So my conclusion is that I always was a TS, but because of being raised in a very traditionalist environment, I always thought what I was taught to think…that I was a man and I suppose to desire women only, and any thought of being with another man was a sin, immoral, dirty, and indicated a sick mind that needed psychological attention.
The reason that supports the thought that I’ve always been a TS is that there have been many “little” things throughout my life that seem to indicate I had female feelings from the beginning (Female Characteristics). Also, since I was a child I couldn’t stand the idea of not being considered beautiful (but I kept that a secret from my parents). And by the age of 31 I had a fortuity encounter that changed my way of thinking about being intimate with a man (My First Experience).
Then, when exploring those inner desires in Outpersonals, I had some encounters that sort of confirmed my thoughts that I am really a woman inside a man’s body (The Music Man); (Being a Woman), and then my own thoughts and desires when thinking about sex (An Angel for Someone); (A Man’s Cock); (The Stranger); (Kiss My Ass!) reinforced the concept.
So as you can see, the only conclusion I can reach is that I’ve always been a TS, but because of the environment I was raised in, my mind didn’t accept it at first, until I was “forced” by circumstances that showed me who I really am.
While I was a man thinking that I should like women only, my brain must have been somehow “supporting” the body to be able to “perform” in those situation, while my mind remained closed to the thoughts of homosexuality due to the environment I grew up in. But as soon as my mind switched thoughts to liking men, my brain started to “create” changes to make my body more “appropriate” for the desires being held, while the subconscious fed the mind with the possibility of accepting more openly what was my personal nature.
This process of years (about 20 by now), could be the reason why my body is changing physically and my mind is having completely different thoughts and sexual desires. I know it sounds like Sci Fi, but if you consider that, at one hand modern medicine and psychology don’t have yet all the answers, and at the other there has been an increasing “movement” talking about how the mind can change and shape things, it is not such a crazy concept.
The picture below shows the physical differences in my body in 9 years. The left picture is from December 2005, and the right picture is from February 2014. My doings in this process is the shaving of my body and the involuntary weight gain (about 10 lbs), but the breasts growth and the penis shrinking has happened without me doing anything for that!
We know that a person who has a very low self esteem can have a very “unlucky” life, while his body shows tiredness all the time and his face shows bitterness, but if that same person starts developing a high self esteem, his body will become straight and strong, and his face will show happiness and look younger, while his luck will seem to mysteriously improve. All those physical changes are created by the thoughts in the mind, which in turn changes the way the brain controls the body, and with it, the way the person relates to the surrounding environment, changing with it the response the surrounding environment will return to the person.
So the physical changes that are occurring to my body could be because my mind is accepting and embracing the possibility of being a woman locked in a male body; which means, now I’ve become a woman with a “weird” body that is mix of a little bit of female and useless male body. In other words, if I was born to be a woman in a man’s body, and because I not only embraced the possibility, but have become active in creating physical and psychological changes to transform myself into what I feel inside, the results of that open acceptance and exploration has been leading changes that normally don’t occur to most people who happens to be locked in the wrong body.
For that reason I’ve been seriously thinking to go Sex Change surgery! Sort of to complete the transition to become completely female body, but there are limitations to what can be done. In the next and final post of this series, I’ll explain you what physical changes can be done and the limitations that exist, together with the elements that will never be possible to change.