I’ve received several emails through the Contact Form from people reading this blog that want me to explain a little more that 80 percent man / 20 percent woman concept. They say they have the concept that a man who likes men and/or wants to be a woman (even if is part time) has to be gay, and cannot get the idea of a man who is a straight man, but sometimes he becomes a straight woman. I can understand it is a little weird and difficult to grasp the concept, so let me explain with an example in the form of a tale. I hope it’ll help.
I always had this feeling from time to time that I was a woman, or at least that I wanted to be a woman. The same way I always fought this feeling by considering illogic, and most of all, too much a taboo thing that could not be brought to public light, so I just kept it to myself and never told my parents or anybody.
A couple of years ago, when taking care of my mother who was sick and in bed with a strong flu, I accidentally found a death certificate in a drawer while searching for medicines. It was of a girl who died the same day I was born, and she had my same last name. I asked my mother about it and she told me that we supposed to be twins; a boy and a girl, but at the moment of birth the girl couldn’t make it and died, and only the boy (me) survived.
I was shocked to learn about a twin sister that I supposed to have but never knew about her. My mother said they didn’t tell me because they thought it could create problems in my time growing up since it is said that twins have a special connection; so they decided to tell me when I was grown enough, and since I was asking now, she told me.
The shocking part for me wasn’t really learning now that I suppose to have a twin sister, but mostly the idea that an explanation to my weird feeling could be in that fact. What if my twin sister, knowing she wouldn’t make it to life, somehow got into her brother’s body (or brain) in order to still had a shot to life? Maybe not even consciously, but as a natural survival instinct, or simply that’s the way life works, who knows.
The thing is, I started to strongly consider the possibility that when I had those feelings of being a woman, maybe it was my sister trying to come to physical life. And one of the things that supported that idea is that, when feeling as a woman, it is not necessarily about sex. What she wants is to go out and walk down any street dressing as a woman; and with a big smile in her face enjoy the view; the sun; the people. Look at the things all around; go to a park and, while extending her arms to the sides, turn with her eyes closed, rotating like a child that is trying to get dizzy, while smiling and enjoying the sun in her face.
If she wants to do that, then not necessarily is me who wants a man for sex, but it seems more like a woman trying to come to physical life to enjoy just being alive. Obviously, as a woman, if the situation arrives, she would feel attracted to men for a sex encounter rather than another woman.
Those thoughts convinced me that my sister lived inside me. So the problems begun; what I suppose to do in this situation? If she is my own sister -my twin sister-, how can I deny her the possibility to enjoy physical life?
So I decided to share my body with her; that way from time to time she could use it to be in the physical world and enjoy life as she supposed to have the chance.
Because of this, I started to introspect to try and see if I could reach her. I don’t know how that works, but is like at times my brain switch thoughts and start thinking different things and in a different way, and I guess those are the moments when my sister is taking over my body.
I do have a life as a man, and I have no intentions of changing that, so we had to find a compromise in everything. My body should be “modified” to be useful for me as a man, and for my sister as a woman, so we could use it by turns. And perhaps the most complex part, it all has to be done in complete secret since I cannot tell my wife, family, friends, anybody about this or they would think I lost it completely; that I got crazy.
So I started planning the physical changes, while at the same time listing what my body should be capable of doing, like walking, gesticulating and having the voice of a woman. You see, throughout life we learn by experience how we suppose to behave according to our sex, social, financial and cultural position, and being a man all my life, I know that part, but I have only a vague idea of how a woman suppose to behave in those conditions, and more important, I have to train my body to be able to do that in an “automatic” way.
It’s been a lot of work to plan many things and start doing the changes little by little, while at the same time living my life as a man, but there are some changes already in place, and soon my sister will be able to come to physical life and enjoy the wonderful gift of being alive.
I’ve never been told that I suppose to have a twin sister, but this tale (I believe) can reflect the concept of being a straight man and a straight woman by turns in the same body, and that is basically what I feel. In future posts I’ll tell you more in detail about those feelings, how it seems to work, how I’ve been trying to connect with the woman inside, how I’m transforming my body to be useful for a man and a woman, etc.
There are so many things to work on and so little time, so it’s going to take a while to complete the process, but I’ll keep track of things in this blog for people to read, and maybe it’ll be of help to someone having the same kind of feelings I have.
Usually I sign as Angel, which is the woman inside, and although most of the posts so far are from me with Angel’s contributions, little by little I hope it’ll be just Angel writing here and explaining her feelings. I don’t know how that will work (or maybe it won’t work at all) but please keep in mind that the process of this blog is the process of self-discovery and change, so not necessarily things will go smooth and coincidental with what has been said previously.
Also, if you have a question, doubt or want to know something specific, let me know.
Angel and I