As I mentioned in the post “Changes So Far”, I did analyze my own behavior throughout the years to see if I had female characteristics in the things I did; and the results kind of shocked me!
A brief list:
-I’ve always been very worried about my look, and what other people might think of my clothes
-I always wanted to be beautiful, even as a man
-Even though I work with machinery, I always took good care of my hands, so they would be smooth (I hate when my hands are rough!)
-Always been worried about wrinkles in my face and my thinning hair
-In bed, sort of instinctually I leaned my head in my wife chest instead of her head in my chest
-I always needed to be hugged and comforted physically
-Always enjoyed being cuddled and kissed
-Always enjoyed feeling a hand in my butt (more than in my cock)
-Always felt sort of afraid of women that they might be better than me, and men too aggressive with me
-I love long foreplay before sex, even if sex is not included as dessert, I mean, foreplay is the most important part for me, leaving the sexual act of penetration as an alternative.
For what I understand, most men prefer hard sex over long and sweet foreplay, and that’s the opposite of what I want.
Although I do have a very rational mind that loves to analyze everything, I also enjoy walking at the park watching birds fly and feeling the breeze and the sun like in a poetic way.
In contrast, I’m not really into romantic music or movies, but rather prefer symphonic rock that let me fly to strange places, and Sci Fi that let me think and analyze (think of Tangerine Dream and 2001: A Space Odyssey)
Also I do get aroused when watching a beautiful naked woman, and feel the desire of making love to her (but not necessarily hard fucking her).
So I guess my thoughts of being two people in one body are correct: A straight man that likes women, and a straight woman that likes men, and not a man who likes men, that now turns into crossdressing. Definitely I’m not Gay! I have nothing against Gay guys (I’ve met several in my life and they are very nice people), but is just not what I feel.
What a complication!
If I was a TS I could think of sexual reassignment surgery and change my life completely, and if I was just enjoying the thrill of dressing as a woman I could just forget about it at some point and remain as a man; but being two people in one I have to reach a point where my body can be used to be a man to be with a woman, and to be used as a woman to be with a man, which will leave me only half way in both cases (A man with breasts and a woman with a cock; or a man with a lean body and a woman with a cock and without breasts) (Sigh!).
So in short, after analyzing my behavior in my previous years, I can conclude that yes, I am a straight man who has a straight woman inside.