At the beginning it was about bringing out to physical life the woman inside the man. About giving her the opportunity to experience and enjoy life, and even enjoy sex with a man. But after a couple of months the mind of the man has started to change and different kind of feelings seem to flourish from within.
Once was about being able to go out and walk a city street wearing women clothes and enjoying the sun and the breeze in the face, and the view around of people going by in their everyday lives. Enjoying being a woman just being alive!
But little by little that simple desire has been turned into a desperate need of being a woman; in being naked and really look like a woman (and a desirable one), and also the strong impulse of having sex with a man that would see me as a real woman and not “the best of both world”.
There have been dreams at night like “Strange Dreams”, and there has been also a sort of flashing thoughts about divorce; laser; surgery for sex re-assignment, etc. It’s like if the original plan of just letting the woman out sporadically slowly keeps turning into changing sex and life to live as a full time woman at some point. Like if the woman inside is quickly taking over to control the body, expelling from it the man who owns it!
The fact of having ordered that latex vagina to “hide” my cock and have another element that would help me in looking like a real woman when naked, and the fact also that little by little I like more and more my boobs, seem to me indicate that there is a hidden desire of truly becoming a woman full time, rather than one just part time now and then.
What at the beginning seemed to be the self-challenge of trying crossdressing, first turned into realizing more than a crossdresser I am a Transgender, and now the doubt arises if I am really a Transsexual!
In case somebody doesn’t know the difference, here is a brief explanation:
Crossdresser: Also known as Transvestite is the man who feels like a man and wouldn’t change sex and life, but sporadically enjoys dressing as a woman for fun and the thrill of even dating another man for a one night out from time to time.
Transgender: Is a man who feels like a man, but sporadically has feelings of a woman and becomes attracted to men. He usually lives as a man and is not interested in changing sex and life, and enjoys his female part by crossdressing and dating other men from time to time.
Transsexual: Is a born man (or woman) that has the mind of a woman (or man), so lives in the wrong body from the beginning of his/her life. Usually it is a struggle until the person realizes his/her situation and decide to get sex-changing surgery, and with the use of the appropriate hormones, treatments and throughout a long process, becomes the true person he/she suppose to be, and that is of the opposite sex he/she was born.
At first, by letting the woman out, I thought I was being an occasional Crossdresser; then, by the arising feelings from within, I “realized” I really was a Transgender; but now, after analyzing the dreams; flash thoughts and my own behavior in what I am doing; the stuff I’m buying and the look I desire to obtain, I began to believe that maybe I am a Transsexual.
Then the problem of, is it really that, or just a spontaneous feeling? Am I really a transsexual and never knew it until the hidden desires pushed me to explore those feelings, and with it created the opportunity for the subconscious mind to flourish my real self? I don’t know.
The thing is, it seems I will have to pay more attention to the many little details that conform this whole process of “part time” transformation, and see if really it’s just a sporadic feeling that is only a small percentage of my mind, or if the process has uncovered something deeper than I thought at first.
I’ll keep analyzing the whole thing and will tell you in future posts what I’ve discovered.