Archive | April 2014

GIC Meeting

181   2014-04-30    35   04 Trips and Adventures                   GIC Meeting (1)


Yesterday I went to a meeting of GIC (Gender Identity Center) at 7pm. I didn’t know, but it was a transition group in a sort of therapy meeting; but they accepted anyone who wanted to be there.

At the moment of arriving we were asked to write down in a sort of assistance list our names, and a topic we wanted to be addressed during the meet. I used my real name as a man and didn’t write any topic; I just wanted to observe and learn.

It was a group of nine people (including me) and three therapists, and only two of us were dressing as men; all the others were dressing as women. I didn’t say much, but mostly spent the time listening and observing: How they talk; their voices; their look; what they were wearing; their gestures, etc. I learned a lot in two hours between images and words.

For instance, I learned that most of the people there except for one were young, in their 20’s to 30’s; They dressed very simple, street like, mostly with tight jeans, a sweater and closed low heel shoes. Their make up was very basic, so they weren’t really passable, and they used their male voices.




It surprised me when they were talking about other people’s reaction when seeing them and interacting with them. They mentioned the difficulties of other to understand and accept they were transsexuals, but they didn’t look and have a female voice.

I thought it was necessary to create a very good impression of a woman in order to be accepted as such, so when seeing and hearing them I wasn’t surprised they had problems with other people. It took me a while to realize I was thinking in terms of men and women with nothing in between, while they identify themselves as a third gender, which would be a gender in between. I realized I was holding old concepts!

It also made me think of who I really am and where I want to be. According to the COGIATI test I am an Androgynous, which means I am part woman and part man, and I can move between the two, but it is not recommended I do a transition to become a woman. Obviously I cannot make a transition because I’m married and have children, and in fact one of the person assisting to the meeting wanted to address the problem of coming out to his wife, and how not only their marriage was destroyed, but even the friendship was very unlikely to survive. I know the same would happen if I go transition, and since I don’t want to hurt her, I just cannot do it, but I think I will if I was single and without children.


181   2014-04-30    35   04 Trips and Adventures                   GIC Meeting (3)


You see, my male part is attracted to women, by my male parts don’t work anymore, so what would be the point of trying to get in bed with a woman! At the other hand, if I had a pussy instead of a cock, I could go to bed with a man and have something for him; plus, I would be able to dress and live as a woman, which is something that is attracting me more and more!

But I still have the concept that I should look like a real woman and be completely passable, which makes things more difficult for me; I can’t accept just reaching a point in between; I feel I have to go all the way from man to woman! So I guess that could be a good topic to mention.

Next Tuesday they have another meeting, so I’m planning to go dressed as a woman then, and write down a topic to discuss, but I have to think very well how to present it, and how will I respond to any questions they may have. It’ll be a challenge for me, but I saw very good disposition in everyone there, including the three therapists (2 TS and one girl just graduated), so I think it’ll be a good step for me in gaining confidence and being a woman in a situation other than in front of a mirror.

I’ll let you know how the next meeting went.





180   2014-04-28    37   01 Psychology and Mind                    Child (1)


I can’t wait for Tuesday! I feel like a little girl, all excited about the meeting, like if it was a vacation trip to a remote place where I can discover so many amazing things! LOL


180   2014-04-28    37   01 Psychology and Mind                    Child (2)


Weird enough, I’ve discovered that, while as a man I think, feel and act at my age (51); but as a woman, it is more like I’m growing up, and right now I think, feel and act as a 12 years old girl! If it wasn’t for my man part looking out for me, I would get in so much trouble, LOL Maybe that’s why I dress the way I do!


180   2014-04-28    37   01 Psychology and Mind                    Child (3)


At this rate, in a couple of years I should be an adult woman, and maybe then it’ll be unbearable to have a male body, who knows. (What a way to pay myself for taking care of me all these years, don’t you think?)





179   2014-04-25    36   01 Psychology and Mind                   Warehouse (1)


I already published this picture above in the post “Fair Look”. There I mentioned that I like this picture because it shows the general shape of a woman that I could reach in my transformation as Angel, the woman inside (considering my age, 51). But there was something else in this picture that I couldn’t point out at that time…a sad face!

Let me explain.

Yesterday I mentioned I discovered GIC, Gender Identity Center. Well, I didn’t discover it; it was a gurl from Outpersonals with whom we write to each other. She knows the whole “underworld” and enjoys it every Saturday. She has given me lots of tips about clothes and places for crossdressers here in Denver, together with valuable information about our rights.

When she mentioned GIC I decided to take a look, mostly to see if I could find physical friends. What happens is that while being a man I have friends, family, co-workers, etc, in short, I have a whole life, which also makes it so difficult to simply walk away and start a new life as Angel; I cannot just abandon everyone that I care about without considering their feelings, just to pursue mine. But that also means I have people around me, like everybody else.


179   2014-04-25    36   01 Psychology and Mind                   Warehouse (2)


But when being Angel, my other half inside, I have nobody! The warehouse were I go to dress up and take pictures and videos is also the whole world I have, and I’m the only one there. Sure I have a blog in Outpersonals and some people there read it and a few from time to time even make a comment in one of my posts. But it is all “cyber”, so there is no physical connection with anybody else.

Even more, I posted there the same post from here called “Falling” and with the same pictures, and I got only one short comment that illustrates very well what I’m saying: “So beautiful” At one hand I’m happy he found me attractive, but the post was about the lies and real intentions of my lover, rather than trying to look attractive; in other words, the commenter didn’t even read the post but just took a quick look at the pictures and didn’t care about the rest! That’s the kind of relationships you get there, even though most of them talk about friendship first!

When I had hook ups, they have been for sex only, I know, but the men I’ve met with mostly wanted a cock to suck and didn’t worry about the rest of the body and mind that came with that cock. Now I understand the true meaning of Glory Holes! A wall with a human cock to suck and make cum, so there are no worries about anything else than enjoying sucking and cum to swallow!


179   2014-04-25    36   01 Psychology and Mind                   Warehouse (3)


As I mentioned in the post “Falling”, they just want a cock to suck and a hole to fuck. Sure I try to get into those hook ups to have sex, but I am more into sweetness that leads to sex, than hard fucking and sucking with nothing else. And that doesn’t mean I don’t care about friendship.

If I was a Crossdresser (for what I understand a Crossdresser is), I would just want to meet for sex with another man, and then be happy to go back to my man’s life, but I am a woman inside, and I’d like to have a life as a woman, with friends, family and even co-workers, and sex would be just a part of it.

So when I learned about GIC I was very excited for the possibility to find friends to share things with, exchange tips, and maybe even get together for fun other than sex. We’ll see what happens there; I hope things go well and maybe I could find a small island were I can be Angel openly and have a connection with the human world; and maybe the sad face in the first picture will turn into a happy smile.

I’m so tired of dreaming and having to wake up everyday!





178   2014-04-24    34   04 Trips and Adventures                  GIC


I am sooo excited!! Yesterday I went to visit a place called GIC, Gender Identity Center. It is located in Denver in a sort of industrial area surrounding Downtown. They help Crossdressers; Transgenders; Lesbians; Gays, and everyone in between, and of all ages, to learn about themselves and support them to grow, together with helping them with the legal part and protection. They have a very small office with a small library room where people meet weekly for group therapy; self expression, or simply to hang out.

I was so nervous to go there because it was the very first time for me to be openly talking about my female feelings with strangers (other than a hook up for sex), but the people there, a guy with a female look and two girls in their 20’s to 30’s, were very nice and friendly when I was explaining my female feelings and confusion about who I really am. They make it look like we were talking about how much sugar we use when making a cake rather than making faces, so it felt really comfortable for me. Well, comfortable to the point that I dare to tell openly, but inside I was so nervous! In fact, I was so nervous that they told me their names, but I just can’t remember them. That’s fine though, I think I’ll be spending time there, so will have the chance to learn them.

The thing is, they have a meeting every Tuesday night from 7 to 9 pm, in which different people get together to talk about what they feel. It is not group therapy but rather friendly chat among people like me who needs a place to vent. Perfect! I’ll be there next Tuesday!! (And I’ll let you know after that how it went).




A Furred Man

177   2014-04-23    35   01 Psychology and Mind                    A Furred Man (1)


Reading a post in someone else blog in OutPersonals, I realized something very weird. The post was about how the guy liked so much men with lots of fur in their bodies, and he posted a picture of a naked man with lots of body hair. I also liked the man because of his body hair, so made a comment in that blog post.

I know I like men with body hair, especially in their chest. It’s easy for me to imagine running my hands in a furred chest, enjoying all that fur and burying my face in that hair, searching for skin to kiss.

The thing is, I like a man with lots of fur, and I used to have lots of fur myself before I started shaving my whole body. So when making the comment in that blog post I searched for an old picture of me, showing my naked body with fur, and published the picture together with the comment.

And that gave me the idea of writing a post to tell about the weird thing that happened when I was trying to decide which picture of me should I publish.


177   2014-04-23    35   01 Psychology and Mind                    A Furred Man (2)


When looking at my own pictures where I am naked, showing all my body hair, I did remember how much I hated myself at that time for all that fur. But since it was some time ago, and now I am so used to have my whole body shaved, somehow I could see myself as if I was at a distance from the myself in the pictures.

In other words, I know that’s me, but doesn’t feel that is me anymore, and I can see myself in those pictures as if I was someone else, which allows me to look at me and judge the look of that man from an outside point of view.

So the weird thing that happened is that, since I love a man with lots of body hair, I looked at the pictures and really liked that man! I thought to myself: I would really like to make love with that man!

So I discovered that the woman in me feels attracted sexually to the man I am!! If the woman in me could go out of my body and have her own body, she would love to have sex with me!


177   2014-04-23    35   01 Psychology and Mind                    A Furred Man (3)


So who I am really?

Now it seems I am two different people! The hairy man and the woman who likes the hairy man!! Isn’t that weird?

Now, I wouldn’t go back to have all my body hair because I simple hate it. I was even searching for places to get laser to remove permanently my body hair, so I wouldn’t have to shave anymore.

Thinking about that, it seems to me I am sort of abandoning the man I am in favor of becoming more and more the woman I am, and even my mind is going through that change, to the point that today I can see pictures of myself when I used to have all that fur, and see a stranger, and with it, be able to like him or not from the complete perspective of a woman, instead of seeing myself in those pictures.

I am not the furred man in those pictures anymore; I am a woman trying to get a smooth skin, and as such, I would really love to have sex with the man in those pictures!!

Weird, isn’t it?