Since I’m still not confident with my female look, I was really nervous when driving to downtown Denver the other day. Almost at every red light I took a second to verify the position of my wig, the beard coverage and the make up in general while looking at the sun cover mirror.
At one hand it gave me a relief that it was night and cold, so I shouldn’t be too notorious, and could use a big coat to cover up mostly the different size between my shoulders and my hips, which I believe is one of the first things that gives away my gender.
At the other hand, I still don’t own winter female clothes, which meant I had to use male clothes for the trip. Wearing regular jeans and a black coat, I added a pair of light brown boots and a cap to hold my wig from moving, which also helped to slightly cover the forehead, so to reduce the amount of face to be seen. So basically looking like a man with long hair I ventured through 16th Street, walking as much as possible as a woman and casually looking at something else when somebody looked at me; somehow waiting to hear the laughter of others while pointing their fingers!
It went well and nobody paid any attention to me, which was such a relief! Also had the chance to look around and see the curvy young girls wearing tight clothes and even minis, challenging the 25 degrees Fahrenheit just to look sexy. I could feel envy of those female young bodies, but also agreed with their clothes since, if I was a beautiful woman like them, I know I would also wear very little clothes just to look sexy among the polar bears.
But the interesting parts from the psychological analysis throughout this process were that, at one hand I felt so obvious as a man in women clothes, even though nobody paid any attention to me, and the other was that I felt fear of being attacked! Let me explain.
Although inside I felt as a woman, I also felt that it was obvious I wasn’t; so it gave me the feeling of such a long road still to travel in order to really feel as a woman in the outside for others to recognize as such, and allow me to feel really free as a female among people.
Yet, when walking alone the empty streets going back to my parked car outside the visited area, I felt so vulnerable to an attack from a man to a defenseless woman walking alone. I knew it was a stupid fear because, even though I felt as a woman, I’m still a man that can physically fight to protect himself from an attacker. Maybe I wouldn’t win the fight, but the attacker will remember the beating from my part for a long time (Since I have the body of a man, I know what parts in a man hurt the most when hit!).
So my intentions to get in between people to feel as a woman among them, and the plan to enter a store and later a bar to have a drink, quickly dissolved by the fears I just couldn’t shake off. So the walk back to my car was a little sad and frustrating by having accomplished almost nothing of what my original intentions were. And even the picture of me I took using the timer in the camera didn’t go well and only got a blurry image!
But at the other hand it was satisfying to have my first outing as a woman, which calls for new attempts with its corresponding psychological observations in order to learn more about my hidden feelings, and the process of transformation from male to female.
Next post I’ll show you some pictures and tell you about what happened when back at my place to try a video session for material to post.