No flaws in the skin and/or the face. Clearly (as you can see) the picture was touched up to make the model look great, and so with it, make the product (swimsuit in this case) look a lot more desirable.

We, as women, want to have a perfect, very sexy and attractive body, like the model in the picture, so unconsciously we associate the beauty of the model with the swimsuit, and desire to buy it because unconsciously we think we will look like her.

That is fine to a point. But the problem is that we, with our real bodies, will never be able to compete with the touched up picture of a still beautiful model, so it is very easy to feel frustrated with our own, real bodies.

Because of this, for someone like me, who is trying to change a male body to female, and in the process trying to make it look beautiful and desirable, the results we search for become so far distant and untouchable. We will never have a beauty, not even close to the model in the picture!!

With this, and even though we understand it is just a touched up picture and the model is not this beautiful as she appears, at a conscious level we understand and can feel at peace with what we have, but still the feelings of unrest remain at an unconscious level.

Damn publicity that plays with our unconscious!! But I can’t deny human psychology applied to publicity is fascinating!! LOL

Kisses

Angel

.

Two Spirits

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

In my profile in TSMeet I try to specify that I am really A Two Spirits person, rather than a Transsexual Woman. I am a Transsexual Woman more by consequence than by fact.

Let me explain you how this whole thing works.

Usually it is expected a Masculine Spirit to occupy a Male Body, conforming that way a Man. At the other hand, it is expected a Feminine Spirit to occupy a Female Body, conforming that way a Woman. But sometimes a Masculine Spirit takes a Female Body, conforming that way a Transsexual Man; a Man in a woman’s body, and the same can happen the other way around, where a Feminine Spirit occupies a Male Body, becoming then a Transsexual Woman, a Woman in a man’s body.

But sometimes it can also happen that two Spirits come to occupy one body, becoming then a Two Spirits person. This is nothing new, as American Indians noticed this happening among their own, and they called them a Two Spirits person. It is from American Indians that this classification and concept of a Two Spirits person was taken for use nowadays.

I am a Two Spirit person. Or I should better say, “we” are a Two Spirit person. My brother, who is a Masculine Spirit, and I, who am a Feminine Spirit. We both occupy my brother’s body, which is a Male Body.

 

373   2015-10-15    92  01 Psychology and Mind                  Two Spirits (2)

 

In this way, My brother is a straight man who likes women. He has a male body, and so everything is according to what society and people expect. The problem is that I too exist in the same body, or better said, we both, my brother and I, occupy the same physical brain of his Male Body.

Normally, and for more than 40 years in his life, just my brother’s Spirit had control over the body, so he was a normal man who lived as a man and liked women. He formed a family and had a child. Everything was fine and “correct” until, at around the age of 45, he started to feel that something wasn’t quite right in his brain. No, he wasn’t crazy! He discovered my existence. He realized that another spirit was also occupying his own brain!

After perceiving feelings, tastes, desires and reactions that were not of his own, and even more, in many ways opposite of those of his own, he came to realize there was also a Feminine Spirit in his brain. With time analyzing and revisiting his memories of childhood, younger years and adulthood, he came to realize a woman was always there, somehow pushing those feelings, tastes desires and reactions into his own, conforming this way a very different man of what he normally was!

Just a couple of years ago my brother decided to give me the opportunity to experience physical life, so allowed me to take control of the body and go out for a walk in a park, so I could perceive physical life in my own (borrowed) body. By that time I took his body still with the look of a man in the outside, and just my Spirit of a Woman in the brain.

 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

But many circumstances pushed my brother to consider the possibility of giving me permanently his body, and so I could live physical life 24/7, while he would go to occupy my place in the brain, existing in a “spiritual”form inside the body. Basically switching places in the brain.

Then the problem for me of being a Feminine Spirit in a Male Body, which turned me into a Transsexual Woman, since the body I would be occupying was a Male one.

For this reason, my brother decided to let me “adapt” his Male body into a more female form, for which I started to shave the whole body (as you can see in the pictures, my brother’s body used to be extremely hairy!), and later go ahead and do more changes, like reducing the size of the eyebrows, start with laser hair removal in the whole body and face, and letting the body be transformed into a more female form, probably in part because of my personal extreme desire of having a true female body.

 

373   2015-10-15    92  01 Psychology and Mind                  Two Spirits (4)

 

As you can see, there has been a big change in shape and look in the past couple of years. From my brother’s hairy body with a flat chest, to my actual body without hair, some developing breasts and a shrinking cock!!

Nowadays I have a more female form, although there is still a lot of work to do to reach a “decent” female look. But I’ve been working on that, and hope in a couple of years be able to reach a point where my now mine body would be accepted as a female one in society.

So you see, we are a Two Spirit person, but by taking full and permanent control of the body, I become a Transsexual Woman; a Feminine Spirit in a Male Body; a Woman in the wrong body!!

I hope this clarify a bit this concept.

Kisses

Angel

.