Archive | March 2013

YouTube Channel

016   2013-03-31    02   07 All Others                                YouTube Channel

Weird enough, a couple of days ago I registered a YouTube channel for me, and behold…it is called: “AwryAngel” Duh!

Is not like I’ll switch to go video only, but rather sort of expand the possibilities of this blog by having the opportunity to post some videos from time to time. Still I have to be very careful in what kind of videos I post to prevent being kicked out of YouTube for “indecent” LOL

At the other hand, it seems that everyday they are less and less restrictive about what can be posted; at least I subscribed to a couple of channels of gay guys teaching how to do cross dressing, which I believe a couple of years ago wouldn’t be allowed because of being considered not appropriate for a young audience. So I’m hoping they won’t ban my videos, and little by little I’ll be going for more “aggressive” ones, while testing the waters so not to drown in my own recklessness.

Still, it’ll be interesting to see how long my videos there will last before somebody flags them, or YouTube ban them. Would you like to make a bet? I say 24 to 48 hours.


Female Characteristics


It is not just that I feel like a woman when in my 20 percent, but there are also several things that, even though not necessarily have something to do with it, still make me think if might be some sort of connection.

You see, I have a couple of physical characteristics that make me think that maybe I supposed to be a woman instead of a man, for instance:

1- A woman’s butt is proportionally bigger in relation to her height and body size compared with a man’s butt. A man’s butt usually is one of his smaller parts in his body in proportion to his height and size. In my case my butt is proportionally bigger compared with the butt of a man my same height, size and weight…it is more like a woman’s butt!


015   2013-03-29    04   01 Psychology and Mind              Female Characteristics 1 (butt)


2- My cock is one of the smallest around (about 4 inches aroused) when comparing with those other guys in gay dating sites like OutPersonals. Not only is smaller, but also is a grower, which means when not aroused it becomes really small, to about one (1) inch! (And my eight is 5’ 7”). If you take a look at the picture in the fiction story “Caught by Police” you’ll see how small it looks when not aroused.


015   2013-03-29    04   01 Psychology and Mind              Female Characteristics 2 (small cock)


3- My cock is really sensitive to touch, to the point of pain with just a slight handling. I cannot stand someone masturbating me with a hand because it is really painful, even if I’m really horny at that moment. And even a slight touch to the head when the skin is pulled back feels like touching a wound with a finger! And the same happens when being sucked by someone else; it has to be really smooth sucking and with the skin covering the head in order not to feel pain. It is like it wasn’t supposed to be used! But what is a man without a working cock? So it makes me think sometimes that it is more like an appendix that shouldn’t be there!

4- The same with my balls. It is really painful when someone else handles them. They are extremely sensitive to the touch so even if someone softly sucks them I still feel pain. Again, like they shouldn’t be there either since, what’s the point of having a part that cannot be used!


015   2013-03-29    04   01 Psychology and Mind              Female Characteristics 3 (cock head)


5- My hands are smaller than normal in proportion to my body when compared with other men, and even though my work is in assembly, and in my days off I do lots of repair work in my vehicles and around the house, they haven’t grow like I can see in other men my eight and weight that also use their hands all the time. You can see in the picture how they look. Many times when people look at my hands they don’t believe me that I’ve rebuilt several engines and changed the house roof.




6- My voice, although not with a female sound, it is not deep and I’ve never been able to speak loud, and till today I cannot scream. People complain that they can’t hear me because (they say) I speak too quietly. So it is definitely not a manly voice.

7- I’ve always been extremely sensitive and can be easily hurt in my feelings. Just one word or a face expression you make and I feel like a knife in my heart, and the desire to cry come to me immediately, just like anyone would expect from a woman. I did cry a lot for hurt feelings when growing up, and tears always come out in big quantities.

I even cry in the positive side, like when happy or when seeing something tender on TV or the outdoors, like a bird flying or a rabbit running around. And I do cry a lot with the music of many songs, even if I don’t understand the lyrics! I’m just extremely sensitive and easily hurt or made happy with very little things that wouldn’t affect most men.

Obviously with the years I’ve learned to keep my feelings inside and not to show them easily so to avoid society criticism, but even though in the outside there is a cold face that doesn’t twitch, in the inside there could be the feelings of fire or ice.

8- I don’t know why, but all my married life, when in bed with my wife, I tend to lean in her shoulder rather than having her leaning in mine, like it would be expected in any normal situation. I just need to have the feeling of protection when in bed, and so I lean in my lover’s shoulder while feeling fragile.

At the other hand, my shoulders are wide and in a man’s proportion rather than a woman’s proportion. And body hair? Damn it! From that perspective I should be a monkey! Just take a look at the picture below…that’s the way I looked for many years, until decided to shave it about two months ago.


015   2013-03-29    04   01 Psychology and Mind              Female Characteristics  5 (Body Hair)


Also, even though I have the sensitivity of a woman, I also have a strong tendency to logic, and to observe, analyze, keep statistics, organization, etc.

So these things make me think that maybe I’m sort of a hybrid creature that is part man (mostly) and part woman (and perhaps part monkey…just kidding!). And from this perspective is why the concept of 80 percent man and 20 percent woman was born.

Now, I have to admit that those were the number I considered before having experienced a moment in bed as a woman, as I described in my last encounter with “M”: “Being a Woman”. Those numbers might change since I really enjoyed that moment of sex as a woman, and I didn’t even experienced the feeling of being penetrated by a man, which is something I haven’t had yet, but definitely want to try; so those numbers could go to 50/50.

Do you think those characteristics I mention could be a sign of carrying a woman inside?
Or maybe they are just a coincidence and have no meaning at all?
If you are a CD or a T girl, do you have natural female characteristics?

Please let me know because I want to learn about these feelings and characteristics.   :)




Wig Problems

014   2013-03-28    02   03 Clothes and Accesories           Wig Problems


I really like this wig…the color, the length, the texture, but is my first wig. I never had and used one before, so don’t know how to put it on, how to secure it in place, how to comb it to make it look like in the picture of the package it came in, etc.

Seems to me that in my intention of really looking like a woman a wig is a must, yet without knowing how to use it, it’ll take me a while to get all the advantages of owning it. And I watch with a sort of envy when seeing those CD’s and T girls wearing wigs that give them such a great look. Unfortunately I haven’t being able to connect with them to get their advice, not only in how to use a wig, but also in all things related to make-up, that I will definitely have to use to cover up the darkness of my shaved face.

After lots of observation, what make the biggest difference between a man and a woman in a face picture seems to be the length of the hair and the smoothness and skin color of the face, followed by the size and shape of the eyebrows, although the eyebrows can be thick, judging by my sister’s face. She doesn’t touch her eyebrows, yet you wouldn’t mistake her for a man; she clearly is a woman, and an attractive one! So I’m using the reference of her face to see what changes I have to make in mine.

In the meantime I’ll keep searching for tips on how to wear a wig and make-up to improve my face in the pictures first, and then “live”

If you are a Cross-Dresser or a T girl, please give me some tips, will you?

Thank you    :)


Being a Woman

013   2013-03-27    03   05 Dates and Encounters            Being a Woman

As I’ve mentioned before, I am about 20 percent a straight woman that like men, and this site is to keep a log of my exploration of that 20 percent. Today I had the opportunity to feel as a woman!

I was a little early to the reunion point at the parking lot, but it was good since “M” also showed up a little earlier, which gave us some extra minutes to play. Still I was nervous for how things will go, even though this one wasn’t the first encounter, but I’ve been wanting to be more feminine for him and had sort of planned a couple of things I could do to give “M” more pleasure, and wasn’t sure if those things would be well received.

I started the night before with a complete body shave to have a very smooth skin that should be pleasant to touch; and I shaved the night before because since having so much natural body hair, my skin gets very irritated when shaving.

The first time I did it I simply couldn’t sleep all night because all my body was red and the contact of the sheets with my skin created an unbearable pain! I had to go outside to the backyard completely naked at 2 O’clock in the morning with temperatures of around 20 degrees F (about -7 Celsius) to “cool down” my skin!

This time I was very careful so didn’t get a too much irritated skin. I was able to sleep about two hours, and the next day my skin was back to normal, so I could go to the meet with a smooth body that could be touched without feeling pain but only pleasure. I say smooth, but the truth is that I just can’t get a very good body shave since I simply cannot reach my back with the razor, and also having so much hair, it is thick and difficult to get a very nice shave. Still, it was fairly good and smooth.

By the time we were in bed, quickly “M” went for my cock and started to suck it, which is not really what I’m looking for since, while trying to be a woman, I prefer my man not to play with my male parts but rather with my butt and body, which I can try to make them look more like of a woman. Still, I let him since it seemed to be of pleasure for him, and my main goal was to give him pleasure in any way he wanted.

Just a couple of minutes later the roles were inverted and I was all over his delicious cock! Touching it, kissing it, playing it with my tongue, rubbing it in my face and sucking it all I could, while being face down by his side, moving my body and butt in a teasing way, while he was playing with it and sweetly running his hands all over me…heaven!

By the time he was aroused I asked him to ejaculate in my mouth, so I could taste his cum while giving him sexual relief. It was such an amazing experience to feel his body all energized and wanting to get off when I was sucking his cock! Then the explosion in my mouth and the warm juices filling me up, which I happily swallowed, to then clean up his cock with my tongue, and then giving him time to rest while I continued softly kissing and playing with his delicious male parts.

A couple of minutes later I turned around in bed and went to his right side; he was on his back and so I lay my head in his shoulder while he was hugging me with his right arm. I was running my hand over his chest, while rubbing my leg over his legs, kissing his neck and slightly moving all my body to make him feel desired, while he could feel me happy.

And I was very happy!

For such a long time I wanted to be a woman for a man, and in all my previous encounters with other men they wanted to be with another man instead of a woman, so I never was able to try that feeling that so much wanted to have. But today I finally had that experience! Had the opportunity to try my best to give pleasure to my man, while he gave me pleasure by taking me and owning me for a moment; and then letting me rest by his side as a happy woman with her beloved man.

I know there wasn’t really love involved, and for “M” he also enjoyed sucking and playing with my male parts too, but still he gave me the opportunity to feel as a woman for a moment while being a man for me, and I couldn’t be happier and more thankful to him for being so nice and caring with me!


Caught by Police



The road was empty and no sounds or lights could be seen; I walked for several minutes enjoying the night in complete nudity when, suddenly and out of nowhere, the lights of a police car turned on and flooded the area.

It seemed the police officer saw me when I started walking and followed me with all lights off and without accelerating the engine so no noises could be heard by me in my walk.

I was paralyzed in fear when the lights came on out of nowhere and without any warning; there was no place to run and hide for me and the only thing I did was just stop walking, turn around and wait for the officer to say something.

There were no movements; no doors being open in the car; only the flashing lights from the roof of the police vehicle. I didn’t know if the officer was calling on the radio to verify something, calling for reinforcements, or simply checking me out from inside his vehicle. It seemed like an eternity and all kind of thoughts were going inside my head; from the scary thoughts of all the consequences of being arrested; my name and picture in the internet as a “sexual offender”, etc, etc, to the funny thought of using the strong and colored flashing lights in that dark night as if it was a night club, and I was on stage, naked, performing for an all male audience, and start dancing an erotic dance for my only spectator, the police officer. Obviously I didn’t do that.

Since there were no movements, I started to think that maybe the officer was Gay or Bi, and was using his authority to keep me there, naked, under his lights for a moment of personal enjoyment. Then occurred to me that he might be taking pictures and videos, and I know some police cars have a video system in place that keeps recording everything in front of the vehicle. Those are the videos we can see on TV about car chases and crimes in those police reality shows. So what if he was doing something like that and later I could be in TV and the internet in a negative way? Shivers went down my spine!

After probably about five minutes waiting there but that seemed an eternity, I could hear a door being open and saw a silhouette getting out of the car. My hopes were that the officer was Gay or Bi, so we could “arrange” a solution to the situation. I was willing to do anything the officer asked me, as long as I could get out of there without being arrested. To my surprise, and with the feeling of receiving a bucket of cold water without warning, I saw the officer was a female! Immediately I thought: “It’s over!”

The police officer, a woman in her thirties, blonde hair, kind of slightly muscular and with her uniform perfectly neat, walked to the front of the car, leaned in the front grill and crossed her arms and legs as waiting for something to happen, just to remain there for what seemed to me an eternity, looking at me from head to toe without saying a single word. Obviously I didn’t feel in the position of pressing the situation so remained silent, waiting for her to speak first.

After several minutes of looking at me while I was standing there, naked, like a prisoner depending on the mood of the guard, she asked in a calmed voice: “What are you doing?” and I could sense a tone of sarcasm in her voice.

“Just having a naturist walk” I answered in a low, slightly shaking voice.

“This is a public park, not a nudist resort”

“I know, but since it was 2 O’clock in the morning, and nobody is around at this time of the night, I thought it’ll be OK if I took a short naturist walk”

“It doesn’t matter if nobody else is here; it is still a public place, and is illegal to do what you’re doing. You know I should arrest you”

For a brief moment I had a flash thought that maybe everything would be alright. She said “I should” instead of “I will”, and all the time she took to come out of the car and then standing there looking at me, it all seemed like she had already decided to let me go, but wanted to have some fun first. I decided to press my luck and told her: “Don’t worry; I’ll go get my clothes and leave the park at once”

She didn’t answer but instead remained silent, looking at me. After another long wait that seemed like an eternity, she said: “Go” while doing a slight movement with her head. It took me a couple of seconds to process and react, and then quickly started my walk back to where I left my clothes. By the time I was walking by the side of the police car, without stopping, I turned around and told her “Thanks!”

It was difficult to walk since my legs were shaking and my breathing agitated, so I took several deep breaths to try and calm myself while reaching the spot where my clothes were waiting for me. Once there I quickly put them on, jumped into my car and drove away. I didn’t see the police car since I left the area where I was caught, but still worried about possible consequences, just drove away back to my place.

I don’t know if she was just having fun for a moment. Maybe she has a video that is using to show everyone in the police station to have a good laugh. Maybe now I am part of the police training on how to deal with crazy people an officer can encounter when patrolling at night. Maybe soon I’ll see myself on TV in one of those police reality show. The possibilities scare me! But at least I wasn’t arrested and so far nothing has happened, so it’ll remain a mystery for me what was going through the officer’s mind at that moment, and what made her take the decision of letting me go. But whatever it was, I’m happy for the outcome; and most definitely I’ll be a lot more careful next time!